A Peek at Halloween

For Halloween, tonight has been quiet and our bell has rung just twice. My friend took her 9 year old son around the local houses trick-or-treating quite early on and they popped in to show us his costume. His face was whitened, and dressed in a vampire-like outfit, he also wore big red wings. He looked brilliant. Two other local kids knocked, and without much else to give them, I could hear my parents wrapping up fruit cake as a treat.

Yesterday was a good day. After a quiet Friday night at home, my boyfriend and I got ourselves ready and drove to see my friend and her husband in Surrey. I have known her ever since I was a child. We always have a good time with them, since they are great hosts and their company is very relaxing. Last night was no exception. We popped out to the pub for a couple of swift pints and then returned to theirs for dinner. As we usually do, the four of us sat comfortably in their dining room unil midnight, chatting around the table while their nice open fire kept us warm.

I am not entirely sure how The Emperor fits into today, but with all of that red in the image, he certainly suits Halloween. Even though still stern and expecting of results, I find this Emperor a little more approachable than many I have met through the tarot. Maybe it is due to his youthful appearance. I am not sure who or what he is representing today, but he brings about authority and control to this draw.

My parents had old friends over to the house today and my boyfriend and I joined the four of them for a roast dinner. After that, we sneaked off upstairs for a snooze, since both of us were tired from the drive back from my friend's this morning. We stood out in the garden a little later in the evening, under the tree where it was dry. It was so quiet and not a soul was out. After the build up, it was a little disappointing to see no more than the slightest peek of Old Hallows Eve.

Illustration from The Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels

Taking the more mature role

When I was a teenager I spent my life on the phone, but now I am in my thirties, it is something I rarely enjoy and often shy away from. I much prefer face to face conversation. Having said that, there are a small handful of people who I can talk to on the phone effortlessly, where the time just flies past. One of them is my friend Kate, who called me last night. I looked at my phone after we had said our goodbyes and realised that we had been gassing for over an hour and a half. It is always fun to talk with her. We discussed my ideas about working voluntarily and my concerns around not working in fashion. She told me that I should not dwell on the past or worry too far into the future. She said that I need to make small steps towards what I can do, and most importantly, stop beating myself up about all of the stuff that I cannot. It made me feel so much better. Concentrating on the moment, as she suggested, feels very positive. I guess that my ego just gets in the way sometimes.

The old Lord of Skulls (or The Lord of Takeaways, as I nicknamed him last Friday) is back again. He turned up exactly a week ago with fried chicken, and this week, he brings a chinese. I am not sure that he cares for my diet. Once again, my boyfriend footed the bill, which is why I think this card is in my day: it brings about material care, stability, and protection. To balance things out, I am planning on buying the wine and flowers to take to our friend's house tomorrow, when we go for dinner.

I see this lord as one of maturity and responsibility. After what he described as a boring day at work, my boyfriend suggested that we go out for a drink in town this evening. As much as it would have been nice, I was aware of how the night out could go. What ever grand promises I might make to myself before I leave the house, I know that once out, I will get carried away with the evening and the people I meet, and will not want to come home at a reasonable hour. Since we are going out tomorrow, I didn't want to ruin it by going over the top this evening, so we opted to stay home. Not that I have any money to go out anyway. While my boyfriend is watching one of the SAW films (which I have had to endure aurally as I type here), I completed some art work. Today's card is about taking responsibility, looking after our cash, and taking the mature role for a change.

Illustration from The Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels

The Pigeon Step

Got up early this morning and took the train back home from my boyfriend's house. Without the school kids, the journey was far more peaceful than usual and I felt myself almost drop off on a few occasions before reaching my destination. I didn't sleep too badly last night, but I was exhausted this morning and tucked my head into my three-metre scarf as I shuffled through the dead leaves on the pavement. I had a bit of a headache, so I changed into some slobby clothes when I got in and sank into my bed for an hour.

After talking about my old lifestyle here yesterday, I am reminded of it once again, as I draw today's card - The Priestess. When I used to go out on my old drinking rampages, I would often stay out longer than I should have, so when the clock struck 12, I would then have to deal with the trial of getting home. Negotiating escalators, tube-line changes, and train cancellations is not that easy when you have had a skinful and can barely remember your own name. But there was something which always got me through.

When I needed it, this 'something' inside just took over. You might liken it to someone from air traffic control, trying to land a problematic jumbo-jet via the telephone. You must have seen them do that in those disaster movies, as I have. That was what it was always like for me, and to my memory, this particular drunken jumbo always managed to get home safely (even if he couldn't always remember how). This is the way that I see The Priestess. She is that little something which lays hidden deep within us all, but which we trust in time of need. Some people call it our intuition. I see her as a kind of sensor. It is interesting to draw this card today, because I dreamt a lot last night. In particular, about a cyclist's smashed yellow helmet. When I woke up, it seemed important. Call it a message from the sub-conscious. On our drive to the station this morning, I kept a good eye out for anyone on a bike who got too close to the car.

I made some enquiries with a volunteers bureau today. Rather than go straight for the vacancies myself, I asked if I could meet with someone and discuss it all. I want them to be aware of my current situation and help me find something appropriate. So I have made an appointment to see them next week. I am hoping that this might be my first pigeon step towards eventually getting back into paid work.

Illustration from The Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels

No Need to Drink

I laid awake for hours last night. And I mean hours. I ended up switching the computer on for a while, just to take a break from my thoughts, which were pacing up and down through the corridors of my mind in their size 10s. I was thinking of ways to improve my situation, but hit a brick wall at every turn. My father and the 9 of Knives really sank their teeth into me yesterday and I haven't completely recovered from the attack. My dad gives the impression that he wants me to be able to stand on my own two feet again, but I think that part of him enjoys the heavy handed parent routine and the control he still tries to exercise over me.

I am trying to not sour yesterday by feeling guilty for having fun. My lifestyle is very different to how it once was. I look back at how things were a good few years ago and I shudder. I was on a roller coaster of self-destruction then, and even though I'd say the experience toughened me up to some degree, I did put myself into many a potentially dangerous situation. I have lost count of the amount of times I meandered through the nightspots of London alone, making new friends along the way, but for no longer than that one night. I have missed my last train home on more occasions than I have fingers, and rather than finding some other way of getting back, have either hit the bars and clubs until the next morning or have relied on the kindness of strangers. I dread to think of how many random houses I have woken up in after going back on the promise of one last drink. I've always said that I was streetwise, but I wonder if I am not just bloody lucky to have make it through that time unscathed.

I don't do those things now. And neither do I want to. But even though those days are like a skin I have now shed, people like my father will never allow me to forget them. A few drinks down the pub here seems to hold no less impact than my drunken old rampages through the city of London. Looking to today's card, the 4 of Grails, you might say that my father is feeding off of my emotional life blood and won't loosen his grip. In traditional tarot, the 4 of Grails (or Cups) is a card of apathy. It can mean 'too much of a good thing'. Release that grip already! I've had enough.

