Renewed Contact

For today, I am using The Oracle of the Sibyl. I fancied taking a breather from the tarot and trying something different.

The first card is Afflizione, which is concerned with sorrow and pain. The woman in the illustration looks close to tears or has already been crying. Her pain might be emotional or mental. In the second card, Riconciliazone, two lovers embrace after a period of time apart.

It took me a little time to grasp what these cards concern. Over a week or two ago, a friend sent me a message, saying that he had hit a slump and was suffering with anxiety and depression. Prior to this, we had been making a few noises about meeting up for a drink, but due to how he was feeling, he had let the arrangement slide. I had written to see how he was last week, but did not hear back from him until today. I guess that the second card shows his renewed contact, and also my compassion, since I'd say the scared and upset person in the first card definitely represents him.

I had been quite concerned about his lack of contact in the last week. Today's cards mirror his message to me this morning, but I wonder if they predict our friendship getting back on track generally and our seeing each other more often. In our twenties, we spent most of our days and nights together, and fretted to some extent if we were apart. But as we have grown older, our lives have moved in different directions. My boyfriend and I visited him and his wife for dinner not so long ago, but with the birth of their second child and my own issues of late, we haven't seen one another since, despite living very near.

After returning from my boyfriend's this morning, I fell into a long sleep. I am a light sleeper and rarely sleep well when I share a bed, so didn't get my full eight hours last night. Even though I am still feeling better than last week, I was pretty tired today, and after chatting with my friend Kate on the phone for half an hour and then popping out to return something to a shop, I found my way back to bed. Sometimes, I have to just give in to tiredness, so very little has been achieved today. As Kate told me, I need to rest and get myself better, and with my doctor's certificate, I have the perfect opportunity to do that.

It was quiet last night at my boyfriend's. Mainly because Lenny is no longer there. His seat at the end of the sofa remained empty and I really missed the tapping of his feet on the wooden floors. When I get up there on a Thursday morning, I would usually go and see him before we'd get our lift to the station. Most often, at that time in the morning, Lenny wouldn't move but he'd look up when I wished him a good morning. I'd sit and stroke him while my boyfriend had his cigarette and I finished my first cuppa of the day.

Illustrations from The Oracle of the Sibyl by Georgio Tavaglione

The Work Station

Around this Empress, eggs hatch, and from them, crawl baby dragons. There is one which is yet to burst open on her lap. This woman is all about growth. Something grows from nothing, and like a bird keeping her eggs warm in a nest, the Empress nurtures her environment and the people in it that she loves.

The Page of Pentacles is also about growth and the beginning of something new. He sits at his desk and writes. It's his work station. A large green dragon sits over him and encourages every line he writes.

I completed another card from my own tarot deck today, so these cards make sense, in terms of growth and creativity. I started it last night, and like the eggs here, it soon hatched and began to grow. My friend's father commented on how nice it is to see the deck emerge. Even though it is me who is designing it, it is the same for me. I have ideas and photograph my models before I draw, but the finished results are still a surprise to some degree.

Today's cards are about care, and do not only regard my work. My father is feeling better since coming home from hospital, but after finally returning to play bowls the other day, he indulged in a little further DIY afterwards, and paid for it later. He was in pain and had to rest. He is still decorating, but I am keeping an eye on him, like the dragon in the first card. This might mean preparing him something to eat or making him a hot drink, which forces him to take a break and rest out for five minutes.

Illustrations from The Dragon Tarot by Roger & Linda Garland

What's the Hurry?

I went to visit with my advisor again today. I needed to finalise my old claim so that I could get the new one in motion. I like my advisor, but it takes her a good five minutes to explain something which could easily be communicated in just one. On most occasions, what she tells me needn't be explained at all. This afternoon, she commented on how concerned she had been after our last meeting. She said that I looked worn-out and over-tired by the time I had left. This is true, but my tiredness was partly down to having her explain every minor detail and possible scenario to me for nearly an hour.

So, today's cards look at progress. The 3 of Wands is the reward. In this case, it highlights the Job Centre sorting everything out smoothly. The Knight of Pentacles is a relief to draw, as it informs me that everything will be done properly, but I wonder if these cards are predicting a less than speedy result. This knight suggests movement, but despite his reliability, he likes to take his time. In this illustration, he seems to be holding the dragon back from moving too quickly. 'What's the hurry?' he might ask.

After seeing my advisor, I wandered (and I mean wandered) into town. I wanted to pick up a large frame for a photograph of Lenny which I had taken just last week. I am going to give it to my boyfriend's parents tomorrow. Even though he only died yesterday, I thought it would be a nice thought. I bought a small one for myself and he now sits here on my desk, as company for my stuffed barn owl. After doing that, I walked up to have tea with a friend.

I have felt alright again today. I took things easily and my trip around town was more successful than others I have had recently. My boyfriend and I relaxed out our days in my room this evening, watching a documentary on The Church of Scientology. I didn't know much about the place, but goodness, was I shocked by the way in which they operate! - splitting families, charging people to leave the church, taping confessionals, and then holding people's secrets on video tape, to use against them in the future if needed. Watch out Tom! Looks like you won't be leaving the church in a hurry either!

Illustrations from The Dragon Tarot by Roger & Linda Garland

Moving On

I spent this morning on things which needed to be done. This meant a short walk to the doctors and a handful of phone calls to sort out my new benefit claim. My mum always says that there is nothing worse than ringing up a helpline and talking to a computer rather than a person. I disagree. It is far more irritating to ring up and talk to a person who actually sounds less human than a computer.

