The Rush

When I first started studying kabbalah with The Kabbalah Centre in London, I remember being told that there are no coincidences in life. With this and my draw from last night in mind, I drew today's card from the New Orleans Voodoo Tarot. Using the same method as yesterday, I shuffled the cards first, before stopping, closing my eyes, and then intuiting a random number. As I was shuffling, the eighth major card, Possession, flew from the pack. I inserted it back inside and continued. When I finally counted through to my random number, which was 29, Possession was the card that I turned over. With a half smile on my face and wondering if I was giving Paul Daniels a run for his money, I thought I would give the deck one last task, and casually asked it to produce it's wild card. I told it that I wanted to confirm that this wasn't a fluke. Still smiling, and without thinking, I cut the deck and turned over the first card after the cut. To my surprise, it was the decks 79th additional 'wild card', entitled Les Barons. My smile quickly turned to a look of shock and I uttered the words 'Shut up!' in disbelief. I am not going to continue to consciously test the deck in this way, but I do think it is one that I need to spend some time with.

In today's card, Possession, we see a large spirit kind of piggy-backing a dancer. It has filled the person with it's personality and essence. It is far larger than the person beneath it and overwhelms them, but this is necessary for it to shape and direct the physical mass of the dancer. This card is about giving our self up and making a sacrifice, but this does not necessarily need to be seen negatively. The traditional eighth major card in Rider Waite based decks is Strength. Thinking about the two cards as one, sometimes we need to search within for spirit as large as this one, to take us over and help us confront our biggest fears or challenges. We have all heard people in disastrous situations say 'I don't know where I found my strength from'. Quite possibly, they were possessed by 'spirit' far greater than them self in a time of need.

Possession is an important part of Voodoo in Haiti. The person being possessed is often called a horse who is ridden by the possessing loa. The possessed person may move unnaturally and speak in unknown languages. Sometimes, when we have a rush of confidence during a situation which is deemed to be threatening or difficult, others may not recognise us. We have all heard stories of kids who were considered puny or weak, who have eventually taken so much from a bully before their rage unexpectedly resulted in them fighting back with great results. Or there are the people who drag victims twice their size out of burning buildings, because something in them tells them that they have to. This is how I view today's card. It's about facing our fears and that rush that gets us through.

The snow has been falling all day. My boyfriend sent me a message early this morning to tell me that he was working from home, as the trains were not running. The way that the snow is falling, I doubt that he'll make it in tomorrow either. He emailed me a picture of his 3 year old niece in the snow, all wrapped up warm, which put a smile on my face. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to test out my wellies just yet, but unfortunately my Pathways appointment wasn't cancelled. I attended it as planned, but it was as little use as the last one I went to. The woman showed no confidence in the forthcoming medical that I have to go to, saying that they would probably not recognise my chronic fatigue and say that I am fit to work. Even though I want to be able to return to work sooner than later, the pressure of it being sooner is a little scary for me. I was very tired after my walk to Pathways, and I am still yet to find out how much work I can actually handle. On the bright side, the wellies were great and looked pretty sharp with my outfit. They are slightly shorter than conventional ones and are black.

Just getting up and motivated reminds me a little of today's card. I didn't feel much like braving the Winter weather, but I knew that I had to, so something pulled me from my bed. Aside from this, the card reminds me of the snow. The white spirit overwhelms the dancer in the same way that the weather has hijacked the land, transport, and community. I took a bus home from town this afternoon and at one bus stop, it was completely ambushed. It was like driving through a war zone, as about twenty kids stood on a bank and pelted it with snowballs. As the queue of people got on, the kids were trying their level best to send the balls of snow through the open door, which they succeeded in doing, hitting the driver's window and the other passengers. Even though irritating, there was a childish side of me that could see the comedy in the situation.

Illustration from The New Orleans Voodoo Tarot by Sallie Ann Glassman

A Card before Bedtime: Gran Ibo

Ok. You're either not going to believe this, or you probably won't think it is much of a big deal. Usually, I wouldn't think too much of it either, but because I have such a fascination with this deck (and still find it kind of uncomfortable), what just happened jolted me a little. While shuffling the New Orleans Voodoo Tarot, I thought back to the cards that I could remember from the last time that I used it. I haven't used this tarot in years. As I continued to shuffle, I repeated the name Gran Ibo (who is one spirit that I can remember and liked) in my head and consciously said to the pack 'If the lwa (spirits of Voodoo) would like to work with me, send Gran Ibo my way'. Intuitively, I picked a number and counted through the face-down pack until I got to it. And yes, it was Gran Ibo who I turned over as the 49th card. It would seem that Gran Ibo wants me to give this set another go.

When I think about tarot decks that have made a big impression on me over the years, this is probably one of the first that comes to mind, since it had started to work on me long before I even bought it. There is a great tarot store in central London, which I always used to find myself in on my way home from work. They held this deck there, and being intrigued by some of the online scans I had seen, I often glanced at it on the shelf, amongst the hundreds of other titles. Around that time, I had begun to ask questions about it on an online forum, and rather than put my mind at ease, I heard personal horror stories from previous owners of the pack. One in particular had said that his life had fallen to pieces very soon after beginning to use it and had it locked in storage, with no intention of ever opening the box again.

I'd like to say that these stories didn't affect me, but they did. As well as them giving me the willies, they also strengthened my curiosity. So much so, that I drew the exact amount of money out of my account and went into the shop to buy it. I must have dawdled about for at least fifteen minutes with the box in my hand, putting it back on the shelf time after time out of worry, and then grabbing it again in case someone else picked it up. Eventually, I made it to the cash desk and handed it over. The woman was having some trouble with the till and needed assistance from a colleague, which unfortunately was just the excuse I needed to waver. When she finally got it working and told me how much it was, I pretended that I didn't have enough money on me and left the shop without it. However, I was back in the same shop the next evening with it in my hands again, undecided. On that occasion, I parted with my cash. Buying it had seemed like a wonderful idea until I sat on the train and unravelled it's packaging. The New Orleans Voodoo Tarot has quite an eerie feel to it. It's not like most other decks I know. It doesn't pretend to be creepy or play-act at being dark. It is what it is.

Once I started to read about Voodoo (or Vodou), a lot of my worries began to slip away, since I realised that it's reputation is probably it's biggest threat. I began to learn about the different voodoo spirits used in the deck and paid my respects to them in different ways. I have not known so many readers of this pack, but the ones I have spoken to all view it in the same way. They respect it like they don't any other. After each reading, I would perform some kind of sacrifice to say thank you for whatever brought the cards to me. I might light some incense and say a prayer. I'd drop a few coins in a charity box. Or maybe I would go and water the plants in the garden. I just felt that I needed to give something back to the universe. I began to email with a Vodou priest in Haiti, who said that he thought that my intentions and actions towards the lwa were acceptable.

My boyfriend went home early this evening. The dreaded snow finally arrived, and even though it seems to have stopped now, at the time, it was coming down pretty hard and I was worried about him getting home safely if he left it too long. He doesn't have a very long journey, but once off of the motorway, he does have the smaller roads to deal with which could be potentially dangerous in this kind of weather. With nothing much else to do, I pulled out the New Orleans Voodoo Tarot.

Gran Ibo sits on a balcony. You can't really see her face, but you can see that she is talking to a canary. Around her are the many plants of the forest. This spirit always used to make me feel comfortable when I used this deck before, due to her connection with animals and nature. She is the wise old woman of the swamp and is a force that can be trusted. In the accompanying book, by Louis Martinie and Sallie Ann Glassman, we are told that she understands the language of all the life forms that surround her. For me, this makes the card very important as it links in to the psychic characteristics of the watery tarot suit she is part of. It is about communication without words. Like the 'High Priestess' in conventional tarot, this communication could be with the depths of the soul [or symbolic swamp, as shown here], as much as it might be about communication with another human being. This is a card of emotional connection. It is contact that is based on feeling. It is unspoken knowledge and trust, through love and care.

I guess that Gran Ibo takes us to a place where we begin to forget about ourselves, and lay our thoughts in another. As much as I wanted my boyfriend to stay longer this evening, I was more concerned about his drive home. With all of the charity work I am planning on investing time in soon, I am not surprised that Gran Ibo has connected with me as my card before bedtime.

Illustration from The New Orleans Voodoo Tarot by Sallie Ann Glassman

Looking to the Future

A different day, and a different deck. For this frosty Monday, I am using the Adrian Tarot by Adrian B. Koehi. A lot of people see it as a cold pack, which it can be, but for today's draw, these two cards burn into my blog.

I have owned this set twice. I can't actually remember what happened to the first one. I can only imagine that I traded it with someone on an online forum for something else, but I do remember that I had initially hunted for it for some time. Back then (I think it was published in 1997), computer-designed decks were few, unlike today. And I think that this was one of the first that I had seen. It felt modern and fresh, and at the time, I was desperate to get hold of it. I remember being out for a drink with my old housemate from university in Finchley. I had just purchased the pack and we went through each of the cards in the bar. I can not remember why my interest finally waned, but some years after letting it go, I saw a battered and open set in a bookshop in Oxford Street and begged the seller to let me take it off of their hands for a low price. I know that I got it for less than a tenner. That was my second and current copy. You never see it about anymore. I just checked on Amazon to see how much it is being sold for now, and they have it listed at just under £80, but the average price seems to be around £35 on international ebay sites, since it is now out of print.

There is a darkness to the Adrian Tarot. At times, it can be foggy, but on others, it shines like the blade of a sword. I think that because there are so many digitally designed decks out there right now and it has become something of the norm to push pixels, I like the rawness and originality of this particular one. It isn't particularly slick, but for it's time, it broke some rules, down to standing out like a sore thumb next to the usual overly-mystic and occult decks. Having said that, with non-scenic minors and rather static majors, it is probably more true to the design of early tarot decks than the majority of what else is on the market.

For today, I have drawn the 9 of Coins (sometimes known as Pentacles) and the 6 of Cups. I mentioned that the minor cards are not scenic, but this pack is unusually deceptive. The arrangement of the suit symbols, held together by white overlaid line drawings, tell a story of their own. For example, in the 6 of Cups, the lines create a star from the centre of the card. Stability is mimicked by the circle in the middle, which holds together just four of the six vessels. Together, they explain that security from our past has an influence on today. With the 9 of Coins beside it, I would guess that I can draw on some kind of achievement, comfort, or contact from a time gone by.

It is really cold today. When I awoke, I could see very small flakes of snow falling outside my window. Just a handful were blowing around, but as the day has gone on, they have disappeared; as has this morning's frost. I have a busier week than usual to plan for. I have my appointment with Pathways tomorrow, my interview at Age Concern on Wednesday, and my trial shift at the charity shop on Thursday afternoon. Because of my tiredness, I need to use today to get things ready for each - be that doing laundry or reading through my notes for tomorrow. I will follow that up with some drawing, since my own tarot designs have been neglected in the last few weeks. Could that be my return to the not so distant past? If not, the cards might just be dragging me into the present. I do have things to and must look to the future, rather than dwell on where I have been and the things that haven't worked out. This could be a relatively exciting week, if I just give in to my ego and try to enjoy it. It's one step nearer to where I want to be - which is back to being well and earning some cash.

Illustrations from The Adrian Tarot by Adrian B. Koehli

The Big Squeeze

I had an urge to use the Mystic Faerie Tarot today. It's one of those packs that I continue to come back to. This is partly down to the fact that it was a one-year anniversary present from my boyfriend. Using it makes me think of him, so therefore, it has a solid and stable vibe. The other reason I continue to return to it is down to my love for the delicate watercolours and the adventures to be had within them.

I just knew that the 3 of Cups would turn up today, so I smiled when it did. This is a card of friendship and social occasion. My boyfriend drove us over to a small village today to see my friend and her daughter, picking up another of our friends on the way. The five of us made our way into the village, where a large farmer's market was taking place and everyone was awaiting the turning on of the Christmas lights. We wanted to start off by getting something to eat, but every pub or restaurant we went into was packed out, since the market had drawn a lot of people. So instead, we chose to pick up something from one of the stalls, settling on burgers with onions. Looking for somewhere to sit, my friend Clare spotted the most bizaar venue. Next to a stall-holder who was selling tea and cakes was a miniature 1950s style caravan. It was tiny, but we were told it could squeeze all five of us into it. At 6'3', my boyfriend decided not to put the theory to the test, happily leaving the rest of us to squeeze inside with our burgers, cups of tea, and some lemon cake. I have to say that it was a unique experience. There was a table with seats on either side, dressed with patchwork cushions. Gingham and polka dot bunting hung around the ceiling, framing the small porthole windows. And behind us, little shelves were stacked with 195os tin robots. We must have been in there for nearly half an hour. Everyone who passed would look in, smile, or laugh. It was pretty damn cold outside, but was nice and cosy in the caravan, so I am not quite sure who the joke was on.

Once my friend's little girl had grown tired, we took her home to her grandfather, and the four of us went into the pub next door. There was hardly anyone in there and they were dressing it with Christmas decorations. In candlelight, as it got darker, it had a lovely atmosphere, and I could have sat there all evening. I like the big nights out, but think I prefer these kind of more relaxed ones, where you can just sit and chat. I can really see that time before we all dispersed in the 3 of Cups today. The Star looks at rest and a time of stillness. I needed today. I always have a good time with these friends and there is never any pressure. It kind of replenished me. Laughing is a good thing.

The Knave of Pentacles is Kate's 3 year old daughter, Isis. She can be quite shy, but when she gets used to you, she will talk for England. She has a beautiful and angelic little face, but there is nothing precocious or demanding about her. She just gets on with things and doesn't need a constant stream of attention. That is very much how I see this particular knave.

Illustrations from The Mystic Faerie Tarot by Linda Ravenscroft

Reassurance

Today has been quiet. It has been one of those days where I caught up on my messages, writing to a few old colleagues who I haven't spoken to in a while and chatting with another friend on MSN. Because we went out last night and are seeing my old friend and her daughter tomorrow, my boyfriend and I wanted to keep today free and minimal. It's been so cold that staying in my room was not a big problem.

Last night was nice. Once my boyfriend got here, we went round to Jo's, and after a couple of glasses of wine, took a taxi into town to meet some other friends. I had been excited about going out, and I think the others really needed it too. My boyfriend had had a frustrating day at work, and the girls all wanted to relax out of their problems as well. I tried out the new boots and they were very warm and comfortable. In fact, I actually thought that I looked quite nice. In recent times, I have felt pretty down about my appearance. I have been carrying a little more weight than I am used to and when I look in the mirror, I can see my face beginning to change with age. I only have just over a year before I am 40. But after a haircut and shave, I put on a shirt, tie, and cardigan, and felt pretty good about myself when it came to leaving the house. Beware of the serious face photograph that I have added to this post. You wouldn't think I was happy from the picture, would you?

The Queen of Wands sits in today's draw. This version is unfortunately quite pretty, with fiery auburn hair. I say 'unfortunately', because I am not this queen's biggest fan. I recently identified her as the court figure who represents Oddbod, my neighbour. She is a little too eager to please, I feel, and can turn nasty if she doesn't get her way. Her enthusiastic nature can quickly turn her into an interfering busy-body.

I think that the 2 of Swords and the 9 of Wands are connected. The woman in the 9 of Wands reassures her friend, and a problem is eventually halved in the next card. Two of my friends overdid it last night and were ill from drinking. I took one to get her lift and the other to her house. Both were a little worried about their behaviour last night, as had suffered memory loss, but I reassured them that they were both fine when we spoke on the phone this morning. Rather than thinking of the Queen of Wands as a symbol of Oddbod, I would say that her caring and generous nature is wrapped up in making these two friends feel better.

The expectant snow has just been mentioned on the 10 o'clock News. Apparently, it has already hushed what would usually be busy Saturday-shopping streets up north, and it is meant to be making it's way down here. Even though it is said to be tonight that it comes, there is no sign of it yet. I really hope that it doesn't snow tonight, since I am looking forward to seeing my friend tomorrow, before she goes back to London.

Illustrations from The Tarot Art Nouveau by Antonella Castelli

Striking While the Iron is Hot

When I awoke this morning, I received a text message from my boyfriend, telling me how cold it is outside. I hate the cold. Just like I hate the snow. I actually get tetchy thinking about it, since I can not stand the extremes of either Winter or Summer. In my first year at university, I lived in student halls of residence. Seven of us lived in one flat. We had one very large communal kitchen diner, and each of us had our own room, with en-suite. I loved my room. It was small, but cosy. When I wasn't up for company, I could disappear in there with a large bottle of juice and a packet of cigarettes, and nobody would even know I was home. Since I had my own private bathroom, I never needed to leave. If the others had come home from a night out and were a bit raucous, I could hide away and not be discovered. But in the Winter, leaving the hot shower room in the morning and stepping into my cold bedroom was just horrible. I would stand inside the shower in my towel, inching the door open slowly, trying to adjust to the temperature. With each inch, the icy cold would bite into me. Every morning I dreaded that experience.

Thinking back, I really enjoyed that year. I had been a little apprehensive about moving into halls, but I could never have anticipated how well the seven of us would get along. Even though all quite different, we hardly ever squabbled and spent a lot of time together - in and out of the flat. We had many visitors, since the majority of people we knew or met at university were not as happy with the people they had been given to live with. We were like a family. Generally, it was a good year for me. I had a brilliant time socially, and my grades were as good as they could be. Things only started to take a tumble afterwards.

The first thing that I notice about today's cards is the wash of icy blue that runs through them. Quite apt, I think. It begins in the hair of the angel of Judgement, follows through to the clothing and moonlit landscape of the Ace of Chalices, and concludes in the unravelling of the woman's bed sheet in the 9 of Swords. Things seem to grow darker and slightly more chilling in the last act. The woman in the central card has given her emotions freely, as symbolised by her pouring from the jug, but in the final card, she appears alone. The fact that she is undressed suggests to me that she is emotionally vulnerable and is distressed in some way. The skull behind her might be the final curtain.

With her hand to her face, the angel in the Judgement card looks down at the scenario. What is she thinking? Is she concerned, or is she saying 'I told you so'. I don't like receiving this card, because like most people, I don't enjoy being judged. This angel has a particular aloofness about her, but I guess that she could just be assessing the situation quietly. Judgement (or Il Giudizio in the Tarot Art Nouveau) is very much about assessment. It concerns reaching a point where we wake up, smell the coffee, and decide whether we want to carry on with something or not, after evaluating what we have learned. Everything hangs on this card. I think that this has something to do with my friend and a relationship. It carries on from yesterday, and after speaking to her this morning, it would make sense.

The Welly War was won this morning. I found a pair of black ones, so am now prepared for the snow. I also came across a pair of suede ankle boots, lined with fur, so my parents treated me to both pairs. I am going out for a few drinks this evening, so should be nice and warm. My friend, who's cousin died last week, wants to get out of the house for a bit, so hopefully my boyfriend and I will be able to cheer her up a little.

Sometimes, I think that the energy of the cards can be predictive in that they are sometimes a day early. I have often felt that, noticing that a daily draw often has more relevance for the day afterwards. Even though I think that yesterday's draw has meaning for my friend, I initially predicted that it could involve a choice for me. The Fool adds spontaneity to my life and the Knave of Pentacles could suggest a new physical project or something to do with work. On my way back from town, my father pointed out a sign in the window of a charity shop. He had mentioned it to me yesterday, saying that they were looking for voluntary staff. In the spirit of The Fool, I struck while the iron was hot and went inside and enquired. I saw the woman in charge of recruitment and I am going in to do a four hour trial shift next Thursday afternoon.

Illustrations from The Tarot Art Nouveau by Antonella Castelli

The Bare Essentials

Winter is here. It's official. There was a real bite in the air today, and as I left my boyfriend's early this morning, small flakes of snow began to settle on the windscreen as we got into the car. It has held off for the rest of the day, but we are expected to get snow either this evening or tomorrow.

I don't like the snow. Yes, I agree that it looks nice to begin with, but that particular novelty wears off pretty quickly for me, once every mode of transport has gone out of service and I have slipped over on my backside more than a handful of times. A couple of years ago, my parents were away on holiday during January and I became snowed in alone. My friend wanted to come and see me (since she was by herself too), but the roads were too bad to drive on. I ended up making a solo expedition to the off-licence on foot, picking up twenty cigarettes, and stayed in my room for days. It got to the point where I realised that I hadn't seen another person for about a week. I am quite happy in my own company, but there was an eeriness to that particular deathly white silence, both in and out of the house. No cars. No buses. Nobody. I had been expecting to go on a first date with a guy around that time, but the weather eventually put a stop to that. I remember counting down the days and hours, hoping that the snow would disappear and that the trains would start running again, but they did not.

Last year, the weather prevented many people from going into work. My boyfriend had a few days off as the trains to London were erratic and there was no way of him being able to make the fifteen minute car journey to and from the station at his end. We ended up not seeing each other for a few days, until the snow and ice had cleared up a little. I hope that this doesn't happen again. We have things planned for December, including a trip up North for his best friend's 40th birthday, and it would be awful if the weather ruined our plans. I asked my parents if they could look out for some Wellingtons while they were out today, but they couldn't find any that ticked all of my boxes. I want them to be black, and any black ones that they saw were not in my size. I need to get some soon, because if I do have to go out in any snow, the footwear I have now will just not cut the conditions. As I sit here, my feet are freezing.

Today's cards leave me a little confused, since I do not get where they sit in my day or what message they are trying to get through. In the centre sits The Lover again. When this card appears, it might be connected to relationships, but it could equally concern a decision. The Fool (Il Matto) jumps away from it. My first thought, when drawing this trio, was that I might want to avoid a big choice for the time being. With the Knave of Pentacles (Fante di Denari) on the end, this might have something to do with a new project or a young, academic person. With the energy of the chaotic fool on board, I might be advised to not make any important decisions today.

I have never seen a Knave (or page) of Pentacles quite like this one. He strikes me as being very effeminate. He might be holding an elaborate coin between his fingers, but when I look at the card, I see a compact mirror. He seems to be fanning himself with it, as he sits amongst luxurious surroundings and fancy drapes. Pentacles are concerned with all areas of our physical life, so they might symbolise taking care of our body and heath, as much as they concern money and luxury. This guy has obviously invested some time in his muscles. And boy, does he know it. Just look at the snotty look he's giving that couple of lovers. These cards could have something to do with a friend and her relationship.

After fighting the cold once already, my friend and I popped out for a very short walk in the afternoon. She had come round for a coffee, and in between our chats, we went to look at the overlocker that I am getting for Christmas. I wanted to check it and the price again. It was a nice afternoon and made a change. I haven't really had to make any big decisions today, but I did book an appointment for a medical next month. To claim employment allowance, I am required to visit with a medical centre for an interview. This worries me a little, because describing how I feel when there is little physical evidence to draw on, might be difficult. Having said that, I am hoping that I might soon be able to pop my head out from under my chronic fatigue and feel better. I don't enjoy feeling this way and am desperate to get back to some kind of normality. If my claim is closed down for any reason, I hope that they are as thorough with everyone else. After being given a flat and hundreds of pounds of benefit to kit it out with, my boyfriend's Facebook friend invested in a new sofa and Sky Plus today, I am told. I don't want any of that. I am only asking for the bare essentials to support me until I feel better.

Illustrations from The Tarot Art Nouveau by Antonella Caselli

Bull in a China Shop

Today's cards read like pictures in a story book. The first, the 2 of Swords, shows two maidens. One holds the other's arm and rests her chin on her head. This is a card of harmony and tenderness. If there has been any problems between the two, they have put them to one side for the moment. However, unbeknown to the two women, things are soon to change, as the Cavaliere de Spade (or Knight of Swords) races towards them with weapon in hand. He brings change at rapid speed and is not sensitive in his arrival.

So what is left? In the third card, the 3 of Swords, one woman places her hand on the shoulder of another reassuringly. The blonde is confused and the earlier tenderness of a situation has now become murky. The balance in the first card has been interrupted and sliced up by the Knight of Swords. As a trio of cards from the sword suit, today's reading is one of trial.

Today's cards could relate to a few incidences, and in each, I see the opinionated Knight of Swords as my father. In terms of age, my dad should really be a king, but this comparison is more to do with behaviour. Every so often, he likes a rant. You can usually tell when he is about to go off on one, as he goes quiet and gets a bit jittery. When he finally does, he's like an over wound clock, which doesn't stop until it is out of juice. He never listens. He just throws out his opinions insensitively. At worst, the Knight of Swords is like this; one big, gobby, bull in a china shop.

There's usually a reason for my father's mood. It might be that he hasn't slept well the night before or isn't feeling 100%. It could be that his football team has lost or he might be frustrated by having to spend too much time inside. Even though he says it has nothing to do with it, I wonder if it is down to the fact that our estate agent called this morning about last night's viewing. The lady came at 5, as planned, and seemed pretty impressed with the property. She was friendly and told us that she works at the grammar school across the road as a French teacher. The agent said that she likes our house the most from the ones she has seen, but is undecided about whether she wants to live this close to her place of work. You can bet your bottom dollar that if we had lived two miles away from here, she'd have said that she would want to live nearer to the school. All the same, we are playing the waiting game again, and this is possibly what has wound my father up and caused him to be picky and argumentative with me. Amongst this morning's storm cloud, our relationship has become foggy, and it has had a knock-on effect elsewhere. I am hoping that my own opinions have not appeared insensitive with someone else.

One of the places that I applied to for a voluntary job called me this morning. The work revolves around helping the elderly. I have told them that I will go in and see them for a chat next week. From what she has said, it sounds as though the kind of work I wanted to do with them is no longer available, but we can discuss what other opportunities they have when I see her. Out of the three companies I applied to, this is the only one that is not advertising a creative post and is the one I am least interested in. I will have to see what they say. As well as this, I sent my work off to the fashion agent too.

After speaking about the Tarot Art Nouveau yesterday, I was looking forward to using it today. It is really refreshing to work away from the set Rider Waite meanings; especially when a deck does not demand them. These cards become far stronger when they are allowed to breathe and flow in the direction that they wish. With that in mind, their mood also taps into another situation. After the last student demonstration about high tuition fees turned nasty in London, another peaceful protest has turned ugly. I have just been watching it live on the news, where those who are not interested in a peaceful protest were shown trying to overturn a police van. Even though it seems as though the police have more control than they did over the 50,000 people who attended the last rampage a couple of weeks ago, they are still not ruling out trouble for the rest of the afternoon. It reminds me of today's cards. The Knight of Swords could be described as irascible, like many of the more passionate students and those who are geared up for trouble alone. As the 3 of Swords suggests, it will probably end in tears.

Illustration from The Tarot Art Nouveau by Antonella Castelli

Slipping Under the Net

For today, I have dragged out the Art Nouveau Tarot by Antonella Castelli. Some years ago, I bought her Lenormand oracle, and while in the shop, paired it with the grand and over sized trumps of this deck at the cash desk. On realising how attractive the cards were, I quickly ordered the deluxe 78 card version online. In this case, deluxe meant no more than it came with a drawstring bag.

Over the years, this deck has had a bad wrap. If you believe what you are told, it might as well be renamed the Tarot Bimbo, since most people seem to salivate over it's beauty, but then claim it unreadable, announcing that it has little to say. I think that this has more to do with the fact that it strays from the path of Rider Waite tradition. For those who don't know too much about the cards, you could call the Rider Waite the most widespread and popular dialect in tarot. Clone-decks (as they are called) of the Rider Waite pack are numerous and all offer their own slightly different take on the same set of scenic images. The Art Nouveau has similarities, but pretty much carves out it's own path. However, it is not unreadable or simply an art deck. Suggesting this, is like finding a copy of Yvain Ou le Chevalier Au Lion by Chretien de Troyles and suggesting that there it has nothing of interest in it, just because you don't speak French.

The thing about pictures is that they transcend all language barriers. How many times have we been told that a picture can tell a thousand words? Some readers might find these images too similar to one another, but there is emotion and things to be found in every glance and posture, if you are eager enough to look. For example. the woman in the centre of today's reading holds up some grapes and gives them her full attention. Nothing else around her seems to matter, including the Emperor (or L'Imperatore) behind her. He stands back, strong and confident. In this run of cards, the grapes in the 7 of Wands symbolise the fruits of success and achievement, while the Emperor is all about industry and authority.

Amongst working on my friend's website this morning, I have also been emailing with an agent. It would seem that she has contacted me from out of nowhere, since I do not remember her, and has asked if I am interested in permanent work. I see her professional interest in the glance of the Emperor. Of course, I have not mentioned my chronic fatigue to her. From looking at my online profile on a professional networking site, she believes that I am currently freelancing. But the proof is in the pudding (or the grapes, in this case), since it is my online work and credentials which have brought her to me. The last card, The Lover (or Gli Amanti) speaks of choice. Do I continue down this road with the agent or do I thank her very much and tell her that I am not interested at this time? The Lover does unite people, and this need not always be in the realms of love and emotion. In this trio, it could simply seal a partnership if I choose to continue contact.

With all of this in mind, I have decided to get the hard copy of my portfolio scanned and online. This is something which I have meant to do for some time, but rather than doing it this way, I thought I would create new designs. Something which I have become apathetic about. With the possibility of interest, I am going to spend the afternoon scanning it, so that it is available for her to see. I really don't know if I am well enough to take on a permanent job just yet, but I am going to continue with the conversations. I am not a lover of agents and put little trust in them, but I still think it is worth it. After thinking about how long it had been since I applied for the voluntary work yesterday, I also wrote to the woman at the bureau. She agreed that it was taking it's time and said she would get her assistant to chase the companies. Maybe something will come from either that or the fashion agent.

Before getting to work on the portfolio-scanning, I need to get my room ship-shape. Surprisingly, we have a viewing this afternoon. My parents have already confirmed that they will be taking the house off of the market until the new year but are still in contract. We haven't had anyone in to see the property in a while, so with fingers crossed, you never know if these viewers might just be interested enough to slip under the net.

Illustrations from The Tarot Art Nouveau by Antonella Castelli

Climbing Over Barriers

The thing that I like about using most oracle decks is that you can go in which ever way you fancy with their cards. When you are open to so many possibilities, a reading can fly in a million different directions. Take today's card from The Answer Deck as an example. I have had this pack for years but have rarely used it. I think that it's small size has something to do with that, as I wish it had been printed in a larger format. The Barrier card shows a man in what looks like a box. He is hemmed in to a small white space and seems to be trying to get out. His barrier is that large black border around him, which doesn't look close to disappearing any time soon.

A barrier is something which limits us and provides an obstacle. My friend was meant to come over this morning with her daughter, but she cancelled early on, saying that her little girl had an earache and sore throat. Could a cancellation like this be seen as an obstacle? I guess so. But as much as it would have been nice to have seen them, their not coming did not affect my day greatly, so I doubt that this is what the card is hinting at. It might have predicted that the woman from Pathways would call and ask to re-schedule this week's appointment, due to her brother being unwell, but I think that the card has a deeper relevance than either of these two small hiccups.

One of my biggest barriers is apathy. There are things that I could be doing, but am yet to get round to. In particular, I am aware that I have reached yet another rut in the designing of my tarot deck. I have been slowly working on just one card for over a week and really need to press on with it. Today's card reflects that, because a lack of motivation can often be my strongest opposition. I am the kind of person who works in fits and starts.

I am still waiting on the voluntary work to get sorted. I have not heard from any of the places I was referred to yet. In a different way, this could be seen as a barrier too, since I have come to a point where I can not move forward until they contact me. The lady at the bureau told me that it often takes that bit longer when you wish to work with people, so I am guessing that that is the obstacle which needs to be overcome. These things just take time. While I wait, I will use this card as a kick up the backside and will endeavour to climb over the other barriers which have been set by myself alone, such as creating my tarot deck.

Illustration from The Answer Deck by Nicky Zann

Take Good Care of Yourself

Today's card is about nurturing. This could be nothing short of looking after yourself. The angel in this card pets what looks like a mouse. When we look after our mind and body, our mind and body will then take care of us.

My boyfriend and I went to a friend's house for dinner yesterday. As well as her husband and two kids, another close friend joined us with her daughter. My friend could be viewed in the same way as this angel, since she has always endeavoured to care for her mates and is a great hostess. She is at her happiest when she is entertaining and amongst those that she loves. She cooked us some lovely food yesterday and for the rest of the day, we sat in her kitchen and chatted over a couple of bottles of wine.

I have been friends with these two women for twenty or so years. Each of us have moved away at one point, leaving the other two behind, but have now all returned to the place where we met. I like where our friendship is now. I know that I can call on either of them if needed, but almost more importantly than that, we share laughter on a regular basis. Laughter and enjoying the company of others can be nurturing in itself.

Laying here in bed with my sleeping boyfriend, there is an icy breeze breathing through my slightly open window. Rather than being cold, it feels refreshing. I started a digital food diary a couple of days ago, logging everything that I eat and drink. Part of this is to do with my IBS, as there is always a hope that I might detect an irritant in my diet, but I also want to shed the extra weight that I have put on in the last year. By most people's standards, I haven't gained much, but I can notice it in my face and body. As we get older, we realise that we can't do all of the things that we used to - we can't just eat whatever we want, drink too much, or have the odd sneaky evening of smoking without regretting it. Today's card is a reminder of this and I hope the diary will make me more aware of the things I am putting inside me. My boyfriend has also gained a few stone since we got together. We have already decided to pack in the unhealthy food, cigarettes, and binge drinking in the new year.

Illustration from The Angel Insight Oracle by Rene Milot

Sailing Free

I really like this illustration. The angel sits beside the stream and watches as a toy boat, made of two leaves, passes. She doesn't try to grab it or hinder it's movement. She simply lets it continue to sail on. She represents fluidity and freedom. Or you might say that she goes with the flow, rather than allowing herself to become stuck at the cost of doubt or worry. She is the kind of person I want to be, rather than the person I am.

I got up early this morning and sorted out a few things. I went to see the doctor last night. She isn't the one that I usually see, but understood how I am feeling all the same and signed me off of working until the new year. I needed to get the certificate off to the employment support people as quickly as possible, before my last one expires. After doing that, I helped out with some of the cleaning and then set up the sewing machine downstairs. I made two more large covers for pillows in my room. Rather than fuss too much about how I was going to do them, I just got on with it. That's the Angel of Fluidity in action, I suspect. After changing my bedding and setting the pillows amongst the cushions on their new home, I had developed a bit of a muzzy head. I slept it off until my boyfriend's text message awoke me.

Despite the headache, I feel good today. I think that it has something to do with making stuff. Rather than thinking about doing so, and then worrying about the pitfalls, I am having a go. I think that that is the essence of today's card. It is about not allowing yourself to become stuck in negative thoughts and giving yourself the option to sail forward freely.