As with yesterday, it is raining. The sky is dark and heavy and the garden is awash with puddles. I don't mind the rain. Aside from making the plants and trees look rich and succulent, it keeps Dumb and Dumber inside and stops them from polluting my air space with their racket.

I spent this afternoon with three close friends and their collective children. Despite the fact that they cracked open a good few bottles of wine, due to my spending yesterday in the pub, I sipped on my one glass of wine for the four hours I was there. In a way, I am glad that I did, because my friends made me laugh so much, that I didn't feel a need to drink. Something to do with the 4 of Grails maybe? They treated me to lovely food and good company. So much so that I was kind of sad to leave them at the end of the visit. I am at my boyfriend's house now and we are about to go to sleep. My parents drove me over here earlier this evening, and I am pleased to say that the gap between my father and I, after last night, has grown narrower.

Illustration from The Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels

Breaking the Flesh

Knowing that I needed to get up early this morning, I made today's draw before bed last night. It's not the nicest of cards. Even though she is beautiful in a Grace Kelly-kind-of-way, the vampyress in the 9 of Knives is quick to attack and make a kill. She feels no guilt and is deadly. Since the Knives suit concentrates on the element of air, she readily sinks her teeth into our mind and thoughts. The card represents anxiety, worry, and self doubt. All of the things that I woke up feeling this morning - disappointed with my lack of career, unhappy about my aging physical appearance, and sick of feeling unwell. Is this what they call a mid-life crisis? Oh hell!

I went out early with my parents for a wander around the local market this morning, and then afterwards, went to meet my friend in a cafe. She is an art teacher, so has this week off due to it being half-term. We went to university in London together a good handful of years ago, but she has only moved local to me in the last three months. It's nice that we can do more inpromptu things like this now, and with no plans, we dragged our day out with a little shopping and a trip to the pub to meet a few more of my friends. It was a really nice to kick back and relax. As the day turned into the evening, we ended up sitting and watching contestants in a kareoke, making a few new friends along the way.


Even though I got home at a very respectable hour and in a very respectable state, it didn't stop my dad from giving me a hard time. Sometimes, you'd think I was 13, rather than 38. All of the good work that the time out with my friend had brought about was quickly washed away and I can now feel the bite of the 9 of Swords again, breaking the flesh and opening it's wound. Even though I have always seen this card as representing our own personal demons, this version reminds me that these demons can be stimulated by the fears and doubts of those around us. In this case, it is my father who is catapulting the daggers in my direction, causing me to feel guilty for doing something that I used to do reguarly, but hardly ever do anymore.

Illustration from The Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels

The Return of Dumb and Dumber

I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I lived in between two football fields. Matches were being played on either side, and around each field, spectators jumped and screamed for their players. As I sit here with my coffee this afternoon, I wonder if the dream was a simple dig in my ribs, reminding me that half-term has just begun, since Oddbod's vile throwbacks, Dumb and Dumber (plus friends) have been screaming their heads off in the garden all morning and this afternoon. They have been making their usual yells of fake terror. I guess there will be little chance of selling our house this week.

As I shuffled, I wondered if today would bring another court, and even though the Prince of Skulls was noted for throwing himself out of the pack half way through, he didn't make the actual draw. For today, we have the Ace of Knives. The knife in this illustration looks more menacing than the weapons used in other artist's versions of the same card. The more traditional tarot sword breaks down and swipes away confusion, whereas this dagger-like implement looks as though it might be used to cause someone pain. This is something to be aware of, since knives (or swords) often bring about problems which need to be overcome. Often at a cost.

An ace brings about a new start. Because the suit of Knives deals with thought, this might be a new mind-set or a different way of viewing things. After considering it yesterday, I continued with my wheat-free diet today. As well as omitting wheat, I also resisted anything else that I thought my body doesn't need. I am not happy with how I look at the moment. Going through photographs from a year ago, I can see that I have put on weight and I don't like it. I have always been slim. I was a skinny kid and a skinny teenager. And in my twenties, I ate what I liked (which wasn't much) and could fit into the slinkiest clothing I could find. Even at 35, I was still buying t-shirts in the children's department at H&M. But in the last year, I have become comfortable in my relationship with my boyfriend. I think that this is why I have put the extra pounds on. We haven't eaten as well as we could have (or too well, some might say) and now is the time to do something about it. Enter the clarity of the Ace of Knives. A decision must be made. I can't keep putting this off and still keep moaning about it. There's no gain without a little pain, so it looks as if I might have to pass up a few more of those full English breakfasts and takeaway KFC's.

Illustration from The Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels

Following his Lead

And as if by magic, the Prince of Skulls joins the other three members of his family. After the draws I have already made with this deck since I got it on Thursday, I wasn't entirely surprised to see another court card, but I was a little taken aback to see the fourth, and last, member of the Skull family turn up.

Forgetting that the court cards represent people for one moment, I am choosing to see them purely as energies in the physical world which have importance this week. I have had a lot of problems with my stomach, which has become steadily worse by the day, and maybe these four characters are advising ways of fixing things, since the Skull suit concentrates on the physical side of life. The Lord of Skulls suggests responsibility and control over my environment. He makes mature choices and gains from the discipline and effort he has put in. He is where I want to be. The queen is about nurturing the body and feeding it with what it needs to survive. The Daughter of Skulls knows that it will take new and small steps to achieve the example her parents, the king and queen, have set. And the prince is here today to advise hard work and dedication for that goal. I have been meaning to cut wheat out of my diet again, since it did have a slightly positive effect when I did before, and for breakfast, I had fresh fruit. The Prince of Skulls knows that sticking to a diet is not easy, but if anyone can do it, he can. I need to follow his lead.

Due to my dodgy stomach and my boyfriend's cold, we didn't do anything yesterday. We popped out in the car after dinner to get some supplies for the evening and stayed in my room, watching television. We saw Angelina Jolie in The Changeling, which I had heard mixed reviews of, and without planning to, watched an interview with Cheryl Cole by Pierce Morgan. The latter was pretty uncomfortable to watch. I have known little more about Cheryl Cole than the loud whispers of tabloid gossip, but was really moved by the programme. For no fault of her own, she has had a hard year - very nearly dying from Malaria and then divorcing her cheating husband - but she tearfully handled Morgan's bulldog approach of interviewing with real professionalism and grace. If I didn't think much of her before, I do now.

Because we did nothing yesterday, we went for a spin into town today. Neither of us felt fully recovered, but we wandered around the town for an hour, dropping into the chemists to stock up. I love this time of year, as the shops build up to Halloween. I have already swiped some cheap plastic cauldrons for plant pots and I always like to see what other seasonal stuff they have to decorate my room with. On our travels, we bumped into one of my close friends, who was out shopping with her family. We had hoped to get together with them yesterday for the afternoon-drink-that-never-happened, so instead, I said that I will pop over to hers for lunch on Wednesday. As the chill of Winter gets ever nearer and Bonfire Night is now in view, that end of the year vibe is starting to unfold magically in the world around me. I had forgotten how much I enjoy the approach of Winter.