I was listening to a tarot podcast last night. All of the presenters admitted that it was difficult to not acknowledge the physical attributes of their clients and the subtle details that they provide us with in a session. It's part of human nature to notice. But one of the women said that she always keeps her head down to begin with and reads the cards, rather than the person, before opening up discussion. I found this interesting today, since I saw the man in the 8 of Cups as moving on, but couldn't fit him into my day. For that reason, I tried to think of any other way that he might make sense in this draw, rather than trust my instincts. It was only when my boyfriend turned up this evening that the card made sense.

Unfortunately, my boyfriend's family had to put their fifteen year old dog down today. His health has deteriorated in the year that my boyfriend and I have been together and we have not been able to leave him alone for too long at a time. The 8 of Cups is his passing, and the 2 of Swords represents a decision that the family didn't want to make, but had to.

I loved Lenny. Out of all the dogs I have met, he had a really gentle nature and a strong personality. I won't forget hearing his feet trotting through the hallway when I am in bed or catching him with his nose in the recycle bin. But despite the sadness, he did have a good and long life. He loved his family - my boyfriend's parents, his siblings, and all of the grandchildren - and they loved him too.

Illustrations from The Universal Waite Tarot by Pamela Coleman Smith, coloured by Mary Hanson Roberts

The Win-Win Situation

This is one of those readings which simply confirms something. When I looked at the cards this morning, I knew that they were highlighting a conversation which I had with my boyfriend on our walk home last night. I showed him today's cards, and on picture alone, he knew exactly what they were talking about.

For a handful of months, he has become more and more frustrated in his job. It would seem that the others there do not work as hard as he does. He clears more accounts than they do and takes on the things that others can not. To add insult to injury, some of these people are paid more than he is, and also do not fulfil the same commitments as he does. One of these being the amount of hours they are supposed to work and what time they leave to go home. He tells me about it when he gets here on each evening, and even I have become frustrated by how little he gets back from the effort he puts in.

After a few drinks last night, he said that he was considering handing in his notice. I told him that I didn't think that this would be a good idea. To begin with, since the company are likely to make some redundancies soon, I don't think he should offer up his own resignation, but my main concern is that he should find a new job before deciding to leave. I have made the exact same hurried decision in the past and it was the stroke which bought me a ticket for my own journey into unemployment. I suggested that he shop around and see what he is really worth. And then, if he can grab himself a better job, will then be in a better position to go back and negotiate at his present place, should he want to. In general, he likes the people there, but deserves extra money and responsibility. It would then be a win-win situation. They would have to step up to the mark, otherwise he will then take the new job offer.

When connected, these two cards make a road. The man walks away from something stable. You would guess, as we did, that this is my boyfriend's job. He literally chucks the contents of his cup over his shoulder. The road then winds through a building (which I see as his work place) and exits, leaving the figure in a worse place than at the start of this journey. The 5 of Pentacles looks at financial lack. For us, these cards are confirmation that a rash choice, such as he was considering, would not be beneficial. There are two people in the second card. Even though I have strongly advised him to not leave without finding work, I am the second person, supporting him in whatever he decides to do.

We talked about all this some more today, and my boyfriend acknowledges that most of the conversation arose through drinking a little too much last night. He knows that it would not be sensible to leave his job before finding something better and is going to tackle the problem in the right way. I am kind of glad that these cards came up to highlight the situation and provide us with another excuse for discussion.

Illustration from The Kitty Kahane Tarot by Kitty Kahane

Back to my Old Self

Have you ever watched the programme Dragon's Den? Well, that was what these cards first reminded me of this morning. In each series, a panel of five wealthy investors are approached by entrepreneurs, all hoping to exchange a stake in their business or idea for a hefty investment. Each dragon will either make an offer or tell the hopefuls that they 'are out' of the deal. In today's cards, the queen could easily be the successful Debora Meadon. So in this scenario, a young man approaches her with a proposition and she holds the reward (or investment) in her lap.

Today was nice. My boyfriend and I walked into town in the afternoon. We had intended to do a little window shopping but ended up running into some friends and going to the pub. After a while of sitting there, I struck up conversation with three interesting looking people. One of the two guys had a massive turkey feather sprouting from his hat, which provoked my speaking to him. It turned out that he was a musician and our conversation eventually graduated onto graphics. As the late afternoon grew into evening, I got to know him better. I showed him my work and he was impressed. That acceptance and interest is wrapped up in today's cards, I think. We exchanged numbers, vowing that I would teach him the basics of Adobe Illustrator, if he did the same for me with Photoshop. This is the exchange hinted at in today's cards.

My boyfriend and I turned in at a respectable hour, even though we did end up staying out for quite a long session. Other friends had turned up by chance, and to emphasise the transaction in today's draw, I spoke at length with another guy who said he'd consider passing the overflow of his freelance graphics work to me if he had too much. Generally, my health felt good today. On recent social events, I have felt worn out quickly, but as a friend commented this evening, it was as though I was back to my old self.

Illustrations from The Kitty Kahane Tarot by Kitty Kahane

Tell Me How it Is

I am really pleased that it is the end of the week. Even though I am not working, Friday still signifies rest and the closing down of the week for me. Thankfully, we have no plans this weekend, so it is the perfect excuse for indulging in the simple things. With empty wallets, we both could do with a few more like that.

