Let Me Be

My boyfriend and I drove to Birmingham for his friend's birthday as planned. On the night that we arrived, we stayed home and caught up with her. On her actual birthday the following day, we went out to lunch with her and her daughter, and then in the evening, she had a gathering of nine friends. All of the guests were really nice and I managed to have a good chat with each.

On the day after the get-together I was fine all day, but in the evening, I started to feel unwell. By the time I got to bed, my stomach was really aching and I began to feel nauseous. Not being able to hold it back, I was eventually sick, and that was pretty much how things continued throughout the night and into the morning. My boyfriend and I were meant to go and see another of his mates to drop off her Christmas present, but feeling as I did, he had to go alone. I can't remember the last time I felt as unwell as I did then.

I don't know how I made the journey home in the car. It took over four hours and I tried my best to sleep as much of it off as I could to avoid being sick in the car. I think that I spent the entire time that I was awake fantasising about finally being in my room on my comfortable bed.

I am still not over the bug or whatever it was. We had had a Chinese takeaway before I got ill and one of the sauces didn't look or taste right. I was the only one to eat it, so we wondered if that might be the culprit. Having said that, from what I have heard, there has been a lot of sickness about generally, so I may have just picked that up. This is the first time that I have had a chance to make it to the computer and draw a card since Monday. I had pulled the very same card that day as I had on the Sunday, Prosperity Begins, but didn't have the time or resources to post on my blog while I was away. It was an interesting draw though, because my thoughts and feelings were lent more to the image than the general meaning of the card. I have had a lot of problems with my stomach over the past four years, and when it aches, I lay both hands over it in exactly the same way as those shown in the picture. I thought about this before feeling unwell, and now wonder if the seed in the picture indicated the little bug beneath the surface, which was soon to write off a couple of my days.

I was kind of expecting to receive another card today. In particular, I expected to pull Solitude (which is linked to The Hermit traditionally). To be frank, Christmas has been a little too overwhelming for me. Going out on Christmas Eve, spending the next few days with family, and then hotfooting it up North to more partying and social engagements has taken it's toll. By the third day of the visit, I'll be honest and say that I had just had enough of people. Not feeling my best, I let my phone ring itself to sleep and didn't answer any of it's messages. People find it hard to just let me be sometimes, which is what I really want and need right now.

Today's card shows both a lion and a man. I guess that one is overcoming the other. For today, the lion could be my bug. As I lay here, my stomach is still churning, but I feel less sick than I did last night. The illustration shows me beginning to feel that bit more human through the taming of the beast.

Illustration from The Psychic Tarot Oracle by John Watson

Relaxing out of the Whirlwind

Today's card brings me a seed. Beneath the soil, it symbolises something which is beginning to grow. We nurture it with our care and attention, as shown by the hands in the painting which keep it warm. One day we will receive it's reward, which is shown here as peaches. In conventional tarot, this card would be the Ace of Pentacles, but here it is titled Prosperity Begins.

As you can see, Santa has been and brought me The Psychic Tarot Oracle. I had been considering this deck for over a year. When I was talking to a woman in a shop in London about it, she said that it had literally flown off of the shelves and proved to be very popular. I thought that it appeared interesting online, but in person, it is very attractive. It has gold gilding on the edges and a luxurious helping of lamination, but rather than being sickly sweet, it feels very wholesome and down to earth. I had been a bit worried about the omission of both court cards and the 'tens', but holding it in my hand, the deck feels complete.

My boyfriend and I went out for a while on Christmas Eve (our morning plans to meet my friend were cancelled for the third time). While out, I received a call. Unfortunately, as well as bringing things at Christmas, Santa also takes too. My best mate called me to tell me that our friend, who I wrote about in a recent post, had died that morning. She was in her late 30's. She had hoped to stay alive until January, which is when her only daughter turns 1, but couldn't fight her cancer any longer. Apparently, she passed away at 11am, surrounded by her family. Even though we had expected this to happen at some time soon, the news really knocked me. It hit me the hardest on Christmas morning, when I had to go upstairs and take a break from the opening of presents, just to let the emotion out. All of this has happened so quickly. I can't believe that she has gone.

My boyfriend and I spent Christmas morning with my parents and then headed over to his. We shared the day with them, his sister's family, and their nan. We had a lovely meal, and afterwards, it came to the time to swap gifts. The youngest of the three children there, Sophie, dished out the presents to everyone from under the tree. As the ones from the outside of the tree were soon opened, her job became more difficult, as we watched her tunnelling under the tree's branches with her feet hanging out, trying to get to the gifts at the back. When we read the label and she discovered that a present was for her, she was so excited. We bought her a toy ironing board, which my boyfriend put together for her to play with. All three of the children were perfectly behaved all day.

This morning, we spent a little time with my boyfriend's brother, sister-in-law, and their two little girls. One is not a year old yet. I get on so well with all of his family. We swapped gifts with them and they gave me a wonderful sewing bible. We spent this afternoon at my house with my family and have just finished watching the news. I had been following the story of the missing architecture student in Bristol and am really sad to hear that her body was found yesterday. My sadness was then suddenly turned to anger as I watched the next item, which showed hundreds of people elbowing each other out of the way and arguing with one another as they tried their best to get cut price goods in the Boxing Day sales. Some people just don't know what's worth fighting for. I want to relax out of the whirlwind of the last few days, but need to start to pack this evening before our drive to Birmingham in the morning.

Illustration from The Psychic Tarot Oracle by John Matson

Running off with the Handsome Bar-tender

In last night's post, I mentioned my initial irritation around this deck's set-up and the fact that some of the gods and goddesses are duplicated throughout the pack. From the 45 cards in the box, there are two depictions for Zeus ('the father' and 'divine expansion'), for Demeter ('the mother' and 'harvest'), for Hades ('death' and the 'underworld'), for Poseidon ('the unknown' and the 'earth shaker'), for Hermes ('messages' and 'travel'), for Aphrodite ('love' and 'beauty'), for Eros ('desire' and 'sacred union'), and lastly for Persephone ('awakening' and 'rebirth'). It still bugs me that the creators have organised the deck in this way, but despite this, the beauty of the illustrations kind of make up for it. Take Dionysus in today's card as an example. His is such a calming painting. Subtitled freedom, this image reminds me that we need to free the mind as much as the body. This is probably his intention, as he considers his goblet.

Dionysus is the god of wine. He invented it on Mount Nyssa and spread the art of tending grapes throughout the world. He has a duel nature. On one hand, he brings divine ecstasy, and on the other, he brings brutality, thoughtlessness, and rage. This is reflected in both sides of wine's nature, for if it is used in moderation it can be good, but if abused, it can be deadly. The write-up in the companion book for this deck leans more towards it's good, seeing wine as a tool for freedom and ecstasy. It feels kind of natural for this card to turn up on the eve of Christmas Eve, since I guess the celebrations will start now for a lot of people. It's a time for them to forget about work, relax, and let themselves go. Dionysus could very well take the shape of many a handsome bar-tender. His offer of freedom and escape from the real world is seductive and can easily be taken advantage of.

As time ticks on towards Christmas, things are taking shape here. My mum is cleaning and tidying and our living room now looks very festive and cosy. Not that I will be spending much time here over the next week. My boyfriend and I are staying here until Christmas morning and are then going to his family for lunch. As far as I am aware, we are staying there for some of Boxing Day and then returning here, as I have to pack so that we can drive up north. I think we'll be there for about three nights. I am looking forward to seeing our friend in Birmingham, but to be honest, as I have gotten older, I am not as comfortable with living out of a bag as I was in my youth. I am used to my home comforts.

For the third time, my friend and I are going to try and see each other tomorrow. The last two arrangements have been ruined by the snow. As I sat here with my coffee this morning, a few flakes of snow buzzed about outside my window. Just a light sprinkle. I am keeping everything crossed, in the hope that it doesn't sabotage the rest of my week. Dionysus tries his best to shake me awake out of my worries about this and that. I have felt sick for the last few days and it is accelerated with worry. He offers me his goblet and tells me to relax into the Christmas spirit with him.

Illustration from The Mythic Oracle by Michele-lee Phelan

A Card Before Bedtime: Athena

I decided to draw an extra card tonight for no particular reason. I just kind of felt like it, since I am relaxing and have nothing much to do. After flipping through the decks in my collection, I chose the Mythic Oracle, which is illustrated by Michele-lee Phelan. It was a set that I witnessed being designed online and vowed I would get when it was released. Despite my initial enthusiasm, I haven't used it much. I think that this is down to some of the Greek gods and goddesses being duplicated in the cards. I would have preferred the creators to have drawn on different mythical figures for their different strengths, rather than draw on two different aspects of the same one. As an example, Hades is shown in two cards - one representing the underworld and the other focusing on death. Having said all of that, I pulled the deck out this evening because I wanted to look through something different, which this is. I am awaiting the Psychic Tarot Oracle for Christmas and am getting itchy feet. I wanted to play with a different deck, so the Mythic Oracle will have to do until Christmas morning. It does have some enchanting images in it.

My bedtime card depicts the Greek goddess, Athena. She was the favorite child of Zeus, and in birth, had sprung fully grown from her father's head. Her mother was Metis, the goddess of wisdom and Zeus' first wife. In fear that Metis would bear a son mightier than himself, Zeus swallowed her. From inside him, she began to make a robe and helmet for her daughter. The hammering of the helmet caused Zeus great headaches and he cried out in agony. Hephaestus ran to his father's aid and split his skull open. From it emerged Athena, fully grown and wearing her mother's robe and helmet. As much as I enjoy the Greek myths, I do often raise an eyebrow or two when I read them. Whenever someone is threatened by someone else in the myths, swallowing them always seems to be the most obvious solution. Or alternatively, there is the splitting open of someones skull when they have a headache. I certainly wouldn't go to Hephaestus if I had a migraine.

What I first noticed in this card is her attribute, the owl. As well as being a goddess of war and justice, Athena is also associated with wisdom. I have read that she encourages wars to be won through intelligence. Owls are also referred to as wise as well. Over the years, I have developed an interest in owls. Not to any great degree. I kept seeing them wherever I went for a long time and finally decided to buy some kind of model or statue of one for my room. By chance, I eventually stumbled across a stuffed one in an antique fair and fell in love with it. It sits on my desk and watches over every word that I write. Since I haven't looked at this deck in a while, I had forgotten that it has a barn owl in it, so was pleasantly surprised when I turned the card this evening.

If this card tells me anything, it advises me to use my brain and to be smart. I haven't felt too well today. After actually saying that I was feeling better recently, I got smacked around the head with fatigue today. I was overcome with dizziness, felt short of breath, and ached. Rather than see this as a blip, I took to worrying, which only makes me feel worse. Athena would encourage putting feelings to the side and the balancing of the mind.

I was meant to go and see my boyfriend this evening. I go to his parent's house every Wednesday, have dinner with them, and then stay over. But after his big work 'do' last night, he was tired today. I knew that it would mean him flaking out on the bed for a few hours and me twiddling my thumbs, so I suggested that we leave tonight. I haven't seen him in five or so days, but we'll have a better time tomorrow after a good night's sleep. We both need it.

Illustration from The Mythic Oracle by Michele-lee Phelan

The Forest Fire

For today, I have drawn the King of Wands. The court cards are the main reason why I like The Crystal Tarot. Especially the pages. Even though the addition of a crystal to every minor card does make them interesting, the repetition of the pip cards is not this deck's strength. I understand that Emma Garner (the artist) would have preferred to illustrate the entire pack fully, but was caught up in the restrictions of her publisher. Having said that, I do quite like un-scenic minor cards on occasion. They can really show of the dominance (or absence) of a suit in a reading. I just find these ones a little bland. It is cards such as the courts which really liven this pack up. Emma paints such beautiful faces. Her male characters have such charm and sensitivity.

The pre-Christmas gathering on Monday was nice. There was about nine of us and we all sat at the dining room table. My friend had put out a lovely spread and we just sat around chatting. By the time my mate and I left, the snow had stopped and we trudged home through it. Dosed up with a little Christmas cheer, the walk home was bearable.

As an accompanying crystal, Indicolite brings faith in our self and the steps we aim to make. The King of Wands is a man of planning and foresight, and at times, he is a card I relate to. Often, at times where I am bolshy, dominating, and take charge. It's a side of me that has grown over the years. So many people see me as sensitive and dreamy, but I do have a fiery side, which can effortlessly take control. I noticed this when I was on a course a few years ago. When it came to being put in groups, I naturally pushed myself into the position of leader or spokesperson. I didn't realise that I did this, until I noticed how quickly I had grabbed the one marker pen assigned to each group before anyone else had had a chance.

Today is a day of taking charge. Christmas is approaching quickly, and with time running down, it seems as though the list of things I have to do in it is getting longer. On Christmas Eve, my boyfriend and my parents are meant to be meeting with a mate and her family in a small village for a drink. I am hoping this will go ahead, but we have to be in three different places other than that on that day, so it looks as though we'll need an early start. My boyfriend added the third to the list this morning, so in King of Wands fashion, I am planning ahead and working out what to do and when.

The King of Wands is an extremely masculine card. He forces his way through opposition like a forest fire. Unintentionally on my part, this can sometimes bruise the feelings of others. Due to the things which I have to do in the next few days, I have had to duck out of a couple of penciled-in arrangements, which I hope has not offended anyone. In some situations, I can lack that kind of feeling and consideration, which is very much in line with the personality of this dominant king. One of my mates always says how she would like to be as emotionless as I am when I deal with problematic relationships. I am not saying that emotion does not play a part in my decisions, but when I have been hurt or badly treated by someone, I find the strength in this king to write them off and cut all contact. This can sometimes make me appear emotionless, since I approach the situation in the way that some might approach a cut and dry decision at work. I have done this on a few occasions over the last year, pushing out people who I can't see a future with for one reason or another. I am a little like the Queen of Swords at times. When these two tarot characters come together as one, they become a force to be reckoned with.

Illustration from The Crystal Tarot by Emma Garner

One of those Days #236

Today is becoming 'one of those days' ... again.

The 8 of Pentacles (this time from The Crystal Tarot) made sense when I woke up this morning. I really wanted to stay in bed, but knew I really should make it into the charity shop. The accompanying book to the deck says of this card "Your work is helpful to others and worthwhile. Don't give up on pursuits that you feel are valuable; they will be rewarding if you put the effort in now". These lines kind of got me out of bed, because I know that the work I do there is building a future for both the people it supports and myself. The card incorporates copper, which apparently holds the energy and endurance required to achieve. So I plodded off to work on the icy roads.

I enjoyed being at the shop today, but one thing did spoil it for me. My manageress asked me to do the banking, which meant taking in the previous week's takings. I was told that all I needed to do was hand the money over the counter, have it checked, and to get the book stamped. This was easier said than done, since once at the counter, the book and cash did not tally. In fact, the banking was a complete mess. Some days were short, and one particular one was over by a sizable amount. Knowing nothing about it, the woman in the bank and I sorted it out as best we could and I took back the extra cash to the charity shop.

