Holding Back for the Unexpected

I really enjoyed the weekend. After a Friday night in on our own with food and the first series of Prime Suspect, our friend drove down to see us from Birmingham around lunchtime on Saturday. We try to take it in turns to visit and had last been up to see her at Christmas time. She said that spending time with us and getting away from things was just what she needed, but I think it also did us some good too. Neither my relationship with my boyfriend or his friendship with her dominates when we are all together. We are simply three mates having a good time. In terms of all the people my boyfriend has introduced me to, she is the benchmark. We hit it off as soon as we met and is a very good friend to him.

We met with friends on Saturday evening in the pub. I had been feeling tired before we went and was a little worried about how much of the evening I'd manage, but it ended up becoming a chilled night. On the Sunday, we drove to a large shopping centre, which was equally relaxed and undemanding. After our friend set off this morning, my boyfriend and I went in search of a printer. I had done a little research, but still wasn't particularly sure what I was after until we hit the stores. After my televisual briefing from Channel 4's 'The Secret Shopper' with Mary Portas, I left PC World due to a lack of good customer service, and went in search of my product elsewhere.

The Pentacles in tarot can symbolise those things in the physical realm. Sometimes they touch on my health, and in other situations, they symbolise money. Looking at today's card, the 4 of Pentacles could represent either. In this illustration the faerie looks at all that she has accumulated - she has woven-baskets full of berries, which she can save for harder times in the Winter. This really makes me think. What do I need to conserve for times which might be rougher than they are now? By Winter, work may not be as fluid as it is at the moment and I will need to hold some of my earnings back for tax.

Strength can be a hint to keep our animal desires in check. In this case, it is suggesting that I put a leash on my wallet and don't allow myself to spend more than I can afford. Today's purchase was bought from Christmas money so that doesn't count, but over the last week or so, I have indulged in paying for stuff I might not have beforehand. I see nothing wrong with treating myself to the odd this or that, as long as I hold back some money for unexpected events. I will need to spend money on getting to work when my two jobs begin. Similarly, the cards might consider the conserving of energy and physical strength before this time.

On our walk to the taxi office on Saturday night, we passed the window of my charity shop. If it had looked awful before, it was at it's very worst on Saturday, piled high with junk. My girl mannequin was laughably dressed in a GAP hoodie and fake pearl necklace, but it was the tiers of old board games, dirty teddies, and out-of-date kids annuals which annoyed me the most. It made me even more determined to not do their window again, since it feels as though someone is actually laughing in my face. Has my creative touch ruffled a few feathers or stood on a few toes? So much so that someone wishes to sabotage what I have done?


Illustration from The Mystic Faerie Tarot by Linda Ravenscroft

Me Against the World

Within The Mystic Faerie Tarot, I'd say I have found my favourite High Priestess. Hers is such a calming image. The palette of different greens helps me to tune out, relax, and quieten my thoughts. She is soft and gentle and I love the feathers in her hair. Apparently, they are from birds which impart secret knowledge to only those who are willing to listen.

This Priestess sits back, closes her eyes, and clears her mind, for she wishes to hear the messages from within the sphere she holds. She is feminine and the veins within her dress link her to the plants she sits in front of. In contrast, The Emperor sits forward, eyes wide open, and stares at us. He is masculine and has his feet firmly set on his stone throne. Notice that he wears shoes. These are man-made and symbolise his connection to industry and social convention. I am guessing that there is no natural need for them in the world of the fae.

In a way, these two characters remind me of my boyfriend and I. He reacts to the world around him far more than I do, since he is out in it every day. I am more tuned in to my own intuitive and internal path like The Priestess. And these two energies are where the contrast lays in this draw. All morning, I have been aware that there are things which I need to get on with, but my head has been foggy and my eyes near to closing all day. I want to disappear into my inner world, rather than make contact with the outer one.

Looking at these two characters on the cloth in front of me, I can't imagine them getting along as well as my boyfriend and I do. Deep in meditation and stillness, the Priestess relies on the truths she finds deep within her subconscious. On the other hand, The Emperor perches on the edge of his seat. He reacts to the external world about him and probably doesn't have time for what he would probably call her 'airy-fairy nonsense'. This is a relationship which I have been in for a while; me against a world that I don't really feel part of or want to conform to. Don't get me wrong, I have tried to chase the dreams I was encouraged to time and again, in the hope of becoming like everyone else. I think it was those few hits and many misses which sent me falling into this spiral of stress and ill health. Sometimes, the world around us is relentless and will just not let us be.

For today, there is a fight between doing a little of my freelance work or curling up on my bed, closing my eyes, and leaving it until after the weekend, when I hopefully feel better. For now, it's me and my bed against the expectations of the world outside.



Illustration from The Mystic Faerie Tarot by Linda Ravenscroft

Wipe Out

I have never really liked getting The Star in readings as I have not always known what to do with her, but these days, there is something comforting about having her come and sit with me for a day. She is cooling and refreshing. For this draw, she is the stillness of my bedroom and the comfort of friends.

As with most Thursdays, I travelled home on the train from my boyfriend's this morning. I needed to go to the post office and run a few other errands so thought I'd do it on my way back. Since my train came in way before the shops opened, I took a slow walk around the back of town so that I could have a look at my charity shop window. Since I was there a day ago, the rubbish has leaped back onto the window sill and now fills every inch of floor space - old teddies, a Morcambe and Wise biography, those vile and tasteless dolls with more than a generous head of hair, and just about anything else that probably came through the door in the last twenty-four hours - all fighting for attention. It looks a mess, and once again, I felt disrespected. As a friend suggested, I might take my interest elsewhere and enquire about window-dressing and merchandising jobs on the high street. Could this be the next viable step on my journey?

Just before coming home, I ran into a guy. He had popped into the charity shop when I was working the other day. I recognised his face then, but for the life of me, I couldn't remember where from. I played along, but must have appeared pretty vacant as I tried to cover up my not knowing where I knew him from. Was he a friend of a friend? Was he someone I studied or worked with? Or did I just know him from the pub? I fished about for details but he didn't give much away. He was with his young daughter today and asked if I'd like to go to an auction with them. He is a really friendly guy who is probably about ten years younger than myself, and has an interest in graphics. I went along to the auction room, and by the end of it, found out where it is I know him from. I got him to write down his email address so that we can keep in contact, and it confirmed his identity. He and I studied together at university in London and he was a year below me on the course. As the years pass, the past merges into one big blur. I have met so many people from doing this, that, and the other that it is often hard to place faces and remember names. None of us are getting any younger. It is not that he was unmemorable. It has more to do with the fact that my memory is shot.

After leaving the auction, I decided to walk home rather than catch the bus. It was a decision I ended up regretting. I had thought I would be able to manage it, but by the time I was quarter of the way up the hill, I was almost walking backwards. My joints ached and I was out of breath. When I got half way up, I had to sit on the wall and watch the world go by until I felt I could carry on. By the time I made it home, I was wiped out and pretty much went straight to bed. I slept solidly for about two or three hours. Interestingly, in the accompanying book to The Mystic Faerie Tarot, Barbara Moore says of today's faerie - 'To those weary in body and soul, she promises peace ... The Star brings a time of serene quiet; a safe, cool place where you can be refreshed and find hope. Once you are feeling stronger, she will serve as your guiding star to help you find your way. But first, rest'. This pretty much describes my afternoon, alone in my bedroom.

Amongst the fatigue, there was one thing which pierced today's fog. An online friend has decided to send me a tarot deck which I have wanted for a long time but could not find. It is based on gemstones and crystals. I received her mail this morning when I was on the train, saying she'd send it as an early birthday present, and I am so excited. I have received so many selfless acts of kindness over the years through the tarot and blogging community and have tried to repay the universe by sending things to others as well. Only today, I sent off a one-of-a-kind deck of cards I'd made to a friend overseas. It is the sister-copy to my Instant Oracle. This friend and I have been sending each other gifts for years now. Very recently, she sent me the fabric to make my red and black card bag and a beautiful handmade scarf. It is these things which today's card represents, since they shine light into the darkest of skies.


Illustration from The Mystic Faerie Tarot by Linda Ravenscroft

The Meeting Point

Since I didn't need to get up for anything special this morning, I was wide awake at 7am and couldn't get back to sleep. Isn't that just typical, after having to drag myself up yesterday to go to work! I had woken from what seemed to be a long, long dream, where I had been viewing a massive house with Mary Portas. I am sure that this has something to do with my time in the charity shop yesterday, since she did a series on the BBC where she tried to revamp one in Orpington. Every time she returned, she was met with the same kind of problems that I have - other volunteers loading up the displays with clutter and rubbish. When I got home yesterday, I looked for my shop online. My jaw dropped when I found references to it; labelling it as the flagship store. It would seem that when the shop was opened, the windows and inside displays were it's strength. Maximising on vintage and designer clothes, they were fashion-conscious, fun, and didn't look like the kind of window you'd see on a charity shop. I can't understand how it has fallen from boutique to boot fair and the slip has annoyed me all the more. Someone worked very hard on it's initial image, and now that that particular chief has gone, the indians have run her work into the ground.

I always find myself returning to The Mystic Faerie Tarot. When I initially saw the scans online, I thought it would be insipid and bland, but in the hand, it always feels meaty, despite the refined lines and tones in Linda Ravencroft's paintings. It is cards like Death in today's draw which pull me back - I love the deep plum colouring of the faerie's wings and the way in which the artist has managed to successfully mix such striking subject matter with a large dose of sensitivity. Can you see how the faerie gently touches the scull with her right hand?

I look at this particular Ace of Wands as a meeting point. This is kind of how it is viewed in Barbara Moore's accompanying book - it is a place where faerie folk gather to discuss new adventures and the fiery stone at the tip of the wand commands their focus. When looked at in this way, we can see how the card can be a motivator for enthusiasm, passion, and excitement for the future. However, in this case, Death brings our excitement to a close in some way. Even if it does pain her to do so, her touch brings an end to our flame of passion and the adventure we wished to plan.

This brings my mind back to the charity shop. There was such a vibrant energy to the words I read and pictures I saw. I can imagine the woman in charge of opening it sitting at the meeting point and deciding how to take it forward and inject it with new life. But this life has slowly become weaker with the infestation of apathy and a lack of care. You could imagine it wilting under the fluttering of Death's beautiful plum wings.

So what do we do with these cards today? I would like to say that the single glowing wand is still important and that new plan and adventure could live again once more, but since I am not in the shop that often and revamping it seems to be a never-ending struggle, I think I have lost the will and focus to combat it all by myself. Under the present circumstances, it could very likely be me who rips down the meeting point and decides to not waste any more of my energy on going the extra mile for this particular project. There are other things I do which are appreciated and not destroyed. I only hope that the girl-about-town can forgive me.


Illustrations from The Mystic Faerie Tarot by Linda Ravenscroft

A New Day

This is a nice depiction of The Star, since it incorporates the debris of past catastrophes. Chronologically in the tarot cards, it would be the rubble of the lightning-struck Tower that we see at this angel's feet, but as the cards are dealt on my blog, it shows a sprinkle of hope, enthusiasm, and new energy after feeling so wiped-out yesterday. This woman brings a new day with her; light after darkness.

I woke up several times in the night not wanting to go to work in the morning, but I purposely sent a message to the manageress at the charity shop last night, telling her that I would be in, because I knew I'd end up feeling that way. Once I was up, drinking tea and eating toast, I was alright. As usual, once I was there, it didn't bother me.

Time flies pretty quickly at the charity shop as there is always something to do; not least of all, the shop window. Once again in my absence, the other volunteers had gone to town on it and it looked worse than I had ever seen it before. I couldn't believe that this was how the manageress and those who run the charity were happy to show their company to the public. It looked as though someone had misplaced the window for the local tip and had dumped their rubbish straight into it. And what of my favourite 'girl-about-town' mannequin? Well, she was dressed in a nasty cheap white blouse (tied in a knot at the waist) with a dodgy stone-wash denim jacket over her shoulders and a pair of ill-fitting jeans. With tasteless and scratched silver junk-jewellery hung round her neck like tinsel on a Christmas tree, I could almost feel her shivering in shame.

To be quite honest, I was annoyed. The other volunteers know that they are not supposed to be shoving everything around the window-sill like that, and unless they are either blind or don't really care, must be able to see that it looks a mess. They have seen me pull out all of the rubbish enough times now to realise. Maybe they do it simply to bug me.

It took about half an hour to clear the window of all the junk - none of it made any sense together and some of it was fit for no more than the bin. Someone had bunged a hat on the male mannequin which I am still not sure isn't a lamp-shade. That and many other bits of old toot were dragged out and re-homed elsewhere in the shop. I got to my 'girl-about-town' as quickly as I could, stripping her of her naff denim-on-denim nightmare, and redressing her in a simple black dress, jacket, shades, and an extra-thick belt I found to tie everything together. Maybe the character in The Star is me, bringing a little sparkle to the wreckage of the charity shop window.

The afternoon is edging it's way towards evening. Being up early and on my feet all day has worn me out, but it is a good feeling. I left the charity shop a few hours ago. The other volunteers have probably already started stuffing the window with teddies, cheap and nasty plastic dolls, and bashed up Doctor Who videos, but for now, I feel satisfied with what I did today. This kind of work does feed your soul, even if it doesn't feed your pocket.


Illustration from The Legacy of the Divine Tarot by Ciro Marchetti

Under the Covers with the Prince of Fire

This guy never seems to leave me alone.

I woke around 8am this morning, but my eyes were so heavy that I rolled over and went straight back to sleep. I opened them again around 9, but my body felt like a dead battery. I realised that it was going to be another one of those days where I wouldn't feel up to much, so stayed in bed for over an hour more. When The Devil turns up with his tanned physique and rippling muscles, it's hard to not let him slip under the duvet to cuddle up for an hour or two. For today, this card is about the temptation of tiredness and the desire to skip the things I had planned to do. The hour-glass in the picture has been turned on it's side, suspending movement as we take a couple of steps backward.

I eventually kicked The Devil from my bed and started to clean my room. How ever often I do this, it is almost as if I never have before, since the dust seems to pile up so quickly. With the bed changed, the computer table swung to a new position, and all of the bits and bobs removed from the places where they were not supposed to be, I can now sit back in my nice clean space and ... listen to the absolute racket that is coming from next door's garden. Yup, it is half-term again and the last four hours have been filled with yelps and spine-tingling screams from Dumb, Dumber, and their friends. Does the handsome devil in this card possess a pea-shooter? Now there's a temptation just waiting to be acted on.



Illustration from The Legacy of the Divine Tarot by Ciro Marchetti

Face-Lift

When I was in my early teens, Sunday's often meant going out and doing something. I always used to bug my parents to take me somewhere. As a kid, one of my favourite Sunday morning activities was being taken to East Lane market. Even though I liked the conventional stalls, the main market eventually wound into small alleyways at it's end, where people sold second-hand goods on the pavement. That was where the real magic was for me. Armed with only my pocket money, the make-shift stalls were a treasure-trove of books, old magazines, and counterfeit pop cassettes. I think that this was where my love of boot fairs and flea markets was born.

Sundays are quite different now. There is less to do here than when I lived in South London, but aside from that, it is quite nice to slob about with my boyfriend, read, or watch television. We are doing just that now. The football is on in the background, which I actually don't mind. I'd rather that than cartoons or soaps to be honest. This has something to do with the combination of the first two cards in today's draw. The Garden is about recreation and spending time with one another. When coupled with the central card, the House, we are informed of our location. Even though I considered going out to find a printer as a replacement for my returned Christmas present, I don't see us moving from the bedroom today.

When merged with the last card, the House takes on a different meaning. With the Key, something is resolved or is successful and it could have something to do with buying property. The whole house selling thing was put on the back-burner before Christmas. The agents were having no luck and it looked as though it was going to prove too expensive. My parents are in the process of giving downstairs a lick of paint and freshening everywhere up. Because we are used to how it looked down there before, we might not have been able to experience it in the same way as potential buyers. Mum and Dad are hoping to put it on the market with another estate agent after they have given it it's face-lift.


Illustrations from The Mystical Lenormand by Urban Trösch

Mr Compassionate

Last night was good. I met my boyfriend and his mates in a bar after work. Because I had seen photos and had heard so many stories, it felt as though I already knew them. They were a friendly bunch, so I hope I made a good impression.

Before meeting them, I made my way straight to The Kabbalah Centre in Bond Street. I had checked the times online and it said on their website that it closed at 5, but when I got there just after 3.30, I realised that they had shut early. I needed a few bits, so was disappointed. It's not easy to get there as I am not in London much these days, so I did a brave thing and called them up, telling them that I was outside. To my surprise, the guy inside opened up for me and let me in. And when his credit-card machine didn't work, he waited for me to pop out and go to a cash dispenser. After watching Mary Portas's series on customer service, I'd say that this guy ticked every box.

I dawdled through Oxford Street afterwards and aimed for a shop on the border of Soho, called Play Lounge. I like to pop in when walking that way, as they sometimes have interesting playing cards. They didn't have many in there yesterday, but they did have the PicTarot, which I had already seen on a friend's blog. Due to using the Personal Prophesy method at the moment, the deck will suit both that and conventional tarot readings. I can either remove the major cards or use them, as I do with other tarock decks.

My boyfriend and I spent this morning at his parent's house. His sister had had pains in her chest throughout the night, so with her off at hospital, we waited in with her three children. When we found out that she was alright, we came back here and ate. After being out yesterday, we have done very little this evening. Saturday evening television reminds me of why I spent so many of my weekends out over the last twenty-odd years. Are there any programmes on which don't feature Jamie Oliver or Harry bloody Hill?

Today's cards feature a man; the King of Hearts. He looks towards me and we share some kind of communication and tears. I am guessing that these tears could be my own, but as I write, I cannot place them. This might be because the cards only suggest that the potential is there. I would consider this man to be either my father, boyfriend, or someone who I am emotionally attached to. For some reason, I am intuitively thinking of my friend, Sam. Whether the insight from this reading manifests or not, this king has the potential to either slice open my emotions or possibly comfort me in time of upset. I see the option of support and compassion being offered in this trio.



Illustrations from The Ghost Deck by Bicycle

A Me Day

For someone who has been able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat during the day, I have had a real tough time getting my head down at bedtime recently. Last night was the second in a row where I tossed and turned for hours, my mind as fresh and awake as could be, thinking about tarot card designs, sewing, and things from the very distant past. I just couldn't close down, which then ends up with me feeling even more tired this morning.

I have branded today as a me day. Here's the plan - breakfast, a bath, and time to get ready slowly, before taking the train into London. I'll bring a book for the journey - possibly The Spiritual Rules of Engagement by Yehuda Berg. I have been putting that off for a while, but am considering getting it for a friend's birthday, so think I should read it before. It's about how to search for your soul mate; or rather, how to help them find you. My friend always seems to pick disastrous men, so I thought she might find it a help, or at least interesting from a psychological viewpoint.

I haven't wandered around London by myself for a while. Probably not since my interview for a children's wear design job at Debenhams last year. I like spending time there alone. Usually, I would pop into the book stores on Charing Cross Road, visit Cecil Court, and then go and see the lady on the tarot counter in Mysteries in Covent Garden. I have been visiting her for years. We talk tarot decks and pull out all of the new releases onto the table. I am not sure if I will have time to go and see her today. Our chats usually run over half an hour and I haven't afforded myself that much time before going to meet my boyfriend in the city. I will probably take a slow walk down Oxford Street and will definitely spend some time at the Kabbalah Centre.

The 7 of Clubs is back again. I was talking with someone about this card the other day and she suggested that in readings which do not lean towards relationships and sex, it could describe someone thinking of their needs alone and not caring about the welfare of those around them. I find this an interesting way of looking at it as it gives the card's interpretation a broader spectrum to work with. The emphasis of kabbalah is to try and kill the ego and put others first, so this could be alerting us to a time where either we or someone else is behaving selfishly. When connected with the 4 of Diamonds, lies are told. For today, I would guess that someone is telling me an untruth for their own selfish gain. The 2 of Spades brings about complete change as a result of this.

As with yesterday, I am not sure where these cards lay. This makes them all the more important. Someone is lying to me for their own good and a situation is changed because of it. This is something I will look out for. Is it connected to the queen from yesterday? I have her card stood up on my bookshelf and she still doesn't look particularly happy. Lying might be her way of breaking the arrangement I already discussed.

Part of me is excited about taking the train. When the weather is nicer, I love zipping through the countryside with the window open a little; listening to the noise of the carriage chugging along and feeling the breeze breathing around my hair. Another part of me could curl up in my duvet again right now, feeling that it is all too much bother. This is one of those moments where I need to try my best to jump into action. For now, that means running a bath. I spend a lot of time telling people to appreciate the moment, but often, that is my biggest obstacle. Instead of siting here drifting off into the now, I need to picture myself on that train, leaving the country and cutting my way into the red-brick landscape of the city. I have spent too much of this week laying here.


Illustrations from The Ghost Deck by Bicycle

Mulling over The Queen

When I first began to read cards, I would become frustrated if I could not instantly locate what it was that they were driving at; who is that King of Spades and why do the cards around him not make sense to me right now? With time, I have learnt to appreciate that not knowing straight away is often part of their beauty. Who wants to be told about something they already know? This is a question that I have always put to paying clients when they told me that the cards were not making instant sense. Would you not rather be given some clues or foresight about those things that had not yet happened, rather than be told about those things which have?

Today's cards are like that. I am not entirely sure who the Queen of Spades is at this moment, but I am sure I will soon figure it out. There are a few women who she could very well be. What is important in this draw is that she is not interested in me at the moment, since she turns to look the other way (for those not familiar with this method, I perceive the cards from the left). Between her and I is some kind of disappointment which relates to an agreement we had with one another. I am guessing that this has been broken, or if not yet, she is less interested in it now than she was. This is the kind of information I want to know about, because it could prevent me from banging my head against the wall in the near future. I must say that this queen does look a tad stroppy in these cards.

I held out from sleep for most of today. I journeyed back from my boyfriend's early this morning, but despite being tired, I went straight into town; starting off alone in a cafe having a cup of tea and something to eat, and then meeting up with a friend for a wander. After leaving her, I went to get my hair cut and bought a few bits and pieces; I want to make a good impression if I meet my boyfriend's work mates tomorrow.

When I got home, I set about the pouch for my runner and cards. I was worried that the cloth would get damaged if left loose in my bag, so I used the last of the two fabrics to make a lined pouch to carry the lot in. After the sewing machine was put away, I took a lay down. I slept for a few hours straight.

Today hasn't been about anything remarkable. It's been pretty matter of fact. At this moment, I am mulling over the Queen of Spades, wondering where she will pop up in my life. In essence, I can see that she is soon to disappoint, or at least, the potential is there for her to at the moment. I shall keep my eyes open for her as the days go on. The 5 of Clubs has been a visitor for my last three draws, so this must be a situation that I am already aware of or which has some importance.



Illustrations from The Ghost Deck by Bicycle

Show and Tell

After receiving my friend's package from overseas, I wasn't sure what to do with the swatches of lovely fabric that she sent me. One in particular, in a blackcurrant and black, is so beautiful that I didn't want to waste it. I kept unravelling it over my bed, thinking of what I might use it for. Eventually, I started laying the Bicycle Ghost Deck on it for readings and realised how handsome the two looked together. It was then that I decided I'd make some kind of card runner to use with the deck. I go to my boyfriend's every Wednesday and the cards bounce about on whichever patterned duvet he has, which leaves my readings quite unfocused. Up until now, I have not yet found a spread cloth which has felt right, so I have never really used one.



With the swatches was a dark fabric. I actually chose to use it's wrong side, which has a nice stormy feel to it, as the backing for my runner. I cut them both to size, pressed a centimetre of each inside so that it was flush, and top-stitched the two together in black. As well as making it reversible, it also gives it some weight. I am sure you will agree that it looks lovely. It measures 72 x 27 cm and will easily accommodate the playing card spreads I have used. I haven't read publicly for a while, but I think this will look really professional when taken out, whether it is used on a nice Victorian dining table or a kitchen counter. I still have some of both swatches of fabric left, but as I don't have time today, I intend to make a pouch that will be big enough for it and a deck of playing cards tomorrow. I think it will look nice if secured with a fancy button.

The Lull

Interestingly, two of last night's cards have turned up this morning, making this another trio which is dominated by clubs. When I see a reading full of clubs like this, I think of action. I think of things beginning to move with a new and excited energy.

For today, the words that I affixed to the cards were 'communication', 'desire', and 'mutual'. Even though the 7 of Clubs is primarily a card of sexual attraction, I don't think that this interpretation is appropriate to all readings. Therefore, when a question is motivated by business or work, then it takes the shape of simple desire or a connection which has not yet been fully cemented in reality. Maybe you could say that real commitment has not been made or someone is yet to put their money where their mouth is. When fused with the 5 of Clubs, the 7 of Clubs becomes 'mutual desire', suggesting that an agreement is in motion but has not yet been shaken on. The Ace of Clubs brings the other two cards to our door in some way, since it is a card of communication.

I still haven't heard from either agents regarding meeting or a contract for the illustrative work, but I have been emailing with Deborah Leigh, who authored the two books on Personal Prophesy. We did make some plans together last year, but with one thing or another, we drifted apart. Life is like that sometimes. Touching base again, I wonder if today's cards speak of us cementing our desire to work with each other. I would say that the 7 of Clubs, when sitting in between 'communication' and 'an agreement' suggests passion and excitement. At this point, the idea is as exciting as it ever was, but the road forward is not yet marked out. I suggested to Deborah that maybe this is what last night's cards were hinting at.

Just when I am beginning to feel better, I hit the barrier of tiredness. I had been up for three hours this morning and was then hypnotised by sleep again. My boyfriend wants me to come to London on Friday and meet his work mates for the first time. I have told him that I will have to see how I feel. Sometimes, having the luxury of this place to fall back on allows me to rest possibly more than I should, so it might not be a bad thing to aim for. Having somewhere to go can be a bit of a boost, and if I go early, I can drop in on the people at the Kabbalah Centre first and take the visit in my steady stride. I think he would like to introduce me to his friends, and if I am not drinking, the chances of them having a good memory of me is far more likely.

It's funny how things build up. I don't feel so great about myself lately. Especially physically. I can see myself getting older. If I decide to make the trip to meet my boyfriend's friends, maybe a haircut and something new to wear beforehand might help me out of this lull.



Illustrations from The Ghost Deck by Bicycle

3 Cards Before Bed

Just to keep the practice up, I pulled three cards before bed - the Ace of Clubs, 5 of Clubs, and the 6 of Clubs.

The card that sits in the middle of this pull is the 5 of Clubs. It represents some kind of agreement. In this reading, I can see myself shaking hands with someone, as something is arranged. Because the 6 of Clubs sits beside it, I am guessing that this has something to do with work and the workplace. At the moment, I am waiting on a few things regarding work, so this could be the contract for illustration in Broadstairs or the sorting out of a date for a meeting in Hoo. Both regard the workplace and my traveling to meet with staff and agents.

The first card is the Ace of Clubs. This is a card of communication, which leads me to believe that I will hear about one or both of these meet-ups soon.

A couple of years ago, I bought myself some over-sized playing cards to help me with my study of Personal Prophesy. They are quite easy to get in the UK and can be found in novelty gift shops. Each card is around the size of A4 and is pretty sturdy. When I draw my cards for the morning with my normal poker-size pack, I then find the same card from the large deck and stand them up on my shelf. When interpretation comes through, I write specific words on post-it notes and stick them to the cards. For example, I might intuit that the King of Hearts is my boyfriend, so will stick his name to the card's face. For this reading, I added the words 'email', 'confirm', and 'meeting'. The cards then tell a story. The nice thing about this way of studying is that you can pull off the notes and add new ones until you find the right message for that trio. We all work in different ways, but I thought I would mention this here because it can be quite fun and having the cards displayed in such a bold manner means that they are always there for you to refer to throughout the day.

I eventually sewed some more rows onto my patchwork quilt. It wasn't as easy as it looked, as I had to dodge the many feathers, buttons, and blessed cotton reels that people had stuck on. It is now hung over the banister in the hallway. My mother's carpet glistens where more than the odd sticky star has come unstuck and fallen off of the fabric. I wrote to my boyfriend this afternoon and asked him whose stupid bloody idea it was to do this in the first place, and he wrote back and correctly reminded me that it was mine.


Illustrations from The Ghost Deck by Bicycle

Sweet Little Lies

Last night was really nice. I made my boyfriend a home-made steak and kidney pie with new potatoes and steamed vegetables. To give my Valentine Pie that special feel, I cut four hearts out of pastry and decorated the top. It tasted really good, if I do say so myself, and he really enjoyed it, going back for a second slither. He brought dessert and a card for me.

I awoke feeling better than I did yesterday. My hands ache, which I understand is part of the deal with CFS. I first noticed this some months ago, but it has got much worse. Not exactly the thing you want when your main interests are drawing, sewing, and shuffling cards. But aside from that, the fog seems to be clearing a little, even if I am still feeling whacked out.

I answered some emails this morning. One of them was from the agent, asking if I could send some examples of my hand drawing, which I did. The other contracts I signed should be starting up soon and a meeting is in the process of being arranged, so I hope that I can earn a little bit more money in the next few weeks. I have noticed that once a little cash finally enters your bank account, it starts to exit just as quickly. The time has come to start paying off all of those things I couldn't before and there are open hands waiting already.

Today's cards are a bit of a mystery. They show a man. When I draw the King of Diamonds, I often think of someone connected to work or finance; probably someone who has an affect on those areas in my life - possibly an employer. My first thought is that he is someone connected with one of the schools I am either due or hoping to work with. Whether I get the illustration work or not might be down to him. If this is so, the 6 of Hearts would suggest that he is willing to move forward with me. However, the 4 of Diamonds intuits that I am not being entirely honest with him about something. At the moment, I am not sure what this concerns. The cards are sometimes like that; a puzzle waiting to be solved. I remember Deborah Leigh saying that the 4 of Diamonds is a big-time cheating card, but in a daily reading like this, I'd say it's intensity is minimised. Sometimes, we have to tell the odd harmless white lie to get what we want or for things to run smoothly. I cannot think of any reasons why I might need to be dishonest, but I will keep this in mind. All the same, it is nice to know that this king can see a professional future with me.

The sun remains tucked away and the drizzly rain rules. It's not really a day to get excited about. As the minutes tick by, I feel less connected to it, but I am about to get down to some sewing. The quilt I am sewing for the school won't sew itself. Unfortunately.



Illustrations from The Ghost Deck by Bicycle

The Unconditional Valentine

Today's cards look at a relationship. When the 8 of Diamonds falls into a duo, we are alerted to a situation or state which concerns someone other than our self. Before it is the 10 of Hearts - a card of unconditional love, truth, and happiness. I am guessing that this is not a bad couple of cards to receive on Valentines Day, since they show care and strong feelings. I hear that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, so I have chopped my vegetables and the first part of my boyfriend's dinner is underway.

Even though I'd say I am not much of a cook, this hasn't always been true. I used to cook relatively well and was quite experimental in the kitchen once. But after my ex and I parted, I fell out of practice and cooking for one didn't have quite the same appeal. With four years in studies, I neither had the money or interest for cooking anything interesting and ate only out of necessity. On the other hand, my boyfriend cooks well. I think that this is because he enjoys it. He does everything properly and likes to have the right ingredients. I am more like my mother, who makes do, which is the main reason why my dad prepares all of the meals round here. My mum doesn't inject much love into her cooking, but she does like making cakes. You would hope that they were her culinary saving-grace, but believe me, you've never seen anything like my mother's jam tarts. I'd say that Mr Kipling's position is pretty safe.

Today has been a bit of a write-off as I haven't felt too good. I have been out of energy and really tired. Even though I tried to resist sleeping, I napped for a while, only to be woken up by Dumb and Dumber screaming in the garden next door. With each Spring, they never seem to have matured any more than the one before, content with the same childish games.

I spent a little time looking online this morning. I had some alcohol on the Tuesday that I went out for dinner last week and I wonder if that has had an affect on my health. Even though my doctor hadn't seemed to think it would make much difference, the people online didn't have anything positive to say about the combination of drinking and CFS; even when it is just a couple of glasses or more of wine with a meal. Where as a normal person can bounce back from an evening of sociable drinking in a day or so, it can take a person with CFS a couple of weeks or even provoke a relapse. I don't know if it was that night that has sent me stumbling back a few steps or not, but it is worth consideration for the future. There is no fun in feeling like I do today. I spoke to my parents about it this morning. I think that that conversation is wrapped up in today's cards, since they were speaking from the point of unconditional care for me and my health.


Illustrations from The Ghost Deck by Bicycle

Will She or Won't She?

I get a bit confused with the courts in tarot decks sometimes. Some readers see court cards as just one part of a person and believe that we all have aspects of the whole sixteen, where as others see specific people in each. As an example of the latter, my mother is usually the Queen of Pentacles for me. The problem is that things change from deck to deck. In some packs, pages are male, and in others they are female. Similarly, in a lot of Lo Scarebeo decks, the knights are also switched in gender. The Mystic Faerie Tarot has a predominantly female court, leaving only four male kings. The nice thing about these carnival cards is that each court card seems to have a man and woman present, so should you want to relate the masculine energy of the King of Spades to a woman in your life, there is one at hand. This is what I think I am going to do today.

Even though both characters in the illustration for the King of Spades look relatively feminine, I am suggesting here that the one in orange is male. Therefore, it is the lady in blue who I am looking at in today's post. Like any King of Spades, she sits alert, is intelligent, and is focused. It took me a while to think who this person might be. I think that she could be the agent who asked me to do a day and a half of illustration last week. After sending her an online link to my portfolio, she still hasn't responded, regardless of the fact that I asked her to drop me a few lines to let me know what she thought. Is my work not appropriate? At the moment, with the wavering 9 of Diamonds behind her, she is undecided. This might not be the case indefinitely, since a decision will have to be made, but the cards are telling me that someone is yet to make their mind up about me. I can't think of who else this might be, unless it is a senior male figure in the school who is holding her back.

After our day of exercise yesterday, my boyfriend and I opted for a slower Sunday. We went for a drive to the local shops and wandered about for about an hour, as both had to get Valentine cards for tomorrow. Even though this is only our second Valentines Day together, we decided not to make too much of it. As nice as it can be for people to spend some time with one another, it does annoy me how the shops capitalise on the day and restaurants bump up their prices. It puts pressure on those in relationships and encourages those who are single to feel left out. Despite not going over the top, I have kind of talked myself into cooking my boyfriend a meal. He seemed quite excited about the idea, so there is no going back now. I have no idea what I am going to try and rustle up, but I have already advised him not to skip lunch in preparation.


Illustrations from The Carnival Cards by Sevarino Baraldi

The Tens

In her book Personal Prophesy, Deborah Leigh says that having multiple 'tens' in a spread suggests a shift towards change. Coming at the end of the suit, they are on the edge of new beginnings, so should there be more than one in a reading, this is strengthened.

I pulled the 10 of Spades recently; on the day when my parents went away for a week. The card signifies a journey and travel, so it wasn't such a surprise. The two characters seem to be on a boat, leaving dry land behind them. This could be a holiday they are going on or maybe they are relocating to somewhere new. When I draw this particular version of the card, I also think about what they are leaving. What happens in the next card? I think that this can be important in interpretation, for what they leave is as valid as what they are leaving to find.

The two characters in the 10 of Diamonds are an odd couple. With the many painted characters in this deck, the Sergeant Bilco lookalike in the background doesn't fit so well. Underneath his arm, he holds a book. It's full of his accounts and he needs to get to the bank as quickly as he can. The woman in the foreground doesn't notice him hurrying by. Instead, she is simply enjoying her moment. Sitting by the canal costs nothing.

It's funny because the original pip of this card would not have allowed me to think about the contrast in value between money and experience. When the card turns up in a reading, it has something to do with money and our finances. I'd say that in some situations, it could suggest that we are concentrating on the material side of life. This could be evident if it sits next to a card like the 4 of Hearts, where the cards might suggest we are spending too much time craving the possessions which someone else has.

Pierrot returns in the 10 of Hearts. Some of the characters in these cards remind me of angels and the woman that looms up behind him is one such figure. All dressed in white, she suggests purity of thought, heart, and intention. When this card turns up, it indicates true love. When accompanied by the 10 of Hearts, someone will do anything for you and wishes for a long term commitment. Their love is unconditional. This is what Pierrot is all about. He wants to give you the world; every tear of love and piece of his heart. I often think of my friend and her husband when this card comes up because they dote on each other. They are not a sickening couple in the slightest, since both are independent creatures, but I always notice how they are both there for one another unconditionally.

The 10 of Clubs concerns business and official matters. This illustration is not as easy to bend as the others, but I guess that they do look stiffer than most of the other people in this deck. When this card shows, it brings about important correspondence, legal matters, and anything to do with our business life - for me, it might fall when there are changes with my student loan or if I need to check my accounts, contracts, or should get another CRB cheque sorted out.



Illustrations from The Carnival Cards by Sevarino Baraldi

The Nines

I really like the 9 of Clubs in this deck. I think that this is because it is a card of the night, unlike so many others. And having the light pulled out of this card has so much to do with it's meaning. If you think of darkness as being a loss of spiritual light and energy, you can understand that the 9 of Clubs can be a dark place to be when not used moderately.

Think about this. When we indulge in those things we like, we receive bursts of good feelings. Kabbalists would call this light, which fits in nicely with this card. We all enjoy receiving bursts of light; that small piece of chocolate cake in the cafe, good sex with the boyfriend we love, another pack of tarot cards. But when we push the boundaries and take more than we need, often at the expense of others, the light burns brighter, but dies out quicker. I think that that is why so many of us feel guilty when we spend too much, have another wild night out, or wake up next to someone we didn't know the night before. It's like throwing a black-out cloth over a light bulb. For that light to shine brightly again, we need to resist excess or short-term fixes, because they give with one hand and take with the other.

My lifestyle is very different to how it once was. As a Picean, I have a very addictive personality - if I drink, I like to finish the bottle; if I smoke, I like to finish the pack. Due to feeling undervalued in one way or another, I lead myself into some very dark places over the years. Drinking and partying too hard helped me forget how worthless I felt and waking up in the houses of 101 strangers fixed my loneliness for no longer than one night at a time. Once I had walked away the next morning, it was as though someone had chucked that black-out cloth right over my head, because I felt deader than ever. Unfortunately, the way that a lot of us deal with these kind of feelings is to go and do the exact same thing again - blow your last fiver on another horse, open another can of beer, or have sex with another stranger.

My boyfriend is a big fan of Madonna. I thought she was inspiring for many years, but even though she doesn't do it for me anymore, there is one video of hers that touches me like no other does. If you think less of the woman, I urge you to watch her music video for Bad Girl, because it really is a beautiful and well thought out piece of film. Featuring Christopher Walken as what I am guessing is her guardian angel, it revolves around 24 hours in one woman's life. I read somewhere that you meet your guardian before you die (or in Madonna's case, kiss them), which is what this story seems to be based on. When I watch this video, it reminds me of those dark areas I dwelled in so innocently and I shudder. Things could have turned out so differently.

The 9 of Clubs shows a woman in blue. She's off for another night on the town, and behind her, a man holds a lantern. Does his lantern represent those small bursts of light which eventually turn to darkness, or is he a guardian himself, offering her a safer path? On it's good side, this card is about letting your hair down and enjoying yourself. We all need that from time to time. But on the flip side, it regards over-doing it - it's those times when one piece of chocolate cake turns into three or our casual nights out turn into a dangerous and addictive obsession.

The 9 of Spades is a card of grief. The man in the foreground can not deal with his loss. He examines what is in front of him and realises there is no longer anything there. This is that point where there is no going back and devastation is going to take a long time to come to terms with. In terms of a friend of mine dying some years ago, there are things I wish I could have gone back and said or done. When this card arises, we realise that this is not possible and we have to live with the consequences. It is quite different to the 7 of Spades, which looks at loss without these added feelings of regret.

The illustration for the 9 of Diamonds is a strange one. A woman watches an older, haggard figure pass her balcony. The figure seems to have an idea of where it is going and doesn't even notice the woman watching. She looks a little creeped out by the figure and I am not surprised. This is a card of uncertainty. With a hooked nose, down-turned mouth, and spindly fingers, would you trust him or her? In readings, this is the essence of the card. When it arrives with a court card, it lets you know that that person is not sure about you or a situation.

After such difficult cards, the 9 of Hearts is probably one of the nicest in the pack. Bathed in navy, think of the woman in the background as your fairy godmother, since this is a card of wishes and dreams. In a reading, it confirms that the best you can wish for in your question is possible. If this card turned up in a spread about my career, I would say that there is potential for work that would make me happy and be profitable. You can ask this fairy godmother anything, but as we are always warned, be careful what you wish for.



Illustrations from The Carnival Cards by Sevarino Baraldi

The Bridge of Friendship

Today's cards have a real glow about them. The honey-coloured costumes burn their way through the duo. In the first card, the figure shows us a bridge. The bridge brings people together and unites. The second image shows two good friends.

My boyfriend and I got up early and were on the train to London by 9.30am. I still didn't feel my best and hoped that some sleep on the journey would help. By the time we had got into town, I was feeling a little better. From my last bout of fatigue, I remember that a little exercise sometimes helps. As does keeping my mind occupied.

I think it would be safe to say that I got more than a little exercise. We started off in Notting Hill, winding our way through the snakelike body of Portobello Market, dropping off in Mimi Fifi for a look at their vintage Smurf collections, and finishing the half a mile chain at Ladbroke Grove. One of the smaller markets had a wall of Venetian masks, which I spent some time looking at. Due to many of the tube lines being down, we bused it to Bayswater afterwards and then made our way to Camden.

I haven't been to Camden for quite a while. I have spent a lot of time there in the past twenty years. My first boyfriend was ten years older than me and had a house by the canal in the early 90s. Living in North London for a long time myself after we had split up, it's nightspots were popular haunts. In recent years, I worked there for a while, dodging the advances of it's many doorway drug-dealers on my way to work from the train station. After the fire some years back, where a lot of the market and Amy Whinehouse's favourite pub were destroyed, I wondered what I would find when I got back. But everything was pretty much the same. I was interested in finding a quaint little game shop and a Mexican stall, both situated at the lock, and both were still there. I was on the lookout for new playing cards to use on the blog. I picked up two decks.

After Camden, we got the tube down to Leicester Square and Covent Garden. I hate going into the West End and not visiting my favourite tarot stores, so we dropped into a couple. There were quite a few titles I hadn't seen in the shops before, but nothing really leaped out at me. A lot of the new decks I handled felt dead and didn't compare to the liveliness I have experienced by making my own stories with the playing cards, so I decided to stick with what I had found in Camden.

By the time we had finished, my feet no longer felt connected to my body. Both of us were so tired and pretty much dropped when we boarded our train home. But in comparison to this morning, it was a nice feeling to be exhausted for a reason.

My day was completed with the arrival of a gift from a friend overseas. As a surprise, she had sent me a beautiful handmade scarf and swatches of fabric to use. I was both touched and excited to receive the parcel and it just ended my day perfectly. Both the gift and my time in London are summed up in today's cards. My boyfriend and I had a lovely time together. We are mates as much as lovers. The figure in the first card also unites me and my friend from overseas by way of the beautiful scarf and fabric. That's her and I in the 7 of Hearts, chatting endlessly about playing card decks, Adobe Illustrator, and the best ways of sewing patchwork.



Illustrations from The Carnival Cards by Sevarino Baraldi

The Eights

When working on this study, one of the things I have found really useful is to meditate on the illustrations and listen to what the characters have to say. Because these cards were not designed for the specific system I am using, it gives them more freedom to talk. Take the couple dressed in honey-yellow from the 8 of Hearts for example. The woman sits in thought and stares into space. Wondering what is wrong, her partner comes to find her, holding out his hand -


'Is everything alright, my dear?', he asks.

'Yes', she replies. 'I was just sitting here thinking about all of this open space'

The man in gold and white turns to look about him, before gently rubbing his chin. 'Yes, there is rather a lot of it. What is it that you propose we do?'

'Well I thought we might find some way of filling it up. It does feel awfully dead like this, don't you think?

Still looking around, the gentleman agrees. 'Hmm .. what would you suggest, my love? A piano over here, maybe some plants over there?'

'Well actually, I was thinking of filling it with people'

'People?', he asks, looking confused. 'How do you expect to do that?'

The woman suddenly jumps up and smiles. As she does, the bells on her hat jingle and jangle. Walking towards her lover, she delicately and flirtily flaps her fan about her painted face. Let's have a party!' she exclaims. 'This place could do with some laughter, music and dance, don't you think?'.


The 8 of Hearts is about celebration and therefore suggests the coming together of people. It lets us know that an event is looming on the horizon and that good times are ahead. It's simply a reason to celebrate. My cousin invited me to his 30th yesterday. Even though I sometimes find big family parties difficult, I told him that I would make it as I didn't want to let him down. This is the kind of card that highlights such an occasion. It represents his plans and the good time that he wants everyone to have with him.

The 8 of Diamonds is a card of relationship. Like the 6 of Diamonds, it literally tells us that the focus of a small spread is on our involvement with someone else and suggests that the emotions provoked in the cards might not necessarily be just our own. Should a card of upset or sorrow turn up with either of these cards, the unhappiness has something to do with a specific relationship in our life. In this illustration, one figure calls on another. There is something between them and she responds.

Not all of the cards in this deck fit perfectly with the Personal Prophesy system, so they need to be kind of bent into shape. The 8 of Spades represents tears. It is not a bad thing that the people in this card are not falling on the floor in despair, since tears do not always have to be about pain - they could easily be tears of laughter or relief. In this image, with the moon resting over a sea of water, emotion is abundant. If the couple are upset, they are doing a good job of concealing it. Maybe this card is a prompt to let our emotions flow like the sea behind them, for holding it back will do us no good.

In the darker 8 of Clubs, there seems to be some sort of stand-off. The man in black holds his stick firmly and chooses not to let the woman pass. In disbelief, she holds up her fan. When something is not working or a situation is frustrated, there is no point in pushing harder. If this man is adamant that she can not enter his private members club, for example, then she'd do best to not agitate the situation any further and leave. Sometimes, we think that pushing that bit further will wear someone down, but often, it only helps to aggravate them all the more. I never learnt that with my parents when I was a teen. I never let go of an argument and never knew when to shut up, meaning that I lost out on many things I might not have if I had only given them some time and space to cool off. This card highlights the woman's frustration but suggests that it might be a time to stop pushing, since that will not help her situation.


Illustrations from The Carnival Cards by Sevarino Baraldi