Today's cards are interesting to me visually. The Queen of Swords puts in another appearance. Beside her is the Ace of Swords, which could easily be a close up of the queen's hand and weapon. It suggests that she is making an offering to me.

The Ace of Swords brings understanding, truth, and communication. This is important today in a couple of ways. The queen has shown up as my doctor. As the ace suggests, she called this morning and agreed to write me a medical certificate for the Job Centre. This will give me some reprieve from their conditions. She was happy to do it, but said she was disappointed that it had come to this. She was hoping that work might be therapeutic and help me get better. I told her that I was hoping that it still might and explained how the new support I am applying for could get me back into employment gradually.

In the ace, the queen's sword cuts through the centre of some one's head. So much so that we can see it exiting through the top of his crown. I am guessing that this is my head and the act will succeed in cutting through the fog of indecision, doubt, and mental confusion. As we can see by the plant-like roots below, this fog has strong foundations. My doctor told me that my last two sets of blood tests had returned clear. Due to things I have heard and read, I asked her if there was a chance that something sinister might be lurking behind my fatigue, but she advised me that the blood tests would have outed that if it were the case. So in these cards, the queen swipes her sword through my bigger doubts and deep-rooted fears. With the bird of truth on her hand, she tells me how it is.

I was considering going to South London with a friend tonight, but I have told her that I will give it a miss. I was whacked this morning and slept in for a bit until my doctor rang. I have just finished lunch and plan on spending the afternoon drawing. I have neglected my tarot designs in the last week and need to get back into designing them.

Illustrations from The Kitty Kahane Tarot by Kitty Kahane

Puffing towards Stability

Today feels important, as I can feel the shift in the seasons. It is 7.30pm here at the moment and it is dark already. My mother and I were out in the garden this evening, potting up a few plants for my room, and I could feel enough of a chill in the air to hug myself. Last night's full moon is still on my mind. As we drove to my boyfriend's, it hung in the air like a silver pendant around the neck of the sky. It was beautiful.

Today's cards look at the material and physical side of life. In the first, the 10 of Pentacles, a long-haired man appears secure. He is firmly rooted on the ground beneath him. He holds his right hand out to touch a coin, which seems attached to the buildings behind him, and with his left hand, he strokes his pet dog. Beneath him are three more coins, buried in reserve. He is connected to the world around him and the illustrations on his clothing remind him of his family.

Unlike the first man, the youngster in the 2 of Pentacles stands on shaky foundations. In fact, he is on top of a fish, which isn't standing still. Even though he seems to have a hold of one of the pentacles, the other has been tossed up above his head and I reckon he'll drop both into the sea if he is not careful. Everything is up in the air.

Generally, I feel as though I am standing on that same fish as the guy in the second card. Whether it is my health or finances, things are not as strong and stable as I would like. But the small boats on the river in the 2 of Pentacles are puffing their way towards the card on the left. He might be juggling, but he'll stabilise soon. My money has reached my own personal danger-zone, but I am aware that it will be topped up tomorrow.

With my mind on the seasons and the wheel of the year, I have been reading about the Autumn Equinox, the full moon, and the festival of Mabon. Because of my sensitivity to my environment, after reading a book yesterday, I decided to acknowledge the festival by buying some Autumnal incense and a nice big apple pie for my boyfriend and family, which I will prepare in a minute.

My boyfriend's dog, Lenny, has been unwell and needed to visit the vet today. He is old and his back legs have been giving him trouble. I photographed him with the Kitty Kahane last night.

Illustrations from The Kitty Kahane Tarot by Kitty Kahane

Back to the Future

Sitting here this afternoon, I can hear my parents in the garden. Without wanting to speak too soon, it is quiet of neighbouring children, and the tree's branches are delicately trampolining in the breeze. They are green, but with the Autumn Equinox taking hold, I can see signs of brown already seeping into them. The light is beginning to give way to darkness and it will soon be time for Persephone to disappear underground. Despite the sadness of her story, it is one of my favourites.

Today's cards reflect the Greek myth of Persephone for me. When captured and taken by the Lord of the Underworld, Demeter (Persephone's mother), searched for her daughter without avail. As a result of this, the earth became barren and devoid of plant life. When she was finally returned to the Earth Mother for just part of the year, at the command of Zeus, our landscape began to grow once again. This is what we know as Spring. At this time every year, leaves turn brown, die, and remind us of Demeter's plight. In today's cards, the Queen of Swords sits facing the past. Like the distressed mother Demeter, it would seem that she cannot look to the future and seeks truth and understanding from what has been.

Next to the traditional sadness of the Queen of Swords, the King of Pentacles is vibrant and healthy. He is where I want to be. He might be an investor in one of my projects, an employer, a buyer for our house, or the resurrection of my health. At the moment, I can't see him, but as with the story of Mother Earth and her stolen daughter, we will be reunited at some point.

I tried to work on a couple of my creative projects today, but it didn't really pull off. I spent a couple of hours on a drawing that I simply didn't like when I had finished, so I chose not to continue with it. Sometimes it is just like that and I accept it, since most of my drawings have worked out of late. No point in dwelling on that which didn't work. Best to look to the future.

Illustrations from The Kitty Kahane Tarot by Kitty Kahane

Resistance

It has been difficult to do much today, since I suffered another trip to the Job Centre. This meant that another couple of hours were sacrificed for five minutes with the same robotic advisor, who I have been seeing for the last however-many months. She quite obviously malfunctions if asked something which hasn't been anticipated by her cue-card. I had been waiting for twenty minutes to be seen today and I wanted to get out quick, so I chose not to push her buttons by asking anything too complicated.

When looking at today's cards, I remember a tarot-tip which I have been grateful for. I think I have already mentioned it here, but it is worth repeating. It is by Ana Cortez, the author of The Playing Card Oracles, who says that every reading is perfect. Even if it doesn't make complete sense at the time, as mine does not today. Remembering this when we draw our cards alerts us to the fact that they have relevance, even if it might not seem so at the time, and should not be dismissed.

I understand today's cards, but I cannot fit them into my day, as such. The woman in the second card holds up two swords and produces a barrier. There are large rocks behind her. No ship or boat would be able to dock there, so for the moment, she is the equivalent of a 'No Entry' sign. She is potentially in denial about something, avoiding a situation, or simply can't come to a decision.

It would seem that it is the Knight of Cups who is being stopped in his tracks by the woman. His emotive water flies in her direction, but she chooses not to see it. At the moment, like this woman, my blindfold is preventing me from understanding this situation. With the elements of these two cards in play, it might seem as if I am using my mind to deal with an emotional problem - or block it out, at least.

My trip into town was tiring. After visiting the Job Centre, I needed to buy some vegetables for dinner and have a quick scout about for a few other bits. Feeling all the more tired with each minute, it was far from a quick scout, and as with many of my recent shopping visits, soon became a laborious trial. At one point, I was overcome by a dizzy spell and had to steady myself in a shop. But after nearly a half hour wait, I managed to catch the bus home, took a nap, and waited for my boyfriend to come over. We spent this evening in as usual and watched the first episode of Jamie Oliver's series in Huntington, where he endeavoured to try and get the American people to eat healthily - an experiment which was met with the same kind of resistance portrayed by the woman in the 2 of Swords.

Illustrations from The Kitty Kahane Tarot by Kitty Kahane

Support and Relief

Today's draw doesn't hold the happiest-looking cards - the 5 of Wands and the 10 of Swords. The first describes a struggle, and the last shows someone who has met with a painful end. I wasn't overjoyed with this duo, but I had to smile, all the same. What else could I do?

I went to see the disability advisor at the Job Centre this morning. Her advice is for me to apply for a different kind of benefit than the one I am on, due to my chronic fatigue. I am not ready to return to work in a dramatic fashion just yet and shouldn't be pressured to look for work, as my original agreement suggested. This would require the say-so of my doctor, and should she agree, the Job Centre will then look towards my getting back into work at a pace more suited to my needs and give me extra help. She was talking about how voluntary work may play a part in this. It all sounded fine with me, but by the time our hour had concluded, she had spoken so much about what a struggle and bind my fatigue was going to be that I pretty much felt like the dead girl in the second tarot illustration. In just a handful of months, I have gone from someone who is pretty normal to someone who is classed as having a disability. And I have to say that I don't like it.

Out of good and bad days, this morning fell into the latter. I was tired before I left the house, and by the time I had left the adviser's office, I was completely out of sorts. My concentration was shot and my eyes felt closed, even though they were open. I didn't think I would be up to doing much else for the rest of the day, but accepted the invitation of tea with my friend anyway. She drove over and picked me up and took me back to hers.

The afternoon was good. Even though I would have been happy to just sit in my friend's garden and drink tea, I suggested we go for a walk. We took the less travelled path behind the motorway and through the fields, stopping to admire the view and to scavenge for things, like a beautiful old piece of bark, which now graces my windowsill. Once at our destination, a small village, we looked around a few second-hand shops and went to a nice cafe for tea. I spoke to her about today's cards. I told her that they felt like two options. Do I battle with this fatigue, as in the 5 of Wands? Or do I lay back and let it win? She suggested that I do both. As someone who fights the seasonal disorder of SADS, she said that there are times where she has to push herself that little bit harder, and others where she has to give in to rest or some other kind of support. Her words made me feel better. I could see that the programme offered by the Job Centre might be a way of retaining this balance she was talking about - both support and relief in times of struggle.

Illustration from The Kitty Kahane Tarot by Kitty Kahane

Chill Out

At first glance, I thought that these two cards would predict a time where tiredness might dictate the order of play, but since my boyfriend and I have had a pretty restful day anyway, the barriers of what I can and cannot do, with regard to my energy levels, have not really been pushed. We picked up some lunch en route from his to mine this morning, and with the television whispering in the background, I read and he did his own thing this afternoon.

I get a less obvious message from today's cards. I see them as an indication to chill out. Even though I try to not worry about this, that, and the other as much as I was at the start of the year, there are still moments when worry takes the rein. This leaves me bound and unable to move forward, just like the figure in the first card, the 8 of Swords. The woman is far from her castle and is surrounded by her worries and fears. Not a good place to be.

The woman in the 4 of Swords is in a different place all together. Regardless of what is going on outside of her window, she lays back and consciously stills her mind. Her worries and fears are either hung up on the wall or are placed in a draw, for they are not needed right now. I am aiming to be more like her.

Illustrations from The Kitty Kahane Tarot by Kitty Kahane

The Family Party

For a while, I have decided to use the colourful Kitty Kahane Tarot. For the same reason that I like the original Rider Waite Smith, it has a hidden depth to it's simplicity. For today's post, I have drawn the 5 of Swords and the King of Cups. The first card looks at arguments and defeat.

After doing very little yesterday, my boyfriend and I opted to spend today with his family, since it is his niece's fifth birthday. I was feeling a little tired to begin with, but once more people began to turn up at his brother's flat, conversation took my mind off of it.

Out of the people I met there, I spoke with one spirited 18 year old in particular. After chipping through the outer-casing of her attitude and naivety, I found a pleasant girl beneath. We talked for most of the evening, but with the drink flowing a little too nicely at the party, she eventually ended up having an argument with her mother. Even though more than twice her age, her mum did not prove to have the market cornered on maturity or common-sense either. They easily provided the disagreement shown by the 5 of Swords, and eventually, the daughter left the party in tears. Before she left, I spent a good hour talking with her outside on the steps. It would not be difficult to see myself in the central figure of the King of Cups - someone who offered emotional support and guidance in the situation.

Illustrations from The Kitty Kahane Tarot by Kitty Kahane

Contentment

My boyfriend and I were talking this morning. I told him that even though I enjoy it when we have big days and evenings out, I also like the mundane things we do together. We make each other laugh and I enjoy his company, regardless of what we are doing.

We were having this conversation while walking in between shops. I indulged in the Kitty Kahane Tarot (which I found extremely cheaply) and he helped me buy an ornament which I have had my eye on for a while. It is of a male winged figure, inspired by Leonardo Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man. It is called 'Pensive Angel', and this time, I didn't want to leave the shop without him. It was the same with a couple of silver cat bookends that I found in a charity shop a few days ago, and of course, the stuffed barn owl I snatched at the collectors fayre. Of course, I am glad that I made all three purchases, since I love them all, but I am yet to see what effect they have made to my bank account.

The 4 of Wands is a card of satisfaction and warmth. For today, it speaks of the comfort of my relationship, family, and home.

Illustration from The Russian Tarot of St Petersburg by Yury Shakov

Learning to Stand

Today has been quiet and subdued. After an afternoon drink at a friend's house yesterday, I had a few more with another mate in the evening, and it succeeded in washing me out for the whole of today. My boyfriend and I were meant to be going out to dinner tonight, but with neither of us feeling up to it, we cancelled. He has booked tomorrow off, so I am guessing that an early night and lay in are on the cards.

Yesterday was nice. I finally caught up with the friend I was intending to meet last week. She brought her friend along for a coffee, some light shopping, and then we went back to hers for lunch. We had some wine with our food, and then she opened another bottle. Even though I had told myself that I would cut down on drinking of late, it was nice to loosen up and chat.

My friend has a very generous nature, and is part of the reason why I think I have received today's card. She very kindly provided our food and drink at lunchtime yesterday and never thinks twice about sharing what she has with her friends and family. In the 6 of Pentacles, we see a beggar receiving some coins. Even though I don't beg for the things I am given, I can associate with the figure, since I do receive a lot through the kindness of those around me. As much as I feel guilty for accepting these gifts, I do appreciate them. I just hope that I can do the same for them one day.

The message in this card does not end with yesterday's lunch. I received a call from the Job Centre today, regarding my chronic fatigue. I had got in touch with them because I felt that the initial agreement we made about how I would search for work would need to be changed. Even though I am still eager to get a job, I can't travel as far as I previously would have and I don't want to be pressured into a job where I will be standing up or moving about for long periods of time. The advisor was very helpful and suggested that I apply for a different kind of benefit. She said that there is a programme where I can receive more support, and possibly, a little more money. Through this programme, I would be encouraged and helped to find work and gain new skills. If it helps me back into work gradually, then it sounds pretty good to me. I am going to meet with the advisor next week. She will write to my doctor and ask for her help with putting this into motion.

Even though this all feels exciting and alleviates the pressure for a bit, the conversation did get me down a little. It seems that my chronic fatigue is dictating so much of what I can (and more importantly, can't) do at the moment. It is closing doors and I am starting to feel as though I am disabled.

The 6 of Pentacles is all about support for today. It is the support of good friends, family, and people like this advisor, who want to help me to eventually stand up financially, unaided.

Illustration from The Russian Tarot of St Petersburg by Yuri Shakov

Ups and Downs

I am never sure whether to be pleased or not when the Wheel of Fortune rolls into my day. Part of me becomes worried that it's influential turn will cast a shadow over the next twenty-four hours. But on the other hand, I am pretty much relieved, since it informs me that most things are out of my control.

The wheel is a card of ups and downs. Sometimes it pulls us up, and on others, it spins us round to the bottom again. So when it turns up in a draw, I think of situations which are out of our control. My father is meant to go into hospital today for an operation. He was told not to eat or drink since last night and was asked to call them at 7am this morning. It is now midday and he is still sitting here with his bag packed, waiting - having not drunk, eaten, or taken his medication. Whether the hospital have a bed for him or not is down to chance. A bit like the Wheel of Fortune.

I spoke with an advisor from the Job Centre this morning. Even though I am still looking for work, due to having chronic fatigue, I was hoping that their support could now be tailored to my needs a little better. I still want to work, but for the moment, I don't want to spend two and a half hours travelling each way or being expected to go for a job which will keep me on my feet for too long. The woman told me that I would need to see another advisor before I could be referred back to her. It has taken over seven weeks for her to get in touch in the first place, so I can't assume there will be any peace of mind just yet. She described the process as a paperwork exercise. Whatever happened to the paperless office we heard so much about in the 90s?

