No Need to Drink

I laid awake for hours last night. And I mean hours. I ended up switching the computer on for a while, just to take a break from my thoughts, which were pacing up and down through the corridors of my mind in their size 10s. I was thinking of ways to improve my situation, but hit a brick wall at every turn. My father and the 9 of Knives really sank their teeth into me yesterday and I haven't completely recovered from the attack. My dad gives the impression that he wants me to be able to stand on my own two feet again, but I think that part of him enjoys the heavy handed parent routine and the control he still tries to exercise over me.

I am trying to not sour yesterday by feeling guilty for having fun. My lifestyle is very different to how it once was. I look back at how things were a good few years ago and I shudder. I was on a roller coaster of self-destruction then, and even though I'd say the experience toughened me up to some degree, I did put myself into many a potentially dangerous situation. I have lost count of the amount of times I meandered through the nightspots of London alone, making new friends along the way, but for no longer than that one night. I have missed my last train home on more occasions than I have fingers, and rather than finding some other way of getting back, have either hit the bars and clubs until the next morning or have relied on the kindness of strangers. I dread to think of how many random houses I have woken up in after going back on the promise of one last drink. I've always said that I was streetwise, but I wonder if I am not just bloody lucky to have make it through that time unscathed.

I don't do those things now. And neither do I want to. But even though those days are like a skin I have now shed, people like my father will never allow me to forget them. A few drinks down the pub here seems to hold no less impact than my drunken old rampages through the city of London. Looking to today's card, the 4 of Grails, you might say that my father is feeding off of my emotional life blood and won't loosen his grip. In traditional tarot, the 4 of Grails (or Cups) is a card of apathy. It can mean 'too much of a good thing'. Release that grip already! I've had enough.

As with yesterday, it is raining. The sky is dark and heavy and the garden is awash with puddles. I don't mind the rain. Aside from making the plants and trees look rich and succulent, it keeps Dumb and Dumber inside and stops them from polluting my air space with their racket.

I spent this afternoon with three close friends and their collective children. Despite the fact that they cracked open a good few bottles of wine, due to my spending yesterday in the pub, I sipped on my one glass of wine for the four hours I was there. In a way, I am glad that I did, because my friends made me laugh so much, that I didn't feel a need to drink. Something to do with the 4 of Grails maybe? They treated me to lovely food and good company. So much so that I was kind of sad to leave them at the end of the visit. I am at my boyfriend's house now and we are about to go to sleep. My parents drove me over here earlier this evening, and I am pleased to say that the gap between my father and I, after last night, has grown narrower.

Illustration from The Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels