Wilt

It is almost midday. I got back here from my boyfriend's around 8.30 this morning, feeling less than myself. I had wondered if I was due a hit of fatigue last week as I felt as though I was dragging on my last days of school, but with Friday to Monday feeling alright, I wasn't quite expecting it to come crashing down on me as it has today. I was meant to have a day of tea and tarot with my friend but cancelled that as soon as I got back this morning, knowing that I would be spending the last three or four hours asleep. Not that the rest has done me much good. I still feel exhausted and my eyesight has gone all blurry.

I was expecting something like The Tower (as an unexpected meltdown) or the 4 of Butterflies (indicating rest) today, but instead, I am greeted with The Lovers. At first, you might look at them and think 'get a room!', but what really makes sense for me at the moment is the way in which the man looks as though he is holding the woman up. He is supporting her as she wilts in front of him. Look at how his fingers interlace at the front as he becomes her frame. I feel a little like this woman today -limp, like a dress on a coat hanger.

The Lovers is traditionally about choice, and while sitting on the train, I made one. I am not taking on anything more socially for the next few months. This is to help my finances, as much as my health. My boyfriend and I are staying up North until Tuesday, as we have a wedding to go to. We have a family party the weekend afterwards and are visiting my pregnant friend the next day. From then on, we also have an 18th birthday party to attend, an anniversary meal, and another wedding to go to near the coast. It is all a bit much for me to comprehend. When asked to go to a private view at a gallery and spend another Sunday at a charity event for Richard, despite my interest in both things, I have had to say 'No'. I really need some time out and must think about what is best for me. I am taking a step back from the big evenings out and those who drain my energy.

In terms of the charity fundraiser for Richard, I don't have to attend to donate. I saw the first photograph of him in his hospital bed last night. My friend was on the news speaking from Bali, where he and Richard's girlfriend are at his brother's bedside. Despite the funds already raised, it would seem that they still need £90,000 to bring him home and give him the treatment he needs. It really is such a sad story. I was reading an article online a couple of days ago and found it very moving. However, you would not believe the nasty and flippant comments that some strangers have left beneath it. It upset me to notice that Richard's girlfriend had seen them. Some people are so up for voicing their opinions that they leave their sensitivity at the door.

I am laying on my bed with my keyboard and a cup of tea. My boyfriend is staying home to pack up for our weekend, so I don't have to move or worry about entertaining him this evening. I can just be, which is exactly what I plan on doing.


Illustration from The Favole Tarot by Victoria Frances