The dull and rainy weather has found it's way into my mood. My parents are sitting downstairs waiting for the hospital to call, and I am thinking about my walk to the Job Centre later this afternoon - all of us waiting for the sun to peek out from the grey clouds or for the wheel to turn in our favour.

Illustration from The Russian Tarot of St Petersburg

Some Shut-Eye

A more apt card couldn't have turned up for today, as I have been in between napping since returning from my boyfriend's this morning.

The past weekend was a tough one. Even though my boyfriend and I had a nice time, my chronic fatigue got the better of me. We had decided to go out for a drink on our own on Friday night, and almost as soon as we hit the town, the fatigue hit me. As well as feeling tired, it attacked my concentration, made me feel nauseous, and gave me the shakes. Wanting to not spoil the evening for my boyfriend (and myself, as I had been looking forward to it), I carried on through it and after a couple of hours, it had passed. However, it didn't stay away for long, and is with me still tonight. I think that this has been it's longest and most powerful overtaking so far. I have managed three naps today. I know that I have been advised to try and stay awake, but I felt absolutely knocked out today and couldn't see another option.

So I was kind of expecting to see the 4 of Swords in my draw. While the world goes on outside of his window, the young man in the card slips into sleep. Despite feeling guilty for being unwell, I guess I have to just give in some times and rest. That is what this card would suggest. The swords in this Russian illustration point away from the sleeping body. They know that he needs to get some shut-eye and leave him to it for the moment.

Illustration from The Russian Tarot of St Petersburg

Will you let the bubbles pass you by?

In today's first card, a couple are shown holding one another. Specific to this deck, there is a story which accompanies the image. The chapter illustrated by the 9 of Cups shows a water nymph being reunited with her love, a wood elf.

Through tradition, the 9 of Cups has become known as a card that grants wishes. But I prefer to see it as one of opportunity, rather than some kind of portal for spiritual handouts. The nymph in the illustration had put a lot of hard work into her expedition before her wish was acknowledged, so for me, the card is asking the question 'What can you do to assist your dream in coming true?'

The 3 of Wands shows two faeries, sitting on toad stalls. They have decided that now is a time to move forward, so are flipping through maps which have been left by their elders and make a list of what they should do next.

In contrast, The Fool is a card of innocence and fun. The young faerie stands on a flimsy leaf, probably about to jump off, and holds bubbles in either hand. As we all know, bubbles don't last for very long, and here, they represent opportunities.

Like the faeries in the central card, I have been making plans for too long. If bubbles are opportunities, then they have not noticed the ones which are currently passing over their heads. But the young fool has two in his grasp. He knows how to play, as we all do deep down. The final card in this trio encourages me to make a leap, rather than sitting around planning, because a useful opportunity might just pass me by if I don't.

Illustrations from The Mystic Faerie Tarot by Linda Ravenscroft

Cutting some Slack

The 5 of Wands is a place of struggle. The two faeries in the central card debate, but do not agree. This means that finding the solution to a problem becomes an ordeal.

Once again, I didn't meet with my friend, since like her son, she is unwell now. This wasn't a big deal, since we can arrange to meet on another morning. Instead, after returning from my boyfriends, I went into town with my parents. As with other shopping visits of late, walking about took it's toll and I felt pretty deflated after an hour. Despite my dad buying us some lunch, the break didn't help recharge my battery. My walk back to the car was slow and pained. When I feel like this, I begin to lose concentration and feel dizzy. Even the thought of how far it was from the cafe to the car park drained me. Like before, I disappeared to the bedroom for an hour's nap when I got home. Simple afternoon's in town (which I used to have a lot) are nearly always an ordeal now. For me, this is quite possibly the 5 of Wands in action, without a solution. My fatigue is the dip that is mirrored in tarot's negative number 5.

Around the 5 of Wands sits the 10 of Pentacles and the 3 of Cups. I have learnt to read these two cards as separate groups of people. The first is about family and the second is about friends. With them on either side, they become crutches. I spoke with a friend online this evening and he asked me how my boyfriend is dealing with my being unwell right now. I told him that he has been very supportive, which is just what I need. I don't mean to whine on about how I am feeling all of the time, but I do need people to appreciate it. I don't want to be like this. I am not putting it on or using it as an excuse. It is a very physical thing (which I am not happy about) and I just hope that those who care about me can be sensitive and cut me some slack when I become wiped out and lose energy. Today's cards suggest that they will.

Illustrations from The Mystic Faerie by Linda Ravenscroft

Gloomy Wednesday

I was supposed to go out with a friend this morning for coffee. It was one of the treats my life-coach and I had agreed on for achieving my fortnightly goals, as I told her that I'd like a morning or afternoon of doing something I liked, without feeling guilty for doing so. I have felt guilty for just about every second of free time that I have had since becoming unemployed. After getting ready this morning, my friend cancelled because her son was poorly, so I took my coat off and returned to my room. We are meeting tomorrow instead, which is probably just as well, since I didn't feel my best today and needed to nap-away a headache for an hour or so. Apparently, headaches are a symptom of my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

These cards made me think of a few things. Justice looks at the direct results of our actions. The kind of bed we made in the past is the one we will lay in for the future, and today, that appears to be the 5 of Pentacles. Decisions I have made, like leaving my design job some years ago, has resulted in my present financial state. Similarly, worry and stress has caused me to become unwell. But there is hope in the central card. I always think of the card in the middle as having some kind of importance, and here, the Knave of Wands lifts himself from the reading. In a recent post, I associated him with my new tarot design project and website. He is about starting over, with momentum and excitement in my favour.

Today has been gloomy. Despite the fact that I love the rain, I prefer a complete downpour to this kind of drizzly nothingness. My father went to the hospital this morning. He needs to go back and spend a couple of nights there next week. Even though the doctors have not confirmed it just yet, it seems that he may have bladder cancer, so today has been gloomy in more ways than just the weather.

Illustrations from The Mystic Faerie Tarot by Linda Ravenscroft

The Victim Mentality

On reading through the book that comes with the Crystal Tarot (by Philip Permutt), I noticed that he mentions the word victim in his commentary of this card. The stone which sits beneath the five pentacles is Hemimorphite, which apparently promotes self-confidence, and in this card it is used to combat victim mentality. I found this interesting, since it would be quite easy for me to slip into the doldrums of this card today and play on my circumstances.

Thinking about the traditional illustration of this card, it would make sense. Two people are shown shuffling through the snow in tattered outfits. Above them is the lit up window of a church. Has the church neglected these people? To my understanding, they are meant to help everyone. If this is true, then as Permutt suggests in his book, maybe these people are indulging in their own unfortunate fate.

This card spends too much time focusing on what we haven't got, so as a lesson for today, I will not continue in that vein. After drawing and looking for work this morning, I walked to the Job Centre. From there, I took a slow walk to meet a friend and her daughter as they returned from school. We had a cup of tea and caught up on each other's news. I spent this evening in with my boyfriend and will have an early night, now that he has driven home.

Illustration from The Crystal Tarot by Emma Garner

Plod, Plod, Plod

This guy flipped round in the pack today while shuffling, so I guess that he deserves my attention in this draw. In this deck, illustrated by Emma Garner, the Knight of Pentacles is enhanced by a crystal - Blue Topaz. The stone is good for patience.

I am pretty pleased to see this card today. At this moment, I am feeling rather overwhelmed. I have just returned from my final meeting with my life-coach, and it was really rewarding to see how differently I am feeling since our first session. With my new website under my belt and ideas for new card designs, I can identify with this knight. He may not have achieved all he wants to, but he is definitely moving in the right direction. This afternoon, I want to update my website with some text, apply for some seasonal work, and start on another drawing. Like this young man, it is all about plodding along towards the finishing line, slowly but surely. Plod, plod, plod.

From evaluating my four life-coaching sessions, I can see how I have changed over the eight weeks. I was apprehensive about finding any old job to begin with. I was so stuck on finding a design job and was disappointed about losing out on the childrenswear one, but since I started my tarot designs a month ago, I feel differently. The positive response that I have had about my illustrations has given me a confidence and worth that I was lacking two months ago. I am happy to look for a job out of my field of expertise now, since I am aware that it will be funding this project temporarily and giving me and my boyfriend a few extra opportunities. Even if it lasts only until the new year. I may not have got the job that I initially wanted, but on the flip side, I probably wouldn't have begun to design my own tarot deck if I had have got it, due to a lack of time. Everything happens for a reason, they say.

Yesterday was nice. My boyfriend and I got up early and went to an antique and collector's fair with my parents. It was massive. There were a handful of fields with stalls in, and two large halls. We went last year and I bought a golden brooch. Prior to that, I had been seeing owls of all shapes and sizes. Some in brass, others in wood, in lace, and in stone. I was certain that it was some kind of sign, so I bought the piece of jewellery, as it was shaped into an owl. Since then, the same birds have continued to haunt me, turning up just about everywhere. I recently decided that I would buy a sculpture of an owl when I found the one which was just right. There were many at the fair, but none of them were to my taste. Until I went into one small tent. Amongst all of the other antiques in the tent was a lone stuffed Barn Owl. Taxidermy is not really my kind of thing, but I couldn't keep my eye off of the bird. I went back to that stall three times, and when the owner wouldn't drop his price, my boyfriend forced some extra money into my hand, and the owl became mine.

As I plod along here, Oskar the Barn Owl sits beside the screen. His head is slightly bowed and his claws grip onto a wooden stand. He appears quietly wise. In the same way that my life-coaching, reflection, and work has brought new wisdom to my door, I feel as though I have finally found the right owl.

Illustration from The Crystal Tarot by Emma Garner

Brick by Brick

"The Knave of Wands represents someone who has been preparing to try something new. He has studied and observed. He thinks he is ready, but it is important for him to get it right on the first try, so he is imagining exactly what he is going to do" - from A Guide to Mystic Faerie Tarot by Barbara Moore.

My boyfriend and I had a go at putting my new website together today. For the first hour we didn't get very far, but with a little perseverance, the site was built, brick by brick. It is not a complicated website, but it does it's job.

Like the knave, I have been considering doing this for some time. I have been working on my designs and looking around the web at other tarot-artist's sites. Since we have had little planned this weekend, it seemed the perfect time to give it a go. The Knave of Wands describes the beginning of this exciting project. It is a new start. Even though the site has been built, the project is by no means finished. With eight cards complete, I have another seventy to design.