After I had explained the differences to the manageress, it seemed that she had not included accounts for one of the days, but once the extra money had been accounted for, it then appeared to be forty pounds down. To be honest, watching her count it (which I had to recheck because she had added some up wrong), I am not surprised. My manageress blamed the bank, but in my mind, I don't think they are at fault. I am just hoping that the finger doesn't eventually get pointed in my direction, regarding the loss. I wish I hadn't agreed to take it now, but at the time, I didn't imagine that the accounts could be in such a state. It has been playing on my mind all afternoon. I feel guilty and I haven't even done anything.

After getting home, the day got progressively worse, due to the weather. My friend cancelled our lunch tomorrow as she has a cold, leaving the rest of us a little disappointed, and then the snow came back to finish things off. With it now falling heavily again, my boyfriend can not make it over this evening. It's a shame, as we were meant to be seeing another friend for a pre-Christmas gathering, but it was me who pretty much suggested that he stay at home. I don't like the idea of him driving in this. Especially for the sake of just a few hours. The getting here is bad enough, but it's the getting home which worries me. On top of that, I spoke to another friend about a further arrangement which we have had t0 cancel. I understand all of the reasons why, but it doesn't stop it from being frustrating. My biggest concern is that the snow will ruin Christmas entirely. Will I get to see my boyfriend on Wednesday? Will we even be able to see each other at Christmas at all?

Despite all of this, a few friends and I are walking over to another mates for this evening anyway. With everything looking so unpredictable, it might be the only Christmas social engagement that I am able to attend, so I am going to make the most of it.

Illustration from The Crystal Tarot by Emma Garner. Words from The Crystal Tarot by Philip Permutt

Put on Hold

My boyfriend ended up going home yesterday afternoon. As the light snow turned into a blizzard, he decided that it would probably be best to leave before it got worse or turned to ice overnight. If he got snowed in here, he'd not get to work or be able to work from home without his laptop on Monday. It usually takes him twenty minutes to get back home from my house. It took him just under three hours yesterday. But he is safe and sound now and I have spoken with him this morning.

The weather doesn't seem to be getting any worse and it hasn't snowed overnight. However, everything is still and quiet outside, aside from Dumb and Dumber, who are building an igloo in the garden with their idiot of a father. I am hoping that the weather will improve for tomorrow, before it strikes down another of my social engagements. We are supposed to be going round to a friend's for the first of four pre-Christmas get togethers, but at this time, I don't know how easy it will be for my boyfriend to get over here. Similarly, another of my mates is meeting me on Tuesday and I have to get over to my boyfriend's on Wednesday. I can do no more than pray for the snow to clear up before then.

Today's card is the 2 of Swords. In between the two blades, some kind of current is awoken. I see this as communication and understanding. The card is a pacifier to some degree, since it calms situations. This could be in the same way that the weather has calmed and defused my plans, or it might be an understanding or truce between two people which kills prior tension or difficulties. Whatever it is, something has been put on hold. It might simply be about enjoying my Sunday without thinking about all of the things I feel I should be doing or am worrying about. If that's the card's subtle hint, I'll take it.

I suppose that everything is kind of on hold at the moment. Due to my boyfriend being ill here at the start of last week and having arrangements at the end, I haven't been into the charity shop, so feel as though I must bridge that gap soon. I might go in tomorrow morning or on Wednesday. Similarly, I haven't touched base with my own tarot designs in a while. As much as I know that I will return to the project, I haven't felt inspired to do any of late. The 2 of Swords locates this lull.

Illustration from The Celtic Tarot by Courtney Davis

The Skirt of Safety

As well as pulling a card to fit the day, I was also looking for an answer from the tarot this morning. With plans made for later this afternoon, I wanted to know whether or not to break them. There wasn't any snowfall last night, but the temperature has dropped to -17 and it is snowing pretty heavily now. My biggest concern about venturing out has been the icy roads to London and the predicted weather reports for today and tonight. Even if we make it to our destination, there is no guarantee that we will make it back. The guy on the radio has advised people to only make necessary journeys.

On drawing the Queen of Pentacles, the first detail that I noticed was the dolls at her skirt. In my mind, they are children that the queen has chosen to keep near. The second child from the left has his eyes half-closed. Still not fully-recovered from his cold, my boyfriend is asleep and this small figure reminds me of him, complete with his shaved head. The Queen of Pentacles is both nurturing and level-headed. She advises me to stay near to family, so I cancelled the trip to London just now. My friend Kate is already there, since she needed to escort her nephew down to her brother last night, but is going to try and get back here to her daughter and parents in the next few hours. She said that the snow is thick there. If she doesn't get stuck, then we might do something together locally.

As I type, the snow is falling harder. I am pig-sick of this weather. After it's disruptions a couple of weeks ago, it looks set to destroy the week leading up to Christmas too. I was really looking forward to London, but am kind of glad that we don't have to make the journey now. It's annoying that it has been ruined, but I'd rather snuggle up against the queen's skirt of safety, security, and that which is known, than take a risk on the unpredictable roads today.

Illustration from The Deviant Moon Tarot by Patrick Valenza

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

As I sat in a coffee shop with my friend this morning, the snow began to fall again. I say 'fall', when really, it looked as though the sky gods had gone mad and had over shaken a toy snow globe. With every rigorous shake, my excitement for this weekend's activities and the things I want to do next week were dampened that little bit more. The weather could potentially ruin a lot of my plans.

Along with the snow, I received a handful of emails from agencies this morning. The first came from the wonderful (tongue firmly in cheek) 24 Seven, who cancelled my first appointment with them this year, ignored my phone messages, and have never responded to the three emails I sent. They recently sent a global survey for feedback, which I filled out with brutal honesty. I attached it to an email and told them exactly what I thought of their service, but of course, they didn't have the courtesy to respond. And now, I receive a jingly-jangly animated Christmas greeting. I guess that this has something to do with promotion and is a way of keeping their clients feeling happy and loved. Well, I can tell you that it ain't working for me. I'd have rather they had put their energy into their general working practice, but there you go. I got another one from an agent who I haven't spoken to for about three years. In fact, I have had one every year from them since then, but not a whiff of any job interest. I wonder how much time and effort (let alone money) is thrown into this kind of surface bullshit. I bet that they are giving themselves a nice old pat on the back and believe that we really are touched with these festive, but fake, gestures. After the service I have experienced with 24 Seven, I think they have a bloody cheek to send one to me.

In today's card, the Page of Cups, we see a young boy staring at his reflection in a vessel of water. He is Narcissus. In the myth, Narcissus literally fell in love with his own reflection and ended up killing himself, due to finding a love which was unobtainable. As we have all heard many a time, we need to love our self before we can love another. This is true to some extent, and with recent developments in my working life, I am now beginning to appreciate my worth again and my confidence is beginning to grow back. But in terms of Narcissus, self-love creates a darker shadow and can lead to selfishness and emotional immaturity. I am looking forward to going to visit my friend tomorrow, but at the moment, the visit hangs in the balance, due to the snow and my boyfriend's cold. I cannot do much about the weather, but should my boyfriend not feel well, another friend and I might have to go alone. I don't want to leave him behind, but this card reminds me to think of others, rather than my own needs alone. I can't drag him down there if he isn't feeling 100%, regardless of how much I want to spend the weekend with both him and my friends.

