The Pathway

Well, I did get the same dizzy advisor at the Job Centre that I had last week. She's what you might call silly but happy. I guess I am being mean really, since she is very pleasant and tries her best to help. It wasn't really her fault that there was still no news on my claim, so I signed for the second time in a month, but am still yet to receive any money. I did try to change my address to our new one but she resisted filling in the forms with me, saying that doing so might confuse everything even more and muck up my claim. Having far too much experience of their systems, I agreed and will wait until everything is finally working properly. As I awoke this morning, I received a message from the bank, telling me that my account balance is low and nearing being overdrawn. I hope the good old Job Centre get their backsides into gear and sort this out soon.

Whenever I buy a deck, I still look (when possible) to the Knight of Cups to see if I like him. I always wish for him to be kindly looking. I most often relate him to my friend Sam, who has a boyish and open face. He and I were extremely close throughout our 20s. To my memory, those watery knights that I haven't warmed to in the same way as to my friend, are the ones from The Book of Kaos and The Connolley Tarot. One of my favourites is from the Sasha Fenton deck. I was pleased to pull this version this morning. In the Celtic Wisdom Tarot, the knight is titled the Warrior of Art. He has the kindly face I was hoping for. It's all in the eyes.

In this set, the warrior is Oengus mac Og. Having associations with love, his place in this card relates to being the love child of Boann and the Dagda. This may be why he is so emotionally receptive himself. I often see him as a general male lover, shown by the four birds around his head which symbolise his kisses, but often, he can show up in a reading or draw to determine something that we love or have a strong emotional desire for. It is interesting that today's card visually compares to yesterday's. The building behind the emotional warrior (apparently his home and a sanctuary for the famous lovers Diarmuid O'Duibhne and Etain) once again reminds me of our new bungalow. The stream of yesterday has transformed into a pathway to it's door. With two more days until the off, it would seem that we are getting nearer to this thing we desire.

Never underestimate the stresses of moving. Over the last two and a half years, we have had our fair share. At the moment, these few days feel like a year in their self, since I want to just get going to the new house and for all of us to stop worrying about what could go wrong. My parents are going to transfer all of the money this afternoon and I have been packing boxes full of tarot decks. My friend popped round last night and took loads of vinyl. Both my record collection and my dad's have been languishing in the loft for over ten years and finally saw the light of day. I could have sold them, but I know I wouldn't get round to it and they'd end up taking root in the next loft. My friend and her father love music. He has a pair of wireless headphones linked up to his record player so I hope he enjoys the hundred or so LPs she took. I was a little sad to see the entire collection of Doors albums leave; the Prince imports, Sinatra, Shirley Bassey, and Kate Bush. But there is something uplifting about gifting something you care about to someone else. They'll get more use out of the records than my dad and I would.


Illustration from The Celtic Wisdom Tarot by Olivia Rayner

The Handshake

Here's a nice card from The Celtic Wisdom Tarot - the Dialogue of Art, which seems to have descended from the traditional 2 of Cups. This card shows Myrddin (or Merlin) and Gwenddydd, sitting together over a stream. She was his twin sister, and because of his psychic and magical abilities, created an observatory with seventy windows and seventy doors, for him to keep watch over the land. That's it in the background, under the light of the moon. I especially like this card because it speaks of siblings. I always think of it as being connected to my closest friend, who is like a sister to me, so it strengthens it's meaning somewhat. I consider the 2 of Cups to be platonic (at least to begin with) and this version heightens that.

But when I turned this card today, my usual ideas around it's meaning were not what I saw first. I saw our bungalow in the background, with a small stream leading to it. That is our future. And in the foreground, I was most concentrated on Myrddin and Gwenddydd's hands, clasped in one another. I saw this as a mutual agreement and wondered how it would affect our day. I was pleased to just pick up the phone to our solicitor, who announced that the contracts have been exchanged this morning. The call ties in very well with this card's image, I feel. Have you ever had that experience where you look at a card and think 'I completely understand you at this moment'? Well that's how I feel when I look at this one right now. We are sitting on that small wall, soon to step over and follow the stream. I find single card draws can really pack a punch, which is why I try to keep these draws here as such. Too many cards confuses things for me. Most often, I think that less is definitely more.

My uncle and aunt are coming to collect the fish from our pond in a moment. We have a massive ghost carp out there and many fancy goldfish. The carp must be about twenty years old, I'd guess, and since the goldfish have continued to breed over the years, I have no idea how old they are. The new occupants do not want them, so my uncle is taking them to his pond, which is bigger. After that has been sorted, there will be more packing and then I have to go to the Job Centre. I began my claim over a month ago and am on my second fortnightly signing, but still haven't received any cash. I have called to try and find out what has happened, but nobody there knows what is going on with it. As frustrating as this is, it comes as no surprise to me. If I get the dizzy advisor I had last week, I doubt I will be any better informed by the close of play today.


Illustration from The Celtic Wisdom Tarot by Olivia Rayner

Every Little Bit Extra Helps

God, I am tired today. I can feel myself slipping into sleep as I write this. I got up this morning and went into town with my dad so that I could transfer some money into his account for the house sale. It was cold out today, so we hurried about, doing what we had to before getting the bus home. Even though still not wanting to tempt fate, I thought I should start packing some stuff up, so I boxed the books from the large bookshelf in the spare room and then started on the two in my own. My enthusiasm filtered into the wardrobe and drawers beneath my bed, which have now all been emptied. As I write, there are seventeen boxes set around me in this room alone and still many more to fill. I am shattered from the packing, which took all afternoon, and the mental strain of this move is taking it's toll. All three of us are on tenterhooks, keeping our fingers crossed that everything will be okay.