Illustration from The Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels

One Small Step

What was it I said about court cards? Well, here's another - the Daughter of Skulls. Nearly all of the Skull family have popped up since I started working with this deck on Thursday. This particular one looks at a birth - be it the birth of a new physical experience, a small financial reward, or some kind of message; maybe a physical guest. I am hoping it is not the latter, as I don't enjoy unexpected visitors.

My boyfriend seems to have caught the same cold as my mum and has dosed himself up with flu remedies. We were considering going out for a lunchtime drink today, but it looks as though that is not going to happen now. To be honest, I could do without spending the cash, so this is not a bad thing. I am not a big spender generally, but I do dwindle small amounts of money on things I don't really need and it all adds up. I put a little aside yesterday. I want to save up so that I have enough cash to buy Christmas presents for my boyfriend and parents. Not going out today will help with this and is probably something to do with the small financial benefits of today's card. I will achieve my goal one small step at a time, and every little bit I save will help.

I would have thought that the Daughter of Skulls might mark an improvement in health, but I have had stomach problems since the night. This is nothing unusual for me, but they have been that bit worse than better this week. It looks like it is about to rain and James Bond is sleeping his way around on the television in the background as I type. I'm surprised he ever gets any work done. I intend to look for voluntary and paid work this afternoon, so maybe this daughter will find her true place there.

Illustration from The Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels

Lord of the Takeaways

Until you start to work with the tarot on a daily basis, it can be difficult to understand it's patterns. As an example, there are some cards which never show up for me. They haven't in years. Where as today, I receive yet another court card. I always seem to receive an abundance of court cards in my dailies, whichever deck I am using. Today, I have drawn the Lord of Skulls.

There is a lot of strength in this card and it all radiates from the earth. The black stallion rises on his hind legs, but stays very much connected to the the material world, as shown by the roots at the bottom of the illustration. Without a face, this lord is concerned with no more than getting the job done. He could be my boyfriend, since I often associate this suit with him. He and I usually have a takeaway every couple of weeks on a Friday and he is picking it up on his way here tonight. I suggested that I pay this time, but he wouldn't accept. He treats me to an awful lot, and for today, this lord mirrors his taking care of my physical needs once again. I notice that the horse in this card is strong and certainly means business. This card represents someone who walks the walk, as appose to only talking the talk.

I am quite surprised by the clearness of this deck. When I unravelled it, I wondered if it's slickness might lack depth, but it really has been quite sharp and to the point. Usually, I prefer my tarots to be simple and uncluttered, but these characters lift themselves out of their surroundings. They are very personable. Last night, with my work situation still on my mind, I tried out a three-card spread. In the centre, the Queen of Skulls turned up to depict my present. Even though I think this card rose a second time to specifically help me consider my nurturing skills, I think that it also highlights my mother. In my current situation, both of my parents are very supportive. You might wonder if this support has helped or hindered my way forward, and the first card might be a way of examining that. The 9 of Skulls shows a vampyre in a state of security and contentment. As much as parental help has been just what I have needed, it has cocooned me in a womb of complacency and has not forced me to strive out on my own.


But The Emperor sits in the future position, offering organisation and direction. Foremost, I see this card as a return to the world of industry and work. Also called The Sun of the Morning, he brings new beginnings and order to this reading. As well as depicting change, he might also be an employer, government official, or contact who will assist me in my career or stick a rocket up my behind. I desperately want my health to get better, so that I can willingly accept what he has in store for me.

Today has been so-so. I tried two different drawings for my own personal project, but neither came off. I decided to down tools and put some space between myself and my art for the rest of the day, since it never usually helps to push it too fiercely. My mum has been unwell, but while my father was out, we had a little chat while changing my bed. It was about nothing special - the soaps on television, her friend, the weekend - but it was nice. My dad came back from a funeral, as we were completing the task, with tales to tell. It's funny how people are as they get older. In recent years, I have only been to funerals of people my own age, which have been unexpected and somber affairs, but for my dad, who will be 70 in a few years, it was like a get-together. He was as happy as could be, talking about the people he had seen there and what they had to say. I patted him on the back, and with tongue in cheek, remarked 'I'm glad you enjoyed yourself'.

Illustrations from The Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels

What can I do?

I asked my boyfriend if he would help me look for work this evening - both paid and voluntary - and he said that we can spend some time doing it tomorrow. After the last couple of days, I don't feel up to ploughing through the online sites by myself. For a little guidance, I asked the tarot what kind of work I would be good at and what type I should keep an eye out for. I was pleased that the cards presented me with someone who is sitting down.

For my question, I have been given the Queen of Skulls as an answer. On looking through this pack, I wonder how much (if any) of this deck's models are borrowed from the rich and famous, since I see a resemblance to the odd celebrity here and there. In this one, I see Victoria Beckham. It's something about the crossed leg and the tilt of the head. Not to mention the fact that both this queen and her possible muse enjoy to be seated in the lap of luxury.

There is something interesting about the comparison between the Queen of Skulls and Victoria Beckham. I would hazard a guess that Mrs Beckham is the driving force in her marriage and is one of the reasons why her and her husband have elevated to the position of wealth and fame that they have. She is a woman of few words, but despite her passivity, she holds a lot of power. It is she who is the organ grinder, rather than her monkey husband. Like the Queen of Skulls, she is a strong and faithful woman. It would seem that in recent times (if what we hear in the press is anything to go by) she has had to be. I have never been a fan of the woman, but I respect the way that she has held on to her dignity, despite the amount of flack she has received over the years through no fault of her own.

So how does the Queen of Skulls bring out qualities in me via the world of work? This is the card I also associate with both my own mother and The Empress from the Major Arcana. In our culture, we are not used to seeing the mother as being particularly strong, but I think that this is a mistake. As we can see from Lady Beckham (and my own mum in the last few years), a mother will fight to defend and protect her family. With this in mind, I wonder if the kind of work I need to look into revolves around the care of other people or the environment around me. There are a lot of people who require the practical support or nurture that this queen can offer. I have worked in the care industry before, so it is not a complete surprise to be given an answer like this from the tarot. Because this card is feminine in nature (since a queen is represented by water and emotion), the caring of others could involve providing company or a friendly ear to those who need it. It might also be about the nurturing or guiding of a younger person.

Illustration from The Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels

Time for Change

It was so cold this morning. The fields were glazed with frost on my way home and it is definitely time to start rooting through my scarf and glove drawer. Demeter's fury is snowballing, you might say.

I thought about the job interview as I tried to get to sleep. Part of me wants to just give it a go, but I also believe that I would be getting myself into a silly situation. Aside from not wanting to work nights and weekends, I am scared that I would not be able to cope with the physical demands of standing at a till or shifting stock about in the store all day. If I got the job, took it, and then realised this, I would have lost the allowance that I am currently on and the opportunity of extra help in looking for the right kind of work. The whole thing went back and forth in my mind throughout the night. One of the main reasons for the indecision was my boyfriend. Even though he says that he understands and supports whatever decision I make, I know that he wants me to get back on my feet and be independent again. As do I. All of the time that I am not working, we are not moving forward, and this leans heavily on my conscience.

Even though I finally decided to cancel the interview, I don't feel relieved. I feel tearful and more useless than I did already. I think that I have made the right decision for me at this moment, since I don't feel I am able to fulfill a position like that right now. However, I can't help feeling as though I have just cut off another lifeline.

I received Ian Daniel's Tarot of the Vampyres today. Even though beautiful and seductive, it's Gothic scenes are smeared with more than a handful of blood and play host to some menacing looking characters. For today, I have drawn the Prince of Knives.

As I sit here and look at the prince, self-doubt floods through my veins. This young man is all about taking the bull by the horns and replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. He is about adventure and change, and I am starting to wonder if I made the right decision about the interview. There's not much I can do about it now, but the experience has at least provoked me to seek out some other kind of part-time work; something which is more appropriate for my current needs.

The Prince of Knives carries change. He brings the frost to the early morning grass and a new set of neighbours to our neighbourhood. A young couple and their baby have moved three doors away. I saw the woman last week and smiled as I got out of the car. Yesterday, I noticed Oddbod and her husband walking in that direction. True to form, Oddbod craned her neck to see through their door. As usual, she will make it her mission to get in there before everyone else and try to make friends, as she did with the two families who lived in that house before. Desperate.

Our own house has been trampled through twice this week. The first couple who visited said that it isn't big enough for their mother-in-law to move into with them, and the second said it is too dark. That old chestnut. We were meant to have another woman look around last night, so my parents dashed back in time for the appointment, but she didn't show.

Illustration from The Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels

One of those Days

Today has been one of those days. Aside from not having his size-zero physique, I feel like the skeleton in the first card, the 10 of Knives (or swords, in this deck). With one implement thrust into his chest, is there really any need for the other nine?

I had my meeting with Pathways a few days ago. I was a little disappointed by their lack of focus, but put it down to the first session being an introductory kind of thing, more geared to an initial registration than anything deeper. The advisor seemed to take on board that I need to be gently introduced back into the workplace in a local setting and on a part-time basis, so I was quite miffed when she called me today and told me that she had found two jobs on my behalf. One was in Ilford, and the other in Deptford. The latter, being the furthest away, would take just under two hours to get to and would require three changes on the train. It is quite a high-up position with a lot of responsibility. Does that sound like the kind of opportunity you would suggest to someone who has been signed off of working by the doctor, due to having chronic-fatigue?

My parents dropped me off to meet my boyfriend in the late afternoon. Because I was early, I looked for somewhere to sit and read my book. Checking out a small garden at the rear of the cobbled high street, I casually walked into the back door of a pub to order a drink. It was only once I was in there, that I realised I was actually standing amongst a wedding reception. Nobody seemed to notice, so I ordered a half of Guinness. There were 'Just Married' signs all over the function room and children were playing about on the dance floor with balloons. I eventually snuck out to the garden, drank up and left, before meeting my boyfriend from the station.

Caught off guard, I answered a phone call this evening. It was regarding a job I had applied for over a month ago. It is for seasonal work, and after a couple of questions, the woman invited me in for an interview tomorrow morning. Getting pulled along with the conversation, I agreed, knowing deep down that it probably isn't something I can handle at this moment in time. It appears that a selection of the shifts start at 7am and some finish at 10pm. They would also want me to work at weekends. In theory, this is something I would want to do. It's only for three months and would put a few extra pennies in my pocket, but due to my health at the moment, I am worried about whether I would be able to handle it. I have decided to sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning. I would rather not have this decision to make. As I said, today has been one of those days.

Illustrations from The Vampire Tarot by Robert Place

Under Influence

It's getting colder here, and while walking to town early this morning, I needed to pull a scarf from my bag to combat the chill. The seasons are turning rapidly and it will be Halloween soon. With that in mind, I have pulled out Robert Place's 'Vampire Tarot' today. I am not that big on vampires. I'm not nuts about blood and didn't get on with the recent Twilight films. However, I am expecting Ian Daniel's 'Tarot of the Vampyres' in the post any day now, which is my reason for re-vamp-ing my blog's colour scheme this evening.

I met my friend early this morning and we went for breakfast. Rather than picking one of the large fried platters, I was good and went for a small option - easier on the wallet and waistline. We wandered around the shops, and as usual, I began to lose energy and concentration around the hour-mark. We found a small cafe and sat down for some extra time, since I was crawling along at the pace of a snail. My friend is very good company, so I was very quickly relaxed and soon forgot about how tired I had been feeling.

In today's cards, we see Dracula. This is the version that many people recognise, due to the popularity of the films featuring Christopher Lee. In this illustration, his stare is hypnotic and influences those whom it falls upon. His claws are out and he is potentially dangerous. In the first card, we see the 19th Century Italian/English author, John Polidori. He was the first to write a piece of prose on a vampire, which is why he has been included in this deck. As a duo, I would say that it is this person (or more importantly, the person who the card mirrors) that is under the influence of the vampire from the 5 of Stakes. Dracula is charismatic and often charming, so the knight in the first card might be unaware of his intentions.

I have a feeling that the Knight of Garlic Flowers (or Pentacles) is my boyfriend. He often comes up as this court figure, due to his ability to carry on despite the odds with enthusiasm and without complaint. I have an idea what situation is represented by the 5 of Stakes too, and as these cards show, he is not acknowledging it by looking in the other direction and making his own plans. I am pleased that he has chosen this route because he can be easily influenced and leaned on by those around him.

Illustrations from The Vampire Tarot by Robert Place

Hanging About

Hmm. How appropriate. After my date with The Devil last night, I have now drawn The Hangover .. erm ... I mean The Hanged Man. However, in this case, the card depicts a hanging woman. She has thrown herself from the rafters and gently swings in mid-air.

My boyfriend and I didn't feel our best this morning. Waking up cold on my friend's sofa, we eventually found it in ourselves to get up and brave the walk home. I am feeling ok now but he is wrapped up on my bed in a fleece throw, sleeping. It kind of makes sense to receive this card. While a hangover reigns, everything else is suspended during recovery.

My boyfriend and I were talking about our relationship yesterday. Or more specifically, moving in together. It upsets me that it is me who is holding us back from living together, as I swing from my rope, slowly in the breeze. I have an appointment with a support group called Pathways tomorrow, whose aim is to help me get back to work. If they can help cut the rope from which I have been hanging for too long, it will be one step closer to achieving the lifestyle that my boyfriend and I desire.

Illustration from The Dark Angels Tarot by Luca Russo

Knocking me out of Balance

The tarot always appears to know when I have been invited out because this little fella seems to pop up nearly every time, with a bottle of wine in either hand.

My boyfriend and I made the trip to the market stall this morning, but in not finding the seller that my parents spoke about, it was all a bit disappointing. We ate breakfast near by and then returned. My boyfriend was tired and is possibly coming down with the same cold that my parents brought back from Wales, so he slept for the majority of the afternoon, in anticipation of our evening out. This meant that we missed his nieces birthday party. However, we did see her yesterday, so hopefully not a big problem.

We walked to a friend's house party this evening. For her 30th, she opened up her little cottage to around forty people and cooked. There was a friend who I remember from my time in London, and a sprinkling of other people who I have met briefly over the years. My friend's sister and I have never met before, but with a mutual interest in tarot, we hit it off instantly. The party eventually made it to the pub, and then a small handful of us returned to the house later, where my boyfriend and I stayed. At 6'3", he is not the easiest person to share a three-seater sofa with.

So with an extra bottle or two hidden up his sleeve, The Devil came a'calling. He never comes to a party empty-handed and confidently knows the pin number to my bank card off by heart. If I thought my bank balance was low a few days ago, it took a serious bashing this evening, with one thing or another. This card knocks me out of balance; a few too many drinks, too little sleep, not enough food, and too much cash spent. But as the little green guy skips off on his hooves, I guess I can only write it off as a good night with friends, which it was.

Thinking about The Devil's appearance last Wednesday, where he totally ransacked my parent's house and rifled through their drinks cabinet, I was happy to hear that one of our nice neighbours collared my boyfriend on his way back from the car. After reading the note that I had put through her door, she asked him to tell me not to worry. She said that we sounded as though we were having a good time, but didn't really disturb them. So that is one small weight off of my mind.

Illustration from The Tarot of the Witches by Fergus Hall

Bursting Bubbles

Ace of Pentacles
9 of Cups

I have had one reoccurring dream for many years. Even though the characters and destination changes, the underlying idea is always the same. It centres around my being in someone I know's house when they are not there. I know that I am not supposed to be, and eventually, the home-owner returns. At that point, I am panicked by what I have done and must either confront the person and explain why I am in their house or find a quick exit before they see me. In the past, I have jumped from balconies and have hidden in cupboards, but in last night's dream, my mum's old friend, Pat, returned a little earlier than expected.

In the dream, she had been on holiday. For some reason, a few friends and I had a key and let ourselves in to cook some food and watch her tv. Eventually, Pat returned through her garden door, and was startled to see people in her home. I instantly hugged her and told her that we had let ourselves in to give her a warm welcome on her return. She kind of bought it, but I still felt on edge for the rest of the dream because I was somewhere that I shouldn't be. In reality, my mum and I have not spoken to Pat in nearly a decade. After all of these years of dreaming this same scenario, I am still at a loss regarding it's significance. I wonder if it has something to do with a security and lifestyle that I currently have, but which I haven't properly earned.

Interestingly, today's cards look at dreams and security too. In the second card, the 7 of Cups, a man throws himself onto the ground, beneath seven spilling cups of delusion. He has been living in a fantasy world and his bubble appears to have finally burst. People are not who he thought they were and things have turned out differently to how he had expected. The first card is the Ace of Pentacles. I would guess that opportunities and financial limitations have something to do with the man's disappointment. With another bill going out of my account a few days ago, I dread looking at my bank balance. I am sure that I am deluding myself by how much I hope is in there.

Last night was good. My boyfriend and I eventually shook off our hangovers and cleared up the house. We popped to the supermarket in the late afternoon and when we returned, I cooked a chicken dish for my friend. It was a more subdued evening than the previous one, and with ten empty wine bottles from the night before waiting to hit the recycling bin, we were not tempted to drink any more alcohol. After the advice of The Empress yesterday, I did pop round to the nice set of neighbours to apologise for last night's noise, but they were not in. Instead, I dropped a note through their door, telling them that I hope we had not disturbed them too much and was sorry if we had. I thought that this was better than saying nothing at all. I remember a very similar occasion from when I was living in North London. Despite being a one off, we had made such a row that the remainder of the people in our block had written and signed a note of dissatisfaction and pasted to the wall downstairs. With my tail between my legs, I had gone down in the dark the next evening when nobody was about and put up an apology in it's place, which defused their anger. Of course, on this occasion, I didn't apologise to Oddbod.

We've not done too much today, aside from going to meet my boyfriend's niece from school. It is her 7th birthday. Mum and Dad came back from Wales this evening. They had been travelling since this morning and were shattered, so I cooked a roast dinner and my boyfriend and I are now retiring in my bedroom. Our time of playing house is now over. But the weekend is here. My parents said that there is a stall in a market not too far away which sells cheap tarot decks, so if the man is set up tomorrow, we are hoping to go take a look.

Illustrations from The Cosmic Tarot by Norbert Losche

Trapped in the Dark

A friend of mine has started an online group, mixing the tarot cards with poetry. For part of this, she has used the images as a springboard for her own writing, but she also uses existing poems as an ingredient for her interpretations of the cards. I decided to give the latter a go.

I used to love Jim Morrison in my teens, and in flicking through my bookshelf a couple of days ago, I came across a book called Wilderness, offering lost writings from his journal. I randomly chose the following poem -

Moment of Freedom
as the prisoner
blinks in the sun
like a mole
from his hole

a child's 1st trip
away from home

That moment of freedom

One of the first things that this made me think of is the rescue of the miners in Chile, who have been trapped underground for two months. The first batch of rescued men have been sent to hospital and have been put in a darkened ward, where their eyes can adjust to the light gradually. The Tower card describes unexpected chaos, so in a mix with Morrison's poem, I see it as the explosion which trapped them in the first place.

Sometimes, I feel like a prisoner. It is as though I have been living in the dark for the last couple of years. I sometimes wonder if being offered a job a little sooner, or not jacking in the one I had so easily, might have saved me from the chronic fatigue I now have. My confidence and the way forward has been stripped from me to some extent and I long for the time when I will be rescued from this period of my life. The support group I am seeing on Monday might act a little bit like the ward that the freed miners are being sent to. Rather than adjusting to the rays of the sun, they might be able to help ease me back into employment. After my week of being alone in the house with my boyfriend, I want us to move in together as soon as we can. Until I get work, that can't happen, so I remain trapped in the dark.

Illustration from The Cosmic Tarot by Norbert Losche
'Moment of Freedom', taken from Wilderness: The Lost Writings of Jim Morrison

The Bomb Site

9 of Swords
The Empress

The 9 of Swords returns for another bite. It anticipated a hangover yesterday, and it was quite right. After our night with friends, I feel as though someone is chucking a cutlery drawer of knives at my head, and with the amount of noise we made, it might as well be our neighbours who are doing it. Towards the later part of the evening, one of my friends was singing opera in the garden, and from then on, the music in the living room was turned up a notch. As childish as it might seem, it felt like payback to Oddbod and her family, even though I hope that I haven't offended those on the other side. It's out of the ordinary for us to ever make any noise, so they should understand.

The house looks as though a bomb has hit it. A duvet is the only sign that one of my friends fell asleep on the couch and stayed. I have no idea when she left, since only the bedding remains in a heap, like a snake's discarded skin. The table is overflowing with bottles and 70s-style nibbles, while the garden has a fine sprinkling of cigarette buts, like confetti at a wedding. My boyfriend went downstairs a little while ago and I heard him utter the words 'Bloody hell!'

But aside from all of that, we had a nice evening. Lots of funny stories and memories relived. My plan to stick to one kind of drink failed miserably and I dabbled in wines of all colours. I have a foggy head now, but I guess it is slightly better than it could be. We have another friend coming round this evening, so I need to get rid of the old hangover, clean up the bombsite downstairs, and shop for fresh chicken. Tonight will be a more sedate occasion.

The Empress falls into today to accompany the 9 of Swords. As a natural carer, she softens the brow of the first card and adds a little nourishment to it's open wounds. This might be the key to recovery before this evening, but I wonder if it hints at my apologising to the nice set of neighbours after last night's rampage. By midnight, we had turned into five little gremlins. If I do say something, it will mirror The Empress's ability to build bridges and care for those around her.

Illustrations from The Cosmic Tarot by Norbert Losche

Playing House

9 of Swords
The Devil

Of course, it feels strange to not have my parents here, but I heard from my mum this morning and she said that they are having a laugh in Wales with their friends. They really need this break. Up until recently, they were both worrying about my dad's health, but now that he has had his operation and the all-clear from the hospital, he can now enjoy his five days away, and walk about without any pain.

Even though it is unusual to not have my parents fussing over me or tending to my every need, having the house to ourselves has given me a small glance into how things will one day be with my boyfriend. Our evenings have been nice and relaxed. We have laid out on the sofas and watched television, taking time out to go and sit on the patio in the garden. It is lovely out there in the evenings at the moment. Even though there is a slight chill, there is a comfort in the plants and trees that curl around and shelter the garden, and in the moonlight, it is beautiful. This morning, I got up and cooked breakfast for the two of us. A slight breeze breathed softly into the dining room, as Jimi Henrix's Angel seeped from the living room stereo. Even though my boyfriend and I have lived away from home independently before, it is nice to play house here this week. However, for every positive there is for being here alone together, there is a negative. I have found my way onto the patio to smoke more than I would usually (which is next to nothing in the week) and the fridge seems to be uncharacteristically re-stocking itself with wine, cider and Guinness. With that in mind, I guess that I shouldn't be surprised to see The Devil in today's draw.

One of the things I miss about having my own house is not being able to entertain. When my ex and I lived in North London, we had people over a lot - sometimes for drinks, often for dinner. At the time, we were friends with other couples who lived in the area and would take it in turns to cook for one another. Our flat was small but cosy and perfect for that kind of thing. I would light candles all around the living room, and after my interest in tarot began, would often take a friend or two into the bedroom to read their cards on my big red bed. It was so calming in there. Wind chimes played at the window and the bright pink fabric around it's frame would dance elegantly in the breeze. But since leaving the flat and then going to university for three years, I have not had such a place to invite people to. Some of my other friends, including my boyfriend, are in the same position, which is why we went out on the town for so long and have spent so much time in bars and clubs over the last five years. There wasn't somewhere we could comfortably take anyone back to. This is not to say that my parents are not welcoming, because they are: just not at 4 o'clock in the morning.

But tonight, my boyfriend and I are entertaining. We have a minimum of four friends coming over for drinks. They are all long-term mates and I have known two of them for over twenty years. We are going to pop out in a while and get some provisions. We already have some bizaar Halloween goblets which I couldn't resist, but need to buy some wine to go in them. All of the people coming like a good drink-up, which is why I think The Devil has popped up in today's duo. He doesn't understand moderation, and after a bottle or two (or more likely three or four), neither do my friends or I. If I am unlucky, I will be holding my head like the chap in the 9 of Swords tomorrow. If any card from a tarot deck resembles a hangover, then it's this one!

The 9 of Swords is a card of anxiety and worry. One of my drinking partners and I are terrible for going over the top and regretting it the next day. She will call me frequently afterwards, asking the same question - "Are you sure I wasn't too bad?". So these cards advise me to try and not go too mad this evening. My mouth so often runs away with me when I have had a drink, so maybe it is best to try and put a leash on it beforehand, rather than regret it tomorrow.

A little light fell on yesterday's cards today. A friend of mine is starting a stall with her friend and has asked me to do some design work for a magazine advertisement. This might be the financial support that I have been waiting on. She hasn't been in touch for a while and thought it cheeky to ask, but I don't mind, since she has always been very supportive to me. That may be incorporated in the 7 of Pentacles.

Illustration from The Cosmic Tarot by Norbert Losche

The Waiting Game

I usually find the court cards from a tarot deck a difficult set to read and I am not alone, since they can fit so many different kinds of people at different times in our life. While sitting in the garden this morning with my cup of coffee, I thought about how the remaining cards in the pack might be an easier set of keys to use for describing people. Take the 9 of Pentacles in today's draw as an example. The card shows a woman, content in her home, drinking some tea. She is set outside of the world about her, cut of by the wall of her garden and the panes of her window. She is luxuriously dressed and secure, but hers is a luxury she indulges in alone. Could she be someone that I know?

Yesterday was a perfect start to my holiday with my boyfriend. Even though I am not working, I decided to take a rest from my normal routine. I am halfway through designing an image for my own tarot project, but I have decided to down tools this week and just relax with him. My parents are in Wales for five days, so we have the house to ourselves. We looked after my boyfriend's two year old niece yesterday and took her over to see a friend and her daughter. His niece had a lovely time and my mate's little girl made her very welcome by letting her play with her toys and inviting her into the fairy tent in her room. After we had taken her back home to her parents, we returned here and I cooked dinner. With a few glasses of wine, we occupied my parent's empty living room and watched some television; including an old Dracula film from the 60s, called The Prince of Darkness.

In today's draw, the 7 of Pentacles indicates some kind of waiting game. A man stands and looks at his garden, waiting for his fruits to mature. This takes time and requires patience. It might be that he is waiting for the woman in the first card; or some kind of financial contribution and support. In either case, for the moment, the woman looks in the opposite direction.

Illustrations from The Connolly Tarot by Eileen Connolly

Time of the Month

My boyfriend took my parents and I out for a drive this morning. We went to a place that makes garden ornaments out of concrete, hoping to find a small dog for his parents, to remind them of Lenny. They are going to bury his ashes in their garden and will probably put some kind of potted plant or flowers on a paving slab above. Even though there was some lovely statues there, they didn't have anything which looked enough like Len to merit a purchase, so we drove on to Rochester before coming home. After dinner, we went to pick them up from the airport, as they returned from Greece this afternoon.

Today's cards are interesting. I see the man in the 5 of Wands to be chasing the dove on the first card and it leads him to the peaceful ace. The water he rides on is turbulent, making this a difficult goal to pursue. As my boyfriend noticed, I have been a little on edge for the last couple of days. Last night, for no particular reason, I was fit to burst. There is no particular reason why. Maybe it is just my time of the month. When I look at the 5 of Wands, I see the rocky seas that I am bobbing about on at the moment. We have both been a little bit touchy with each other today and I think that these cards show my need for calm and some kind of emotional reassurance.

After collecting his parents, my boyfriend drove me back here. We wanted to see the results of the first X-Factor live show and got home just in time. The guy who I was excited to see develop in the competition, Nicolo Festa, was booted from the competition first. I don't know why I am surprised. It is not unusual for someone a little different, interesting, and quirky to be kicked aside by the British public for the sake of the more mundane and safe options.

Illustrations from The Connolly Tarot by Eileen & Paul Connolly

A Lazy Saturday

My boyfriend and I were considering going to Camden and Notting Hill today. I have worked in both places, but have not been back to either in quite a while. The markets are good and both areas of London are quirky. When I was in my 20s, I frequented both a lot; be it for shopping or to spend the whole night out in the bars and clubs. However, my boyfriend and I decided to give going a miss for a couple of weeks. I am pretty skint at the moment and it would be better for me to go when I won't miss the expense of it so much. And this is what the cards are advising.

Both of today's cards revolve around protecting what we have. The man in the first card stands on his money to keep it safe and the redhead in the second is on guard. 'Hold on to what you have for the moment' they tell me.

So today has cost next to nothing.We drove back to my parents around lunch time and have been hidden away up in my room ever since, taking breaks just for dinner and a late-night drive to the shop for resources. We are hoping to see friends on different evenings next week and will probably find some other stuff to do, so for the start of our holiday together, we have just indulged in a lazy Saturday at home.

Illustrations from The Connolly Tarot by Eileen & Paul Connolly

Just One More

The 6 of Pentacles is a card of balance; a card of giving, receiving, and compromise. The Page of Cups leans into the scene and offers a cup to it's harmony.

I was exhausted when I got back from my boyfriend's this morning. I was desperate to sleep but needed to do some food shopping, so threw myself into that before taking a nap. I have been feeling better lately, but I realise that I can't overdo things. Keeping the balance is the essence of today.

I returned to my boyfriend's in the early evening, as I have been all week, and we went to his sister's for dinner: just us, her husband, and their kids. Due to feeling tired, I wasn't up for drinking too much, so only had a couple of pints. But since it is the beginning of his time off of work, my boyfriend was up for relaxing and had a few more than I did. However, since we didn't want to waste tomorrow, we compromised. I sat up with him while he had a drink and he closed the night down at a reasonable hour, before going to bed. The Page of Cups offers one last drink, but instead, balance is maintained.

My boyfriend and I compromise often. When we are out on the town, if he wants to go home, he will sometimes stay out that little longer for me. And I try to do the same for him when he wants just one more or resist that extra hour when he doesn't. These cards are about consideration. In this case, the extra cup from the page is refused.

Illustrations from The Connolly Tarot by Eileen & Paul Connolly

A Small Dose of Success

I never seem to get the 6 of Wands in readings or draws. In my mind, this has something to do with the fact that I haven't had much success in recent times: be it with the house sale, getting a job, or having problems with my health. But the triumphant fighter rides into today's draw, indicating some kind of unusual, but good, result. Since he only trots into a daily draw (rather than a reading with more depth), his essence is minimised to some degree. He is accompanied by the equally content woman of the 9 of Pentacles, who represents feelings of security and affluence. Therefore, as a duo, these cards bring some kind of positive result to my day, regarding money and stability. After not hearing about my change in benefits, I called my advisor this morning. She checked on the system and it would seem that everything is going through as it should be. This is what the cards are hinting at. I am relieved to hear that things have been handled correctly with my claim. Something which I am not used to, with regard to the Job Centre.

Today has been nice. Aside from making calls to both the Job Centre and an independent group (who will assist me back into work gradually), I spent the day with my boyfriend's sister and her friend. We had lunch and chatted. In the evening, she cooked me dinner, since my boyfriend was out for a drink after work. I care about my boyfriend's family a lot and get along with them well. Zoe and her husband are great company, and their presence adds to the vibrancy of the 9 of Pentacles.

Illustrations from The Legacy of the Divine Tarot by Ciro Marchetti

Wise Words

My boyfriend didn't feel 100% today, so had his first day sick in a year of working at his job. I think he felt a little guilty for not going in, but in comparison to the amount of time his colleagues have off, I suggested that he really shouldn't feel bad. So today has been a quiet one at his house. By the afternoon, his sister popped in and found us napping in the living room. With the school run to do, she delicately placed her two year old daughter onto our sleeping heap, and the three of us slept for an hour or so while she went to pick up her other son and daughter.

Today's cards are L'Amante (the male lover) and Vecchia, which shows an old woman. Even though we might see the second card as a woman in our life, today, I am viewing her as experience and advice. I would say that this advice has something to do with the lover, who I am assuming is my boyfriend. We were talking about money this evening. For a while, I have been considering setting up an eBay account and making money out of some of the tarot decks that I have. I also have an old Edward Gorey set of books, which seems to pull in a good price in previous sales I have seen. At the moment, I have very little cash, and I thought that selling these items would give me a few more options for when Christmas comes. My boyfriend suggested that I might be wiser to hold onto the goods for that bit longer. He said that it might be better to keep them under the bed than sell them off and squander the money on nights out or silly little things I don't need. I think that he is right, but at the moment, it is he who is financing these nights out and the silly little bits and pieces that I desire on impulse. I want to be able to contribute and also treat him to a night out or something he likes every so often.

These cards made me think about our conversation more. I think they remind me of how important his wise words are, regardless of how I feel about things generally. It might make more sense to sell my decks and books on when I have other money to pay for the day to day stuff. Maybe then, the money can be used for a deposit on a flat or something more beneficial that we want to buy together. So for now, I won't be selling anything.

Illustrations from The Oracle of the Sibyl by Georgio Tavaglione

An Enemy in the Shadows

After getting home last night, my boyfriend and I had just a couple of hours sleep before driving his parents to the airport. They are staying in Cyprus for a week. We left just after 4am and it took around forty-five minutes each way. We were both quite tired when we got back, and even though we slept straight away, didn't lay in for too long this morning. It has been rainy again, but my boyfriend went out and shopped for dinner, and when he returned, we caught up on The X-Factor. I have never watched any of these kind of competitions before, but his family do and I have been drawn into it this time. There is some real talent on there and I am kind of excited about seeing where the show goes.

Today's cards are interesting as I realise that they do not need to be taken literally. The first card is Nemico, which translates as an enemy. The second, Casa, revolves around the home and what we consider to be our security. With the two images next to each other, I see that the man is vulnerable, walking just outside of his home. In the shadows, an enemy lurks, waiting. The man's home or stability is threatened.

I thought about these cards for a long time, wondering how they might fit into my day, and I realise that they do not necessarily have to focus on a person. I had a good few drinks at the party last night. I felt like I needed to relax a little and let myself go, which I did. My boyfriend didn't drink at all, due to our drive to the airport, so he had a few drinks this afternoon. I had a bit of a hangover this morning and his wine sent him to sleep. Even though this is not a problem, since we wanted to slob about and relax, you could see alcohol as being our enemy in the house, as it has affected both of us today and limited what we can do.

With a little more X-Factor this evening, we have made the most of having the house to ourselves and finished our evening with a curry.

Illustrations from The Oracle of the Sibyl by Georgio Tavaglione

Bambinos and Barbecues

It is interesting to see the Bambino card in today's draw, since I pulled it in a three-card reading last night, asking if there was any news or information which I should be aware of. One of the other cards focused on a messenger. In my interpretation, I wondered if there would be news of a pregnancy or birth. Even though I was hoping it might concern a specific friend, this morning I received an email, telling me that another old friend had given birth to her second child. Her first little girl had been born with a cleft and needed a series of operations, but their new baby has not. I suppose that after worrying that their second child would have to go through similar traumatic procedures to the first, you could say that the birth of their bambino is a victorious occasion, as shown in the first card.

My boyfriend and I went into town in the rain today. I needed a haircut and we had to pick up a birthday card for my friend. After seeing my aunt and uncle, who popped in for a cup of tea, we went to my friend's birthday party. She had planned a barbecue, which despite the heavy rain, she still managed to have. She put up some shelter in the garden and we had a really nice time. A few of my really good friends came along, so it was good to spend some time with them.

Illustrations from The Oracle of the Sibyl by Georgio Tavaglione

The Crush, and Good News

Even though I believe that yesterday's cards had something to do with my friend getting in touch, after I had posted yesterday's blog entry, they began to fly elsewhere, in a way that I hadn't expected and which strengthened their meanings.

Have you ever had a crush? I have had a few over the years, but I will never forget my first. I must have been fourteen at the time. Or maybe it was a little earlier. I had seen a boy at school who simply knocked me off of my feet. He was the strong but silent type. Dark hair, defined cheekbones, twinkly eyes, and a beautiful half-smile. I had no idea who he was, but every-so-often, on walking home through the playground or struggling amongst the crowds in the corridor between lessons, I'd see him.

For the first three of my five years at that school, I only ever got to study with half of the students in my year. It's just how their system went. The year was broken up into two for some kind of simplicity, I guess. But in the last two years, due to us studying for our GCSEs, they mixed the two halves together. On walking into my new classes at the start of my fourth year, my stomach dropped. The boy, who's name I had not even known before this, was now in two of my groups and sat amongst a group of lads. A few I knew, and some I didn't. I think that my crush really began at that moment.

In art class, one of the first projects we were assigned was to tell the rest of the class about ourselves. To share our hobbies and interests. But there was a twist. The art teacher decided that we must pair up with another student and visually describe that person by what they told us. However, rather than us just pairing up with our mates, the teacher had already put together a list of who would be working with who and read it out to us at the beginning of our first lesson together. You don't have to be Einstein to work out where this is going. I was both excited and scared shitless when he announced that I would be paired up with this boy.

He and I were photographed together by our teacher, so that we both had something to draw from. That picture was like a piece of gold or something to me and I sank into it at home a lot. The project was kind of successful and I got a good mark, but more important than that, it had introduced me to him. From then on, we would say hello in the corridor, and each time, my teenage heart would skip a beat. I desperately wanted to share how I felt about him with someone, but in those days, at 15, nobody knew I was gay. Instead, I shared all I had to give with my diary and would write him letters about how I felt within it's pages. I salvaged bits of artwork he'd chucked in the bin after class and would look out for his parents car in the mornings, when they dropped him off. Can you believe that at 38, I can still remember the registration number! In short, I would try to snatch any little glimpse or moment with him that I could. I am sure that this had something to do with my acting up in my last year at school. I became a bit of a rebel and all-round pain-in-the-arse for teachers through back-chatting and walking out of lessons. I think that some of this was unconsciously about trying to get his attention and not go unnoticed.

My crush lasted for years. Even after school had finished. It had strengthened with each day, to the point where my date for leaving school after my exams was like an execution, looming on the horizon. I knew that I would probably not see him again. Or at least, not as regularly. However, this was not as likely as it might have seemed, since one of my best mates lived in the same road as him. She and I saw each other a lot and I'd make sure that I would always walk the long way round to hers, just so that I would pass his house. On a few occasions, I saw him. And on one particular one, we stopped and talked as he did his trainer laces up on his parent's front garden wall.

So what has this got to do with yesterday's cards? After reading a moving post on a friend's blog the other day, I thought about this boy last night. I always wondered what he would look like as a man, and over the years, I have typed his name into social networking sites out of curiosity, with no avail. But since my friend had unintentionally reminded me of my four year crush by talking about someone from her own past, I punched his name into Google. Can you believe that something turned up! It was the first link. An article about him, with a photograph. I found myself covering my mouth in shock. And as I did, I looked down at the two cards I had drawn - I was being reconciled with my sad and unrequited crush. I haven't forgotten how many tears I cried into my pillow over him in my mid-teens. It all seemed to fit with the prediction.

Of course, I am happily engaged to a wonderful man and have a real relationship now, but there is something nice about revisiting that time in this post. Probably the innocence of it all. The funny thing is that after all of those years, I still can't say his name here. I hid my crush so well then. The boy is now a man. I can still see that glimmer of magic beneath the layers of age, and with a maturity I didn't have then, it makes me smile. From now on, I will see the Riconcilazone card as one which has connections to the past; be that a memory or a direct link, such as this.

For today, I have drawn Sospiri (longing) and Vittoria (victory). The second card blazed into this morning, when my father came to my room with a letter. For over two weeks, we have been waiting for the results of his hospital visit. I see this in the first card, showing a woman waiting for a boat to return. It requires hope and patience. The second card is about victory and success. After our belief that the tests would pick something up, I am really happy to say that they do not show any signs of Cancer.

Illustrations from The Oracle of the Sibyl by Georgio Tavaglione