With my parents out this evening, my boyfriend and I ate together and relaxed in my room. We are going out tomorrow, so didn't want to push the boundaries tonight. Despite that, I needed a night of doing nothing and took a few tablets for my headache. My friend Kate called for a chat and we whiled away an hour or so on the phone. We have a similar sense of humour, so most of that was spent laughing. We organised getting together next weekend where her parents live and penciled in a date for a drink in South London in December. After travelling the world for so long, it is really nice to have her back here, as I really enjoy her friendship.

Illustration from The Angel Insight Oracle by Rene Milot

So What!

Yesterday, I read a quote by the author, Regina Brett, which was posted by a friend on Facebook. It said "If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back". It got me thinking.

A friend of mine called last night. She was upset and wanted to talk. Her mum had just called to tell her that her cousin, who she was very close to, had been killed in a car accident in Australia. My friend was obviously in shock. Thinking about both this and Brett's quote when I awoke this morning, a light bulb went off in my head. You might say that I had an early morning visit from the 'angel' of insight, since I began to ask myself what I have to worry about, when such terrible things happen to other people.

This angel dwells within the suit of Archangel Michael and protection. She holds what looks like a sphere of light in her hands and represents clear vision. As I lay in bed at my boyfriend's, my worries seemed so insignificant in comparison to the pain that my friend and her family must be going through. So what if I am not doing as well in my career as everyone else! So what if I am still living at home with my parents! Are these things really worth the amount of worry that I invest in them? Everything is relative, I know, but as yesterday's card so aptly pointed out, now is a time to release myself from those things which are holding me back. As my friend pointed out, life is short at best. Why waste it in a constant stream of worry and doubt?

With this in mind, I have decided that I will put my energy into new things. I am still designing my own tarot deck slowly, but as well as striving to get a new job, I have also vowed to start learning more skills. After my recent spell on the sewing machine, I have told my parents and my boyfriend that I would like an overlocker for Christmas. It is something I have wanted since university but have never been able to afford. But I did see a reasonably priced one when I went for a walk with my mate on Monday. I would like to practice my sewing more but I have always been held back by not being able to finish my work nicely. Not having an overlocker has always been my excuse for not making things. If I get one, I can practice slowly. I am not at university anymore, so I won't be penalised for being a centimetre out or have the competition of twenty-odd other wannabes to contend with. I will be able to learn (and hopefully enjoy) making stuff at my own pace.

Insight can be a wonderful thing. It cuts to the root and helps us see into situations more clearly. Yeah, I've got chronic fatigue, my pain-in-the-arse IBS, and no job, but if they were thrown into a pile, I wouldn't swap any of those for the hell that my friend's aunt and uncle are going through right now.

Illustration from The Angel Insight Oracle by Rene Milot

Killing the Caterpiller

I am not a fan of angels to be honest. Or at least, if they exist, I don't believe it is in the way I see them depicted in books and many card decks these days. If they have a place in our world, the best description I have heard of them is in the book 'The Way', by kabbalist Michael Berg. In short, he believes that angels are born of our actions. When we act out of selfishness, greed, or without consideration, we bring darkness into the world. Call that darkness dark angels, if you like. When we think of other people before our self and care for those around us, we give birth to angels of light.

I bought this deck a good while ago. Way over a year. You can't tell it from the scan, but it has silver woven into it's printing, which glistens in the light. I bought it because I liked the words on each card, rather than having an interest in the images. I thought that the titles had relevance and would be useful in readings. My friend worked in the shop where I purchased the set and gave me some discount, which is another of the reasons why I chose to buy it.

The cards in this deck are grouped into four suits. Each is headed by an archangel and deals with a specific quality. Today's card, Transformation, is ruled by Archangel Raphael, who concentrates on healing. The angel holds a butterfly in his open hands, representing change. If it was not for the death of the caterpillar, there would be no chance of birth for the butterfly.

This made me think. In recent times, I have been suppressing change out of fear. Especially within my career. Due to a fear of wasting my education and experience, I have held on to what I consider to be my industry by the skin of my teeth. I can see now, as I look at the card, that doing this is actually hindering me more than it is helping. I am stuck and am not moving forward. How can a butterfly ever take flight if we don't kill the caterpillar first?

It might sound silly, but when I drew this card, the first thing that I thought about was yesterday's cushion covers. I looked at them again this morning. I managed to do them neatly and am pleased by how they look. I am not a confident sewer, and even though this is an extremely simple task, it's results have encouraged me to try more. This is one example of where I think transformation is taking shape. It is also about being allowed to grow within my own personal design work, the website I am creating for my friend, and the voluntary work I have applied for. Maybe these things are the metaphorical butterflies, or possibly angels of light, which are trying to fly from the corpse of something that died a good time ago.

Today is dark, rainy, and cold. I worked on my friend's site for some time this morning. I got a few lovely messages from her last night. The first reminded me of how much she appreciates what I am doing. The last told me that she'd sort me out when she makes some money from selling her work. I know how much she appreciates the time I am putting in, which is kind of why I don't mind doing it. I admit that it has become more time consuming than I thought it would be, so even though I am not expecting anything, I wouldn't knock being sorted out if she makes a profit from all that I have done.

As with every Wednesday, I am getting my stuff together to go to my boyfriend's house. His family are out this evening, so we are being left to fend for ourselves. Even though my boyfriend is a very good cook, since I am meeting him from his commute to London, this will mean a takeaway. I have been controlling my eating habits pretty well over the last week, so I will be going for the less fattening option and smaller portion this evening.

Illustration from The Angel Insight Oracle by Rene Milot

Finding My Feet

The 5 of Pentacles falls into today's draw. This particular version shows a faerie in a state of physical loss. Following the traditional symbolism of this tarot key, the card depicts a difficult time. This could indicate a loss of money, property, work, or a time of ill health. I can definitely relate to the overwhelming aspects of it's personality. However, in today's draw, the card is reversed, meaning that it's energy is changing for the better.

My friend came around this morning. We sometimes meet for breakfast on a Tuesday, but being a little low on cash of late, I asked her if she wanted to come here instead. Aside from a recent social occasion when my parents were away, she doesn't come here that often these days, so I thought it would make a nice change. For months, she has been wanting me to do something with some fabric she had bought, so it seemed to be the perfect excuse to do that. I had originally made a pattern and toil for a skirt, but she said that at this moment, she'd prefer some new cushion covers. The fabric that she had chosen has a casino feel to it, which is in keeping with the retro style of her home. I started with just one, basing it on a cushion cover in our living room, and once that I knew it was right, I made a further two. She was really pleased with the results, and since I also thought they looked quite good, I decided to replace the three cushion covers in my room too. They were looking tatty and faded, so while out with my mum, I bought a metre of gold fabric and made three more. Even though I had got the hang of it by that point, it still took some time. I wanted the insides to look neat too.


After I had cleared away my sewing stuff, I received some emails from another friend. They contained pictures of the stock she wants on the website I am creating for her, so I spent most of this evening doing that. They needed cleaning up on Photoshop before I could add them to the site. Even though I am still feeling about in the dark as I create her website, it is coming along - slowly but surely.

After a few bad days of chronic fatigue, I have been tired lately, but the reversing of the 5 of Pentacles gives me hope. I know that I am ready for a good night's sleep soon, but I am pleased to have accomplished what I have today. There is something nice about helping others, but also, there's a feeling of worth that I have been missing for some time. The faerie in the card doesn't fall apart. She picks herself up and tries. I think that this is the main message in today's cards, because it inspires me to continue tomorrow. With the 8 of Cups being reversed as well, the duo suggest that I am not ready to take too big of a step just yet, but they do hint that I might be finally finding my feet.

Illustration from The Mystic Faerie Tarot by Linda Ravenscroft

The Wings of Mystery

The last couple of days have been quiet. After my boyfriend drifted off to sleep on Saturday evening, I laid in bed and watched a really nice film called Water Lillies. It is a French coming-of-age movie about two teenagers, of which one is an inspiring synchronised swimmer. One of the girls develops a crush on the other. I love many of the French films I have seen. The most memorable being Amelie. I like the slower pace and simple consideration of each frame, as if it were a photo. You don't get that in a lot of the mainstream films and Hollywood block-busters. But then, I guess I have never really been into the mainstream.

My boyfriend and I had dinner at his parent's house yesterday. His sister, her husband, and three children came too. As did his brother, sister-in-law, and their two little girls. One of which, is not a year old yet. It is always so nice to see them because they are all such characters and are easy to get along with. But after Sunday lunch, my boyfriend and I eventually took ourselves up to his room to escape the screams and shouts of the kids. I am having Christmas dinner with his family this year. As he put it, this was the dry run.


The point of gathering everyone together yesterday was to bury the family dog's ashes. Lenny was finally laid to rest in an ornate pot in the garden, with a decorative tile beneath, setting it aside from the other bushes and flowers. My boyfriend's parents planted a large plant with him, which changes colour throughout the year. Even though it was raining, the family gathered together outside in their hoods, to say goodbye.

Coming home this morning was an ordeal. It has turned so cold lately. When I got to where I pick up my connection, I found out that only one train was operating on the line. It had just left the station and was expected back in just under an hour. With one minuscule and unheated waiting room for a platform of people, I eventually called my parents and they came to pick me up. I found a cafe while I waited, which was far better than spending the original hour amongst the morning frost. A waste of a ticket though.

Today's cards are from The Mystic Faerie Tarot. My boyfriend bought me these cards, so they have a warm and special feeling about them. I have drawn The Moon and the Ace of Pentacles. Both cards were pulled upright.

I like the Ace of Pentacles. For me, it is a card of physical opportunity. It could be an extra couple of quid, a boost to your health, or the chance to earn some money. It once turned up on a day when I received a tax rebate. The Moon, on the other hand, can be a card of deception. This moon goddess naturally covers up that which we see with her wings. Under her light, we are not seeing things as they actually are. I would guess that her wings of mystery are magically being drawn over the Ace of Pentacles.

I am not entirely sure where these cards place themselves in my day. On a deeper level, I can only imagine that they acknowledge my feelings of low self-worth. Sometimes, we only see what we want to. Familiar objects look different in the light of the moon and confuse us, so possibly, these cards highlight my not using valid skills, due to recent disappointments and a lack of self-belief. As I wait for the interviews for voluntary work to take off, my job search has come to a grinding halt. Is this duo telling me telling me that I am missing out on something while I wait?

Illustrations from The Mystic Faerie Tarot by Linda Ravenscroft

Dad-Dancing

Last night was good. I went round to my friend's house and we had a couple of bottles of wine in the garden before going out. Her sister, whose company I really enjoy, came too. We went into town and met my boyfriend and a couple of other good mates in the pub. Around midnight, my boyfriend and the majority of the girls started to fade. It was only one of my other mates and I who felt like taking the night on further, so when everyone else left, she and I went to a late pub and then an all-night bar.

The 5 of Swords is about defeat. I am quite sure that this card symbolises my being squashed beneath a big night out. In all fairness, I don't have very many of those these days, so I don't feel too bad about it. But with my chronic fatigue, nights like yesterday's do leave me defeated and feeling drained. Because my boyfriend had taken my key home with him, I had to call him up to get in. Looking at his phone this afternoon confirmed that I got back at 6:15am. I have felt weak and dazed all day.

The Hierophant waggles his finger at me and says 'I told you so!'. He doesn't approve of those who don't conform and get home after the clock chimes twelve. And I don't think he would have thought much of my dancing either. It's funny how things seem to change overnight. I remember being approached by a panel of three people in a club where I used to dance on a stage when I was about 20. They wanted me to be in a television advert. Last night, my friend and I were stumbling about to Like A Virgin, not unlike a couple of drunken geriatrics. How can you go from being asked to dance on tv to having the market cornered in 'dad dancing'? Time can play some cruel tricks.

Illustrations from The Hanson-Roberts Tarot by Mary Hanson-Roberts

Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

This is the second time that The World has turned up this week. On Tuesday, it provided a door to exit through - a space to finalise something and move on triumphantly. It did do this, as I tried to say goodbye to the blame and guilt I have felt for not sticking with my last job. However, in today's draw, the card is reversed. You might look at this as having a door closed before you have had a chance to step through it. The 3 of Pentacles tells me that this has something to do with work.

In actual fact, it is me who closed this door suddenly and has sent the woman in the card tumbling into the milky-white abyss at it's centre. I had my second appointment with Pathways set up for today and I just didn't feel up to it. Especially after the last one. It is cold and rainy outside and I have been quite tired, so I called and asked if I could put the appointment back. The woman appeared to understand and we rescheduled. I guess that this kind of thing happens a lot in her line of work, since the majority of her clients are unwell or have difficulties of some kind. I think that I may have felt more inclined to go if she had not suggested the ridiculous jobs in Essex already or had bothered to respond to my emails. We have set a new date for two weeks time. I think that today's cards put things on hold. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I feel a little guilty for not going. It's almost like I am bunking off from school. Especially since I am going out this evening to meet friends. When I was a kid, I was never allowed to play out in the evening if I hadn't been to school in the day; regardless of whether I had made a full recovery, the other kids came knocking, or how much I whined. Even at this age, I feel slightly naughty for going out to play with my mates after knocking back the appointment.

I am going to see my friend Jo this evening. The school teacher. I haven't had a Friday night out in town for some time, so I have been looking forward to it. Even though I have no problem with my own company, I like to get a change of scenery once in a while. For the last two of three weekends, I have been at friend's houses, so it should be nice to indulge in the somewhat different buzz of town, as everyone charges up for their weekend. Another friend is joining us and my boyfriend will come and meet the three of us later.

Today's cards feel like a post-it note pasted to the bottom of my computer. A bit like a 'gone to lunch' notice on a locked shop door. They hold all of the possibility for work and success. Just not for today.

Illustrations from The Hanson-Roberts Tarot by Mary Hanson-Roberts

Barefoot in the Park

Despite the general cheeriness of the Hanson Roberts Tarot, it still has an extremely gloomy 10 of Swords. Far gloomier than the versions from a lot of other decks. A woman lays face down, with ten swords stabbed in her back. I'd say that there is little chance of her getting up. Above her are brooding dark clouds and a branch that looks like the spindly and skeletal arm of her perpetrator. It is obviously not a great card, since it speaks of a difficult time or ending. But this 10 of Swords is reversed. It suggests that it's difficulties are soon to pass, which really does bring relief to my day.

I received the form that I had been expecting this morning. It took three days to get here, but I filled it out within fifteen minutes and walked it over to the postbox. In fact, I found it a little too easy to fill in, since none of the questions were specific to my chronic fatigue. I can see well, hear properly, have no problems with controlling my bowel movements, and meet with people easily, so if you flipped through my completed form, you'd believe that there is nothing wrong with me. Which I am guessing is part of it's job. My dad read my mind and told me that my claim would probably not be acknowledged, which started an argument. I tried to remove myself from his rant and took myself off to find an envelope.

I did write down what is wrong with me in the questionnaire and how it affects my doing things at it's worst. I want to recover from this, but I admit that stress doesn't help. My boyfriend knows someone who claims incapacity benefit. The guy was bragging about how he had spent a couple of hundred pounds on kitting out a flat he'd been given by the benefit agency and was going to spend a ridiculous amount on an appliance. I don't want to be lumped into a group with people like that. This is a short period of my life where I need support until I am able to support myself. It's not a lifestyle choice and is definitely not something I am proud of.

When I began reading the tarot, one of the first associations I learnt for The Fool was of new beginnings. It is not a correspondence that I use regularly, but today, next to the reversed 10 of Swords, it represents the rising sun after a dark night. I am not sure how this card lightens and ends the difficult period that I have been going through, but there is some optimism in this draw. It either signifies my feeling better soon or a new opportunity to take advantage of.

It was cold and rainy on my journey back here this morning. I wrapped up in a warm coat and sank into my scarf and knitted cap, as I dozed on my stationary train home. Even though I wasn't looking forward to the same hill of doom that I confront each week, I gave it my best shot and didn't falter at any point this time. However, by the time I had gotten home and had become exposed to both my dad's rant and chat of how the benefit system in this country will soon change via a radio show phone-in, I started to feel tired and anxious.

Isn't it funny how one little thing can turn your entire mood around? Something small. While I was sitting in my room, my dad called out to tell me that an old film was on - Barefoot in the Park. I think he was kind of trying to repair our small squabble by telling me. I remember watching this film many, many years ago. I had a thing about Robert Redford then and have seen nearly all of his movies. I find his acting a little predictable these days, but Barefoot in the Park was always one of my favourites. He and Jane Fonda are great, but the woman who plays her mother is fantastic. After feeling gloomy, I found myself laying here, laughing out loud at the comedy.

I hate the way that things have moved forward technologically. I hate how the whole world, including me, is strapped to their internet and mobile phones. I hate that we can't watch a simple television show without voting some poor bastard off every week. And I despair at the fact that the majority of young people want to be famous, just for the sake of fame. It was great to take a trip back to a time which seems so much less complicated than now. Where the art of living and enjoying yourself could be simply expressed by doing something like going barefoot in the park. Sadly, it's only when you tot up the years that you realise just how many miles away 1967 is.

Illustrations from The Hanson-Roberts Tarot by Mary Hanson-Roberts

Getting the Message Loud and Clear

Armed with a coffee, I was flipping through different pages on the internet this morning. On one, there was an advertisement for a new and talked about men's underwear label. I can't remember the name of it now, but seeing it took me back to my last full time job, just over a year ago. After a long interview process, I had been picked for a men's underwear design position in London. The job had a good salary and everyone around me was as pleased as punch that I had finally landed work.

Even though I had had a brilliant first interview with two designers and a satisfactory second one with the director, it become apparent when I started, that there had been some miscommunication between my agent and I, since the role was not what I had envisaged. On my arrival, I had asked somebody where 'menswear' sat and was told 'Wherever you like ... you are menswear!'. In my interviews, I had been given the idea that I was going to be part of a team. Not a one-man-band. And from that moment, things just got worse.

I had approached the company as a graphic designer and had taken a portfolio with me which supported this. I quickly realised that graphic design was minimal in my new job. In fact, there was a guy in New York who was doing most of that. My job was to design garment shapes, look for new kinds of fabrications, talk with the factories abroad, and at one point, I even ended up ironing heat seals onto pairs of men's cycling pants. All of the things that I told my agent and the interviewers that I didn't want to do anymore. I am not the best administrator and hate the stress that comes with it. And besides that, my reason for moving into graphics was down to the lack of creativity involved in designing one middle-aged man's shirt after another.

However, I decided to give it a go. I had been promised a month to shadow the woman who I was replacing. Instead, I was given one week and three typed A4 sheets of all of her work that was outstanding, before she jumped ship. This, of course, had nothing to do with all of the new work I was quickly becoming assigned (much of which, I didn't have a clue how to do). I was soon responsible for working on six different stores, and an as an extra punch in the gut, was told that I would also be required to design for boyswear, girlswear, and outerwear too. I quickly went from someone who had not smoked in about six months to a person who was on thirty a day.

Needless to say, I didn't last in that job for very long. I tried to speak with my agent, but her initial cute and excitable purring quickly turned into a vicious hiss when she realised that she might not get her commission. Getting any help from her was like trying to escape from a burning building, only to be shoved right back into the flames. In the end, I pushed her into the burning pit (without her commission) and left. We have not spoken since.

I always feel a bit vulnerable when I draw the Judgment card. I guess that it makes me feel exposed. But in some cases, it really is needed. In this version, an angel sounds a trumpet, which awakes a family of three from the dead. Some time ago, through my kabbalistic studies, I linked the trumpet (or horn) to the Jewish holiday Rosh HaShanah. During the festival, a horn called the Shofar is blown one hundred times during each of the two days, and reminds people of the importance of reflection. As in the traditional interpretation of Judgment, Rosh HaShanah is a time of evaluation. It asks people to embark on the serious task of examining their lives and repenting for any wrongs they have committed during the previous year. The family in this card need to do just that.

For me, jobs like my last one hold me back. I remember them and they dent my confidence. But with a card like The Chariot sitting beside Judgment, I am reminded that I can't move forward until I deal with the past. The charioteer is ready to go but has not yet moved an inch. I have always looked at that design job as a failure on my part. Leaving it made me feel all the more useless than I did already. But when I look at it this morning, I realise that it was not the right kind of job for me. I had been lead down the garden path to a role that I was not suited and was not experienced enough to perform. With the positioning of today's cards, the angel blows the trumpet right into the charioteers ear so that he gets the message loud and clear. Hopefully, realising that the job's demise was not all his fault might help him to move forward.

It's still very cold here. I have spent the morning on the mundane - pairing socks, sorting out washing, and throwing stuff away. The post has been and there is still no sign of the form I requested, which is apparently so urgent that I will have my benefit cancelled if it is not returned by the 18th. I completed a print for my new site yesterday. It's not perfect, but it's a step in the right direction. I plan to do the same today, before I go to my boyfriends. I'd say it's just what Judgment ordered.

Illustration from The Hanson-Roberts Tarot by Mary Hanson-Roberts