Illustration from The New Mythic Tarot by Giovanni Caselli

The Magician and The Benefit Gods

Today has been one of waiting, it would seem. I didn't sleep well last night and wanted to get back from my boyfriend's without any hassle this morning to get an hour's nap in. Unfortunately, this was not to be, since someone had driven a car onto the railway line, which meant my second train was cancelled and a bus replacement service was set up as an alternative means of transport. I hate those things. They go all round the houses and take twice the time. Everyone was ushered outside the station and asked to wait. We ended up standing there for over half an hour, and eventually, all traipsed back to the platform, since the bus never showed. Aside from being cold and tired, I was standing next to the most nauseating and boring couple imaginable. If the sleepless night and fatigue didn't send me off to sleep already, they were sure to.

I went for my much-awaited medical this afternoon. The waiting game continued from there on. I got there ten minutes early at 3pm and was not seen until an hour and a bit later. What annoys me about these kind of things is that if it was the other way round, my benefits would grind to a dramatic halt and I'd receive a slap on the wrist. Having said all of that, the doctor was apologetic and helpful. She did a few tests and basically gave me a little more information about chronic fatigue than anyone else has bothered to so far. I was pretty honest with her about what I can and can't do, so the decision about employment support is now in the hands of the benefit gods. Of course, since I am feeling brighter than I was a few months ago, a lot of what happens from now on will hopefully be in my control, which is why I think The Magician has entered today's draw.

This particular magician is Hermes and he stands at a crossroads. There are four different avenues which he can take and I believe that they are connected to the four suits of the tarot, as symbolised by the tools on the flat stone. The Magician represents potential that has not yet been tapped into and I think he suggests energy and situations for which I will soon benefit. Out of the tools on the stone, I think I will choose the sword. As I begin to feel that bit better, my mind is clearing and I can see the way forward that bit more than before.

Once again, the snow has begun to fall. I can't see if it has set or not here, but my boyfriend has just told me that it hasn't around where he lives. I had a nice day yesterday. I went out with two good friends in the morning. They took me to a Christmas fayre in the grounds of a castle. Both having very generous souls, one treated me to coffee and a cake, while the other took us for lunch in a restaurant. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the kindness of friends like this. I just hope that it is not long before I can treat them back. The Magician tells me that it will not be.

I hope that both my boyfriend's cold and the snow clears up for the weekend. I have planned a visit to my friend's in South London on Saturday and I really hope that either doesn't spoilt it.

Illustration from The New Mythic Tarot by Giovanni Caselli

Reaping the Benefits of The Fool

When I drew this card this morning, I pulled a face. The 10 of Pentacles is a card of security and comfort. As well as being with family, the man in the illustration is surrounded by ten large pentacles or coins, signifying material abundance. The chance would be a fine thing, wouldn't it? I had a response from the volunteer's bureau yesterday, saying that they had chased one of the vacancies, but had been told that a volunteer was no longer needed and to wipe the advert. The bureau were very understanding to me, which I appreciated. I have had no response from the fashion agent, which is no surprise. They are a breed of their own. This particular card depicts Daedalus of Greek myth, with his daughter and grandchildren.

My boyfriend is still here. Even though he is feeling that bit better, he is not completely over his cold and is still coughing. Unlike yesterday, he is awake, and is curled up watching The Swiss Family Robinson. It seems that his cold has reached my parents and I, who have also developed a tickly cough.

My phone went this morning. I was a little apprehensive about answering the unrecognised number, but out of curiosity, I did. It was the woman who sent the email about the teaching work next year. She said that she was very interested in using me and offered me the job. I needed to sort out some stuff, including making sure that my CRB check was in date (it costs £80 to organise another one) and getting in touch with an insurance company for my public liability cover. So after a few conversations, it would seem that I have work to look forward to, starting on the 10th January. It is spread out over three months, so it will ease me back into working gradually. I will need to sort things out with the unemployment office, which will probably mean signing off. I am kind of hoping that I will feel well enough to find a part-time job to run alongside this kind of work too. I think that the message offered in my previous reading, suggesting that opportunities of the moment should be seized, was very true in regards to my striking when the iron was hot and replying to the agent's email.

So this is probably why Daedalus and his family have fallen into my draw today. It makes more sense than it did when I pulled the card initially. The 10 of Pentacles is sometimes connected to buying a property or founding a future, since it regards things which can bring long-term security. I am hoping that some of the money I earn can be put aside and eventually used as a deposit for somewhere for my boyfriend and I to live.

Illustration from The New Mythic Tarot by Giovanni Caselli

Clearing a Path

Make way for a little controversy, since I have chosen to use The New Mythic Tarot here on the blog for a while. The controversy rests within the title, since the new Mythic is a redrawing of the original. Aside from the fact that a large chunk of consumers do not think it compares to the original, the main beef that people have with it is that the original artist was not informed that her illustrations from the 80s were being updated until she read about it on an online forum a year ago. Obviously she was very hurt, which provoked a great deal of support behind her and against the new pack.

Like many, I prefer the original by Tricia Newell. The paintings are fuller, lusher, and have a naive charm to them which is warming, where as Caselli's images lose something in their modern slickness. Having said that, there are a couple of characters that I prefer. As a different set, it is a new take on the original, which is why I have a copy. I was curious, I suppose, but I will always like Newell's version the most. Having said that, although I think it was bad business and insensitive to not advise her of the changes to The Mythic, how different is this to the thousands of re-drawings of Pamela Coleman Smith's original illustrations for the Rider Waite? Nobody seems to mind buying a clone of that deck or harshly dismissing the original artist's work by calling it ugly.

My boyfriend is still here. After we came home yesterday, he slept for most of the evening, leaving me to flip through the television channels until I found the off button: when Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore appear in the same film, you know you're in trouble. As the clock ticked on, my boyfriend decided to stay here, as he didn't feel fit enough to make the drive home. His phone alarm woke us this morning and he made the decision to call in sick. He doesn't look well, has a horrible cough, and is still sleeping now. My eyes are a little achy. I hope that I am not coming down with something too.

In The Mythic Tarot (whether old or new), we see the Greek goddess, Athene. Her sword is doubled-edged. As much as it brings about new thought and understanding, it's ability to change things can also bring conflict. New ideas can instigate opposition and fear. In this new version, there is a coolness to the sky above Athene. I like that, because that is how the card always feels to me, regardless of deck. It's a clearing of the mind, which allows new ideas to fill the space.

My boyfriend is rarely unwell, but when he is, he can be a little grouchy (as we all can), so I am just letting him sleep today. I don't think this card has anything to do with him though. It often brings about communication, so I wonder if it's double-edged message has anything to do with the email I angrily fired off to the fashion agent, or the other, regarding Age Concern, last week. Will they get back to me?

A quiet day is on order for me today. I started using The Mythic again because after sending Grant and Barrymore to my own personal Room 101, I sat in silence and began to read 'Gods in Everyman' by Jean Shinosa Bolen, M.D. last night. It is about the guise of eight chosen archetypal gods, or personality types, which we will all identify. She endeavours to help the reader understand which gods they are compatible with, and which ones they are not. In using the tarot (and especially a Greek Myth themed set of cards), I thought the book might be useful in helping to clear a path forward.

Illustration from The New Mythic Tarot by Giovanni Caselli

At Your Service

The Lord of Grails rides into today's draw. He confidently holds up his cup, careful to not spill a drop. And that is the kind of guy he is. He's the sort of bloke who listens, is supportive, and tries his best to consider the feelings of others. In an emotional situation or at a time when care is needed, he's your man.

After coming down with a cold yesterday, my boyfriend felt worse this morning. He woke up only to take a few more cold and flu tablets, and then slept in past midday. I encouraged it, as I guess he needed to. The Lord of Grails is me, doing my Florence Nightingale routine, by bringing him what he needed. The lord is also my boyfriend, since I see him as the mature love in my life.

When my boyfriend finally woke up again, he had a shower and said he felt a little better. He needed to get some new shoes, so I suggested we take a short walk down the road. There is a few large stores by the river and I thought that a little fresh air might do him good. Once there, he said that he felt well enough to pop into the perimeter of town and pick up a few other bits that we hadn't managed to get yesterday. It was less of a task than yesterday, and once we had got what we needed, we went for a coffee with my friend and her sister, who we bumped into unexpectedly. She generously paid for the lot, which was very sweet of her. We sat in a coffee shop for an hour and then my boyfriend and I made the walk home slowly. He is tired now, but I think that the trip probably did him a lot better than laying around here all day. In terms of my own energy levels, the little more exercise that I have indulging in each day for the last couple of weeks is helping me to build up resilience and strength. I very much doubt that I will get signed off of working for any longer after my medical next week, but in thinking about things, this can only be good. I have had a good few months of recuperation, which I am thankful for, and I really want to find work in the new year. It was a little disappointing to not buy all of the gifts I wanted to today, due to lack of money, but by this time next year, I hope that I will be able to.

The Lord of Grails can represent deep love. You can lay your trust in him. This is how I view my boyfriend. For many years, I have seen myself and the males around me as knights. Of course, knights (or princes, as they appear in this deck) can represent aspects of every one's personality at different times, but as a general representative of my boyfriend, I see him as this card over all. We are growing into the maturity and age of a lord (or king) as we get that bit older. When he is not feeling 100% and I watch him sleeping as he is now, I realise just how much I love him and want to take care of him.

Illustration from The Vampyre Tarot by Ian Daniels

The Circle of Security

In today's card, a beautiful tattooed young woman sits inside a circle of blood. She is composed, ordered, and meditative. She's the kind of girl who can sit back, secure and satisfied, because she has completed her Christmas shopping online.

To be fair, my boyfriend did try to get what he could on the internet, but that proved more of a difficult task than you'd think. Instead, we drove to Toys R Us and then ventured into town. Without a do-or-die Christmas list, we struggled from store to store, fighting our way through crowds and the many people who think that the best place to stop and ponder their thoughts is right in the middle of shop doorways. I think that we had already had enough after the first ten minutes of our ordeal, but stuck it out and got most of the presents he needed for his family and friends. By the time we had finished, we were both exhausted. I have to say that it wasn't an enjoyable experience. There is only so much I can take of John Lennon's 'Happy Christmas (War is Over)' within the space of four hours.

Aside from the shopping trip, this weekend has been sedate so far. We drove to my friend's last night and babysitted her two young children and dog. All three of them were well behaved. My boyfriend had learnt to make Christmas snowflakes from six sheets of A4 paper, so he made them with the kids. Even though, it was me, my friend, and her husband who were most impressed with the results. So much so that I asked him to make a large black one for my room this evening. A morbid Christmas decoration, you might think, but beautifully Gothic. He has also made a red and black one for my parents, which we hung in the window of the dining room. It kind of reminded me of the garland in today's card.

My parents have been out tonight, and my boyfriend and I finally located the order and peace of the 4 of Scepters. We watched the X-Factor final and are now settled in bed, watching The Beach. I have had the book for many years, but for a reason I cannot remember, I have never gotten around to reading it. I think my boyfriend is coming down with a cold. In the vein of today's card, I have just made him a hot chocolate, have given him some flu remedies, and he is now tucked up under the duvet. We are inside our own circle of security.

Illustration from The Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels

A Cup of Tears

I have a funny old relationship with the Ace of Cups. For many, it is a card of new beginnings and love, which is an interpretation I sometimes bring into my readings. But more often than not, the card symbolises a surge of emotion in me. Be that happiness, sadness, tears, or rage. I am never entirely sure which way the card will tip when it turns up in a draw. It's a little bit like that old question 'Are you a happy or miserable drunk?'. The Ace of Cups can provoke emotion via both ends of the spectrum. Once you have begun to drink from it, you could be rolling around the floor in laughter. But equally, it might move you to tears.

I haven't cried in a while. At least, I don't think I have. But I have come pretty close to it a few times this week. This morning, I shed a few tears over a film that someone posted on the internet. A friend of mine is ill at the moment, and I think that she is the real reason behind my upset.

I had wanted to write about my friend here before, but didn't know how appropriate it would be. Since this is a blog about my life, I try to keep the details of other people's lives as minimal as I can. But sometimes, like now, I feel a need to write something. I met this woman quite a few years ago at a party. I had drunk too much and the party was having trouble containing me. She and I had struck up conversation in the kitchen and had fallen upon the subject of tarot. We eventually left the rest of the guests and spent an hour or so in a room by ourselves. I read her cards and we talked about all different stuff. I saw her at some other gatherings after that and I read for her again professionally. Before I pulled the plug on my personal Facebook page, we had communicated through email there. This was all before I found out that she had become ill.

It had seemed that everything was beginning to go right for her. Just under a year ago, she and her husband had moved to a new home to start afresh with their new baby girl. It was only then that she found out that she has cancer. To cut a long story short, there has been little that the doctors can do for her since then, and she has been told that she may not make either her daughters first birthday in January or even this Christmas. Every time I hear news of how things are going, it is like a punch in the stomach. She is such a kind, beautiful, and talented woman, and I find it absolutely heartbreaking that all of this is happening.

This is where the Ace of Cups flows over abundantly. It's contents crash to the ground like tears. I want to do something to let her know that I care, but I don't know what I can do. I did write to her some months back, but what with the time she has spent in a hospice and the fact that she is heavily sedated, it is not surprising that I have not received a reply. She lives too far away for me to visit. From what our mutual friend has said, I don't think a telephone call would be an option either, so I guess that my love in a Christmas card might be the only way to go. A friend of mine died last Christmas. And another one died a year or so before him. Like this mate, they were in their 30s too. I really didn't expect to start losing friends to death at this age.

Today has been a simple day at home. I slept in for a while and awoke from a very vivid dream. It seemed to go on for ages. After coming out of a tube station, I had witnessed crowds of people watching video screens that had been erected around the city of London. On them were clips of Madonna in her various guises. It soon became obvious that the clips were from a live news flash, and at first, I thought she had died. But after asking someone in the crowd what had happened, I was told that she had shot her husband and had been arrested for murder. I know that Guy Richie is an annoying, cocky little mockney, but even I think shooting him is a little extreme.

It's funny how dreams can take over your day. They totally absorb me, long after I have awoken from them. Sometimes, the weirdest components of a dream can feel so real or intimate. Until I met my boyfriend, I had never seen an episode of the X-Factor, so I didn't know who any of the previous contestants were. However, the night before last, I dreamt that I had been serenaded by Joe McElderry. It's interesting how someone who we know little to nothing about and have seen on television only once or twice can slip through the dream net and stir our thoughts and feelings. With today's cup of water, emotion and dreams are easily whipped up, I guess.

I have things planned for my weekend, but my boyfriend and I intend to keep it relatively quiet. My friend is going to her work 'do' tonight, so we are going up to hers to babysit her two children. They are lovely well-behaved kids, so it should be fine. Tomorrow, we are Christmas shopping. I went out for a couple of pints with my friend, Sarah, yesterday evening, and my boyfriend went for a night out with his friends in London, so neither of us really need any more of that. By the time we have done our Christmas shopping, I doubt I will have the money to afford anything else anyway.

Illustration from The Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels

A Future Paradise

It was so cold when my boyfriend and I left his house this morning. After getting a lift to the station and then taking two trains, I made it into town and rushed along to the warmth of a cafe as quickly as I could. I go to the same one often with friends, so the people who run it know me and are very friendly. I had planned to go into the charity shop again, so with half an hour to spare, I thought I'd better have something to eat and warm up with a coffee first. To be honest, I was tired and didn't really feel like going in, but as with the last time that The Chariot fell into my day, I pulled myself together and went to work. On the train, I had read a mail from Yehuda Berg of the Kabbalah Centre, and that helped spur me into action. It said -

"If you’re feeling pain, see past it. Financial woes, relationship issues, business problems; whatever it is, reframe the current situation by taking responsibility. Your current discomfort is an expression of your actions in the past including victimhood, self-pity, and blame. A subtle shift in consciousness in the present will activate the power of miracles and can push you into a future paradise"

I think that I have probably suffered from some kind of mild depression over the last couple of years, due to things falling apart in my career. I guess that it probably kicked about under the surface, while other stuff distracted me and prevented me from getting swallowed up by it. Not being where I want to be in work has really hit me. Especially when so many others around me are doing so well. I wouldn't be surprised if that is what has brought on my fatigue, since I have heard that stress and depression are often factors. But Yehuda's words spoke both loud and clear this morning. They encourage me to make my future a paradise by shifting my consciousness and creating good thoughts now. Going into work is part of that. And it is surprising how good doing something like that makes me feel.

I spent most of my time on the till today. Other people working there seem to shy away from that, but I quite like it. It gives you a chance to communicate with the customers; many of which are elderly and enjoy to talk. I had pulled out a few interesting garments from the donations that had come in during the morning. Aside from an All Saints dress (which I put out the back, as I might snap it up for a friend), I also saved a gorgeous grey wool coat and a fake-fur jacket for my window mannequins. Being on the till for four hours, I hadn't had a chance to dress them, so told the manageress that I would stay an extra hour to get the window ship-shape. An over-zealous volunteer had made a bit of a mess in it since I had set it up on Tuesday, so it needed another make-over.

It's nice to be home now. Even though I have been on my feet all day, I don't feel as energyless as usual. Don't get me wrong, I am tired. But there is a difference between being tired and feeling as though you've been whacked round the head with a cricket bat. I sometimes feel like the latter. I can have a nap this afternoon without feeling bad about it.

I heard back from the agent yesterday, regarding the teaching work that I have applied for. She said that the agency didn't seem to have me on their books anymore, which is a bit disheartening, but she said that she was impressed with the paragraphs I had written about myself and would recommend me to the school. So as The Hanged Man suggested, there will probably be an element of waiting before I hear. Especially if it means that she will have to find out if my registration with the agency is still live and if I have to be CRB checked again.

One of the women who I work with in the charity shop is a volunteer too and said that she is hoping to apply for a management position at some point. This is another thing which I might find interesting and it pays a wage. With Yehuda's words in mind, I am trying to steer The Chariot in a more positive direction by taking advantage of all of these potential opportunities which are coming my way.

Illustration from The Vampyre Tarot by Ian Daniels

The Waiting Game

The estate agent called this morning. Apparently, the couple from last night liked our house but had a problem with the garage not being connected to the property. It is on a small strip of garages on the other side of the cul-de-sac where we live. The other couple, who are looking to buy as an investment, are after something newer. So that is that for now, as the house is being taken off of the market until next year.

The first thing I did this morning was respond to an email. It came from an agency I have worked for before, who are looking for an art practitioner to work in a school for thirteen days next year. It is local and could be just what the doctor ordered, since the thirteen days appear to be spread out over three months. This doesn't sound like much, but they pay well. When I worked for the company before, the going rate was something between £150 - £200 a day. I put a request forward and will now wait to hear from them. I instantly thought about The Fool in my last reading and knew that I must take advantage of the advertisement and apply. Something like this would be really good for me. And as it starts in January, I would have some time to prepare myself for it.

The Hanged Man is about delay; whether that concerns taking our house off of the market or waiting for the coordinator to get back to me about my request for work, I am left hanging. This seems to be the story of my life, so unfortunately, I am used to it. The card suggests patience. I am at a point where there is nothing more I can do to influence these situations and must go with the flow until I hear more.

This is not one of my favourite hanged men. Many I have seen look at ease in their individual styles of self-sacrifice, but this is not an easy image to view. Not least of all, because of the blood which is draining out of him and into the pot below. When I first saw it, it reminded me of the equally uncomfortable Hanged Man from The Book of Kaos deck by Orryelle Defenestrate Bascule. Both hang in the form of an upturned cross. Could the vessel at the bottom of the demon vampire be the same Well of Mimir, which is also shown at the bottom of Bascule's Hanged Man? This would link the card to Norse Mythology, Odin, and the World Tree, Yggdrasil, suggesting that wisdom is achieved through sacrifice and suspension. Both cards also feature a snake, which could be the World Serpent, Jormungandr. Daniels mentions Odin in his commentary of this card, so I would guess that the links were intentional. I wonder if he has seen Orryelle's version of the trump.

After working yesterday, I am taking today to do things here. I might sew or draw. I plan to go into work again tomorrow, so I don't feel too bad about taking this time to hang out and do other stuff. I am hoping to go over to my boyfriend's later. I usually get a lift there on Wednesday's, but due to the icy roads around here, I am not sure that my mother is confident enough to drive, so I might take the train. Like The Hanged Man, I am waiting to see which will end up being the better option.

Illustration from The Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels

The Mission

Last night, I decided to do a reading about my work-life. Nothing too fancy. Just a three card spread that I had modified. For the first position, I wanted to look at the energy of right now and ask what is actually happening. For the second, which lays crossed beneath it, I wanted to know what will greet me. I see this as something to look out for in the near future. The last card represents the outcome.

Card 1: What is happening now? Justice

Justice is a card that often frightens me. As a card which makes us face up to our responsibilities, I often worry that it has turned up to scold me. However, in terms of the changes in my working life over the past couple of weeks, this could not be further from the truth. Since I applied to do voluntary work and have started at the charity shop, balance has started to become restored. I am doing what I consider to be the right thing and am no longer feeling guilty for not being in paid employment. The universe has done me a good turn, and now I am offering one back.

I believe in karma and I hope that from doing this, I will reap some reward from putting my best foot forward. I have done a lot of work for no money. Whether it is working on my friend's website recently or doing all of the designs for another mate's bag company, free of charge. I deserve a break of some kind, and if this card speaks of fairness, maybe the time has come for some results.

Card 2: What will greet me? The Fool

The Fool is a card of new beginnings and opportunities of the moment that must be seized. It is a time to follow my heart, trust my natural responses, and engage with spontaneity.

As well as doing a good turn and helping to raise money for children, I can see the other benefits of working in the charity shop. Firstly, it gives me experience. When I am feeling better, I might want to start working in a shop to earn some money. This would give me the experience I do not have in that area. I haven't working in a shop since I was 15. But as well as that, there might be other avenues I could take. As someone who is bright and good with people, could I not work towards managing a shop myself? Alternatively, after today's shift, I have been wondering if I could look into working in merchandising and window dressing. Is this not something that my previous education and work in fashion could support?

While dressing up a torso in a star-print blouse this morning, I was introduced to a man. I didn't have a clue who he was, but smiled and extended my hand. It turned out that he is Donna's boss. He stayed for a few minutes and we chatted. She then pulled him off to look at what I had done with the window display. After he had gone, I thought about The Fool. I remembered the rose and crows in the illustration. The rose represents the unfolding of something new and the crows which sweep over the moonlit sky have their sights on new horizons. Could this chance meeting have an influence on my future working life?

Card 3: Outcome? 8 of Grails

This really is a lovely card. I think that it is the green colouring that does it for me. The figure in this card makes the decision to follow the voice of his soul. Behind him, we can see the winding road that he has chosen, and in the distance, are the ruins of a cathedral. The building represents something in the past which has been contaminated or poisoned. It is a place of hurt, hopelessness, and disappointment.

When I look at the cathedral, I think of my work as a designer. I am sick to death of banging my head against the wall. I wasted three and a half months on that interview process for Debenhams and spent days completing fifteen pages of portfolio work for them. Not to mention the two interviews in London. I did the same for Ben Sherman. The agents told me that they loved what I had created and that it was on the money, but they may as well have packed up and moved to another country, because I have not heard anything from them since. And they are not the only ones who can't be bothered to respond to my mails or calls. Tell me! How much more of this could you take? For now, I think it might be time to abandon the fight. I know I am skilled and have talent. But I am just frustrated by trying and getting nowhere.

The character in this card has had enough too and has decided to withdraw from what is draining him. One of the details that I did notice is his crown. He has chosen to hold on to this. As a positive message, I think that this hints at my using some of my previous skills on a new and different journey. As I have already mentioned, I could take my creative streak into a new line of work - be that some kind of teaching or styling.

The 8 of Grails is about searching for something that is missing. While I have been running myself into the ground looking for a design job, my confidence and self-worth has shriveled up and died. This last card suggests that I am on a mission to go and find it again.

Illustrations from The Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels

Doing My Bit

Even though I had second thoughts about trading my warm duvet for an early morning trip to work in the charity shop, yesterday's card was on my mind, so I was up and dressed in time to get there for 9. The pavements were still a bit icy and I slipped a few times on my way.

Once there, the manageress seemed eager to keep me out on the shop floor. There were a handful of people out the back. Some were sorting through donations and others were steam cleaning the clothes. But I am happier out the front with the customers, fiddling with the displays, and putting the new items out. Knowing I am creative, Donna, the manageress, asked if I would have a go at doing the Christmas window.

Getting the window together was more difficult than I had expected. Not least of all because there is so little room in it. Don't get me wrong. It is a pretty sizable shop window. But once you have the mannequins, Christmas trees, and all of the other stuff in it, there is little room to do much else. For most of the time that I was trying to display stuff, I could do little more than bend, crouch, and crawl about on the floor. Without a belt on my jeans, I think I must have displayed a little more than I was had intended to the people passing by. It's just as well that I was wearing decent underwear.

I managed to pull together a Christmas scene with presents under the biggest of the three trees, but it was the mannequins which bothered me the most when I stepped outside to take a look. With snow on the ground outside, the male was dressed for high summer on the French Riviera. One of the two boy mannequins, sporting camouflage trousers and black hooded puffer jacket, looked as though he was off to either vandalise your car or rob your granny. And worst of all, the female was wearing a mint green dress, somewhere between flamenco and cocktail. Ghastly was not the word, so I asked Donna if I could re-dress the lot. She said that she was happy for me to give it a whole new look. The male soon lost his shades and was transformed into festive party attire. The boy was then wrapped up in a trendy pair of baggy jeans, jumper, and scarf. And the out of date female dummy at the end quickly wriggled into a chic little deep red and black dress, which she now wears with a tied at the waist mack, trilby, and flashy shoulder bag. She's moved on. She's now an on-trend girl-about-town.

Today's card is The Sun. This is one of the cards that encouraged me to buy the Tarot of the Vampyres. It really is quite beautiful. And I must admit to finding the male demon quite attractive. There is no mention of it in the accompanying book, but he looks very much like the character in the 8 of Knives.

This card is never unwelcome, since it brings warmth to all situations. For today, it lightened my mood and gave me something to feel good about. Even though I was very tired when I eventually got home and slept for a good few hours, working in the shop this morning brought me some self-worth. I wasn't earning money, but I was giving something back to the universe and thanking it for all of the support it has given me. When my boyfriend gets here this evening, I won't feel bad that he has been out working all day, because I have done my bit too. Working at the charity shop today has got my mind working a little and has given me a few ideas for the future. I did a reading last night, which is in line with these new thoughts. I will try and post it later.

We have another house viewing this evening. They should be here in ten minutes. We had one on Saturday, but as usual, nothing came of it. The couple wanted to buy a house to rent out, but we have not had any feedback. This has been going on for over a year now. I am hoping that today's card might lend some of it's rays to the selling of our property, so that we can finally move on.

Illustration from the Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels

On the Move

After yesterday's card of inner strength and will, today's daily card, The Chariot, takes that determination into the physical realm. The charioteer aims his arrow at a target. He knows exactly where he is going and has a plan.

I didn't sleep well last night, and when I awoke this morning, my joints ached. I didn't get up straight away and slept that little bit longer. Rather than put myself under any pressure today, I have decided that I will go into work tomorrow for the early shift. I need to get into the routine of getting up earlier, so will be there for 9. This is my plan and my arrow has been drawn. My work at the charity shop is the first step to getting better and into paid employment again. You never know. There may even be paid opportunities within the charity that I can take advantage of after being there for a while. I haven't heard back from the interviewer at Age Concern who didn't make it last week. I haven't heard from either of the other two jobs I applied for through the volunteer bureau either. They have both been chased once. And the fashion agent who I put my site together for has not responded to my emails. As a deserving cause and a project to get me back on my feet, it would make sense to aim my arrow at the Children's Trust charity shop until the new year.

The Chariot is a card of decisive action. Sometimes, I see the vehicle as our body. It is ruled by the king who drives it. It is he who motivates us and throws orders at the beast (which is made up of panther, wolf, serpent, and crow) in the front. I have not felt particularly motivated of late. So much so, that projects I was inspired by have slipped into a rut and I haven't felt like resurrecting them. This card advises me to concentrate on one goal and charge towards it. It's a journey that I know deep down I can make.

The snow is clearing a little more with every hour. Like many, my boyfriend has gone back to work after a week of not being able to get there. Even though a little icy, the roads are clearing and transport seems to be on the move again. I am hoping that this is symbolic of my life too. The Chariot carves a path out after disruption of some kind. After yesterday's card, the 9 of Sceptres, I am hoping that my trip towards what I want may begin to get easier soon.

Illustration from The Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels

Throwing Myself Towards the Finishing Line

Today's card is a welcome one. When I first began to learn the tarot, I always found this card hard to interpret. These days, I see it as that last hurdle before promising results. In this illustration, the vampyress is throwing herself towards the finishing line and is refusing to give up. She carries the flame of resolve and inner strength. She has received a knock or two already, but she keeps going.

This card makes me think of my fatigue. After walking quite a bit in the last few days, I went for a short walk today. My boyfriend wanted to buy my Christmas present and my dad asked us to pick up some bits for Sunday lunch. The snow has cleared a lot since yesterday, so walking wasn't as difficult, but I do think that I am building up strength, the more that I do. As difficult as it has been at times, I am working through my fatigue and the 9 of Scepters is clarification of this.

My boyfriend's parents came over to collect him in the late afternoon. They stopped for two cups of tea and a chat. It was nice to have them here for a change, since they have invited us to their home more often. Once they all left, I came up here to my room and snuggled up in my duvet, watching television. I spoke with a friend for an hour or so online. He also has an interest in tarot, so we were discussing different decks and cards in the pack that we have difficulty in interpreting. He has gone now, so with the interest in conserving strength for the next hurdle, I will be off to bed too.

Illustration from The Tarot of the Vampyes by Ian Daniels

The End of the Snow?

My boyfriend finally made it over yesterday. He caught two buses and it took him just over an hour. Once he had got to town, I got myself ready and went to meet him, where we then walked on to my friend's house. I had already spent the day with her, but we had parted a few hours earlier, so that she could tidy up her house for her evening guests and I wanted to rest for a bit. After my walk back from the charity shop the evening before, my body still ached, and my first walk of yesterday was tough. Especially in the snow. It actually made me a little emotional, as not being able to do what I want can be hard to accept. Sometimes, my body feels like a car which is running out of petrol and needs a trip to the mechanic. Having said this, when I went to meet my boyfriend in the evening, the walk was not quite so difficult. Maybe I am just getting used to it.

My friend had some wine left from the last time we were there, so we added to that. She invited some other friends around and we all stayed in and chatted. Everyone was good company and it was a nice grouping. I did a very little tarot reading while there, which produced some interesting predictions, which played out over the next 24 hours. Rather than face the quick-forming ice that night, my boyfriend and I stayed in her spare room, and when we got up the next day, four of us went out for breakfast. By that point, the snow had disappeared from the roofs of the cars. It looks as though the bad weather from the last week is beginning to thaw. And not before time. The rest of today has been quiet. I finally got around to making a second cushion cover for my mum and dad's bed, using some cheap linen I had found last week.

The World is a card of completion and it makes sense for it to fall into today. Mainly due to the weather, I'd say. I am hoping that we have seen the last of the snow for a bit and everyone can get back to normal. My boyfriend and I ended up cancelling going for lunch at my old school friend's house in Bromley tomorrow. I had been looking forward to seeing her, so it is a bit of a shame. Even though the snow is melting, he doesn't have his car with him, so we can't reverse the cancellation.

The World closes a situation, but not in a negative way. I am pleased that I have finished my mum's cushion covers, but think that this card also lightly touches on my needing to try something different for my next project, rather than more cushions.

Aside from my inability to get around as much as I would like without getting out of breath or aching, I am happy to have my boyfriend here. I was so happy to see him yesterday and just wanted to hug him. Rather than take the buses back tomorrow, his parents are coming to pick him up. I haven't seen them in nearly two weeks, so I am hoping that they will drop in for a cup of tea with us and my parents. They have not been here before, so that should be nice.

Illustration from the Tarot of the Vampyres by Iain Daniels

A Right to Rest

The snow is still falling, and the path I cleared yesterday, is now covered again. There is little sign of life outside, and if most people have any sense, they are wrapped up warm inside.

I went for my interview with Age Concern yesterday. Well, I made it to their office at least. When I got there, I was told that my interviewer wasn't coming into work today. As much as I can appreciate this, due to the weather, since they all seemed to expect my visit, you'd think one of them would have tried to call and stop me from trudging through the snow for half an hour to see her. Worse than that, not one of the three women in the office apologised or even sympathised with the wasted journey I had had. With no emotion, one of them gave me a form to fill in and sent me on my way, not even saying goodbye.

My boyfriend is still working from home and we haven't seen each other since Monday. It seems that this is the story for many people. I just got an email from a friend, saying that a mutual mate has been stranded at her mothers with her new baby, and hasn't been able to drive back to her husband and daughter for a couple of days. I miss seeing my boyfriend. I don't think we have spent this long apart since we got together. We had planned to do stuff at the weekend, but as things are, I guess they will all be cancelled. It is beginning to look unlikely that I will even get to see him by then, let alone do the things we'd planned on doing together. As each day becomes covered in another layer of snow, I am missing him more.

After yesterday's disappointment, I went to see another charity this afternoon to do a four hour voluntary stint in their shop. I was met with a very different response. They thanked me for coming, especially in the bad weather, and were all really friendly. The age-range and reason for people being there was mixed, but everyone seemed to gel well. Once they discovered that I had a flair for the displays, the manageress gave me a free rein and I started displaying their things in colour and theme. I think I have watched far too many episodes of Mary Queen of Shops to not put what I have learnt into action. The manageress told me that if that is my strength, she'll happily let me loose on that side of things. After the four hours, she said that she would be grateful if I would come back again, which I said I would.

Even though I was a little tired when I left, I wasn't prepared for how much the walk home would take out of me. There were no buses running, so I had to do the journey in the snow. Walking that far with chronic fatigue is bad enough normally, but in six inches of snow, it was awful. I couldn't help but walk slowly and just wasn't able to up my speed. Every part of me ached, and now that I am at home, I know that it won't be long before I drop off to sleep. I had wanted to make another cushion cover for my mum this evening, but right now, I just don't have it in me. I can feel every muscle and bone in my legs and my eyes are heavy. However, for once, I feel that I deserve to rest.

Visually, today's card, the Courir Le Mardi Gras, is one of my favourites. I love the contrast of the cool blue and warm orange, the dark and spiky trees and plants, and the chicken falling from the sky. I can almost hear it squawk. The illustration depicts a traditional part of the Mardi Gras festivities. Mardi Gras in rural Southwestern Louisiana draws on traditions that are centuries old. Revelers go from house to house begging to obtain the ingredients for a communal meal. They wear costumes that conceal their identity and that also parody the roles of those in authority. They escape from ordinary life partly through the alcohol many consume in their festive quest, but even more through the roles they portray. As they act out their parts in a wild, gaudy pageant, they are escaping from routine existence, freed from the restraints that confine them every other day in the year.

The Traditional Cajun Country Mardi Gras, the Mardi Gras courir or run was found in most French sections of Louisiana in the nineteenth century. As they went from one household to the next, the riders engaged in a rowdy celebration that, with the civilizing influences of the twentieth century, some towns decided to suppress. It is those riders that we can see in this card. Farmers climb on to their own roof, holding a chicken. The chicken is then thrown up into the air, as shown in this card, which is then fought over by the riders. A little like the barbaric sport of fox hunting we unfortunately have in this country. The winner is the rider who breaks the chickens neck and hangs the bird from his saddle. I never noticed one of the horse's nostrils in the right corner of this illustration before, but I can see it now.

For those who can relate to the traditional Devil in tarot, there is a recognisable horned figure on top of the roof. From what I have researched here, I am making a guess that he is one of the farm owners who has dressed up in an obscure costume for the festivities and has just tossed his chicken up in the air. The horns he wears reminds me of the card's link to temptation, even though generally, the card has a strong leaning to our wild side.

Usually, I feel guilty for kicking back and doing nothing. Rather than relax and watch television or nap, I feel that I must be working on a design or looking for work, but since I have been working this afternoon, despite not earning any money, I feel as though I can have a cup of tea and do no more than watch Emmerdale and read. I see this card as one of letting go and not being constricted by what other people expect me to do. You never know. I might push the boat out and have a couple of chocolate biscuits. There's nothing like living on the edge, is there!

Illustration from The New Orleans Voodoo Tarot by Sallie Ann Glasman