Illustration from The Mystic Faerie Tarot by Linda Ravenscroft

Trying to Fly

I am drawing with the Enochian Tarot today. This is one of a few decks that I pull out on occasion, but put away quickly, due to it not having a traditional structure. Even though I don't always need tradition and I like Sally Ann Glassman's paintings very much, it does not follow an understandable system. I am hoping that the accompanying bargain book I found yesterday might help rectify this.

Today's card is Pxar, the Ruling Angels of Air. In this illustration, we see two angels. One is encouraging the other to jump from the cliff and fly. In this case, jumping results in freedom. The angel on the cloud is trying to inspire the angel to free himself.

I guess that this card is asking me to consider my own person freedom. On a first glance, some might see me as a free spirit. Even though I am not earning any money at the moment, it would seem that I have little limitations. But this would be incorrect. As an example, my stomach problems (which have lasted for over three years), still keep me awake, mentally and emotionally, as well as physically. They cause me to worry, so I am very often a prisoner of my own anxiety. For me, this card is about trying to see past what are probably silly and needless worries. The angel encourages me to try and fly from the confinement of sorrow and concern which my health issues have brought.

My boyfriend and I got up early and went to see his cousins, since I asked whether they would model for two illustrations I am yet to do. They agreed and I photographed them in their garden. I began one this afternoon, but have decided to take a break from drawing this evening and will continue tomorrow. My boyfriend and I are hoping to start putting a website together for my tarot art this weekend. But for tonight, we are relaxing in my room. I am reading and he is watching the football.

Illustration from The Enochian Tarot by Sally Ann Glassman

The Boost

Yesterday was my mother's birthday. Once my boyfriend's friend had begun her journey back up North, he and I returned here. We bought my mum some jewellery and passed on a large bouquet of flowers from my boyfriend's parents. After shopping for the ingredients, my boyfriend spent the afternoon cooking her a birthday meal and presented her with a chocolate cake in the evening. I think she had a really good day.

Today's card, The Sun, portrays Prince Dagda. This is all we are told in the small book that comes with this deck, but on further reading, I discover that he is the Celtic god of good. With much masculine strength, he has a large appetite for food and sexual gratification, and in this illustration, appears to be receiving a great boost of energy from the sun.

Today has been another nice one. My boyfriend suggested we go back to the sea, so we drove to Herne Bay this morning. There were some interesting little shops there, and I found one that had only just opened, selling a small selection of second-hand tarot decks and books. I told the lady who opened it that it was nice to stumble on a spiritual shop which didn't overprice it's goods. I managed to find an accompanying book for a deck I have had for ages. It was only a pound, so a good bargain.

After we left Herne Bay, we travelled to a place called Reculver. We could see it's two towers from a distance and followed the road to our destination. As I approached it, it dawned on me that I could use it for one of my own tarot designs, so I took many photographs. With the early evening approaching, we drove on to the trendy town of Whitstable. In recent years, the small fishing town has become popular with arty types and people from London, who have nestled into it's cultural bosom. We got some chips and wandered through it's harbour and highstreet before we drove home.

Dagda arches back and gives his body to the warmth of the sun. Today has been very warm again, and in feeling pretty whacked this morning before actually doing anything, our trip to the coast occupied my mind and gave me the boost I needed.

Illustration from The Tarot of the Celtic Fairies by Eldar Minibaev

The Severe Knock

As someone who has never been particularly interested in fairies (however you wish to spell them), I am a little surprised by how many fairy-themed decks I have. During the weekend, I bought the Tarot of the Celtic Fairies on a whim. I had only seen a few samples, but had read a positive review and some of the excitement generated around it on the internet. On unwrapping it when I returned to my boyfriend's, my heart dropped, since the general mood was not what I had expected. Some of the characters are physically crude. If I had had the chance to leaf through the set beforehand, I wouldn't have bought it, but on looking at the brief sentences in the pamphlet that came with it, I realised that it might be an interesting one to bring to the blog.

In today's card, there are two changelings. The false appearance of the one on the left is shrivelling. Her good-looks fade when compared with her companion, so I guess we might see this as any of the physical areas of our life that could easily slip away.

I haven't written here since Friday, as I have been pretty busy. My boyfriend's mate drove down to visit us on Saturday and went back today. Once she had settled her daughter with my boyfriend's parents, we went out for a drink that same evening. It wasn't a late one and we all had a good time. On the Sunday, we looked around historic Rochester. It was the only day where the weather failed us and we hurried through the grounds of the castle, looking for cover from the rain. We also managed a good (but tiring) trip to see the sites of London, and yesterday, we went to the beach. It was very warm and we all laid out in the sun. I took the daughter to walk along the shoreline, and we spent an hour looking at the small fish and collecting as many interesting shells as we could find.

Today's card shows the shrivelling up of my energy and finances since Friday. I had saved up as much as I could beforehand, but it slipped away pretty quickly, just as our weekend did. I ended up drawing out more money than I needed to on our drink-up, bought the Celtic Fairies, and even though my boyfriend and his friend generously took care of all of my meals during the four days I spent with them, I tried to contribute as much as I could throughout. I am kind of dreading looking at my bank balance though, as I know that a few bills will be going out pretty soon too. I think it has suffered a severe knock.

After worrying about how I would cope with the physical side of the long weekend, I was actually okay. It was only last night and this evening that I began to feel fatigued, so today's card makes sense on that level too.

Illustration from The Tarot of the Celtic Fairies by Eldar Minibaev