(I actually fell to sleep for two hours, half way through this post)

So, what have we got today? I was thinking of drawing from Caitlin Matthews' Celtic Wisdom tarot deck today (which I also got my grubby little mitts on yesterday), but opted to stay with the Roots of Asia. It is such a calming set of illustrations, which I need at the moment. I drew The Wheel. This is sometimes a card of worry for me, since it takes responsibility out of my hands and administers fate instead. I was worried that it might bring unexpected problems which are out of our control. However, on talking to different companies, my dad has found a few extra thousand pounds here and there, which will help with doing up the house. Due to the muck-up by the solicitor, he had to gather tens of thousands of pounds before Thursday to settle the deal. Therefore, things will be that bit tighter, so every little bit extra will help in the long run. That's The Wheel (of Fortune) turning in our favour for once.

My boyfriend didn't come over tonight. He has been on a long old drive today as has been training away from his usual office in the city. It's probably for the best that he stayed home this evening, as we were both exhausted from our day. We chatted for a little while and since yesterday's card showed up, I told him about my decision to put something on hold for a while. I was worried he'd be disappointed but he understood, so that has put my mind at rest. I had been getting lost in the fluttering of the birds in yesterday's 2 of Swords and needed to make a decision, as the card suggested I do.


Illustration from the Roots of Asia Tarot by Amnart Klanprachar

Calming the Fluttering

There was only so much more that I could take of my parents going over figures and new kitchens for the new house, so my boyfriend and I decided to take a trip to the coast this morning. I can't think too much about the bungalow until it is ours. I love to be by the sea and look through the antique shops, so today was perfect. We found many a piece of furniture for our fantasy home together and I also happened upon the Roots of Asia Tarot, which I have wanted for some time and couldn't find.

This is a deck I always liked the look of. It reminds me a little of the Haindl, but richer and less foggy. Take this Two of Swords for example. I love the blues and blacks and the birds fluttering about in the face's mind. At first, I thought there were three birds, but on looking closer, I can count three more. It doesn't say so in the pamphlet that comes with the deck, but I wonder if they represent a flapping of confused thoughts, pierced by the sword of decisiveness. After all, this particular card is about making the right decisions and, quite possibly, tuning out negative or distracting thoughts to do so. I have a good idea about what this might be referring to. Decisions do need to be made. I am still yet to stop the birds from flapping. Hopefully, I will separate them with the blade of the right decision tomorrow.



Before coming home, my boyfriend and I walked along the beach. The sun cast a beautiful light over the sea as the waves crashed over the pebbles. We took some photos on our phones. I liked one that my boyfriend took so much that I put it in a nice wooden frame for my new room. With boxes and piles of old LPs all over the landing, I will pack it up with all of my other possessions in the week.


Illustration from the Roots of Asia Tarot by Amnart Klanprachar

Brushing Away

After the last few days, I fancied something a little less involved to use, so pulled out The Wiccan Oracle by Chatriya Hemharnvibul. As I own The Fenestra Tarot by the same artist, I had looked at this pack of 33 cards for some time, so it was a nice surprise to find it for just a couple of pounds in a charity shop. All shrink-wrapped and new, I snapped it up immediately. However, in the many months since I bought it, I've never used it.

The deck is split up into sections. There are four element cards (like the aces in tarot), two God cards (one male and one female), cards representing the eight Sabbats of the Wiccan year, and three master cards; this leaves sixteen remaining, which depict different spiritual symbols and familiars. As with many Lo Scarabeo instruction books, interpretations (where there are any) are vague, to say the least. But this is no bother. I have a good couple of symbols dictionaries and many books on Wicca that I can refer to for reference. I'd say that the deck pretty much leaves you to your own devices, which isn't such a bad thing, even though I am sure being dropped in the middle of the jungle without a map would freak some readers out.

Yesterday continued in the same vein as it began, creating obstacles for us to jump over and step around. However, thanks to my dad, who managed to talk around and suggest ways of overcoming problems to the four advisors in the bank, our move is [fingers crossed] still going ahead for Friday. My boyfriend and I have been to see the house this morning. He hadn't seen it before and really likes it; it was the second time for me, and I like it all the more. It should be lovely when it is cleaned and done up. We took a short walk and found that you can walk a footpath straight into the countryside, which is lovely.

We went to the cinema last night, as planned. I am not completely sure what I thought about My Week with Marilyn. After reading the reviews, I was expecting a little more than a kiss and tell. From his memoirs, it tells of the week that Colin Clark became a lowly assistant on the film The Prince and the Showgirl with Monroe and Lawrence Olivier. There is little new in the film about Marilyn, showing her as being difficult on set, highly indulged by her manager and drama coach, and deeply troubled. However, with her new husband Arthur Miller out of the picture for a week in New York, it is centred around her need for a 'chum' and someone to trust in England, who comes in the shape of the runner, Clark. It wasn't a bad film, but it wasn't much more either. As a person who was described as beautiful and charismatic, I really didn't feel it in Michelle Williams, and despite the odd one liner here and there, the movie was kind of flat. While watching the trailers, they played one for The Iron Lady, about Conservative Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, played by Meryl Streep. My boyfriend and I looked at each other and both said together 'Now I'd like to see that!'. All in all, My Week with Marilyn took me out of the stresses of the day for a couple of hours, which I needed.

For today, I drew just one card from The Wiccan Oracle. From looking at the set up of the deck, I think it might make more sense to use a combination. It reminds me of a Lenormand, even though it obviously isn't one. Today's card is The Broom, which is one of the sixteen symbol cards. Interestingly, the line used in the small book that comes with the deck is 'It's time for a move'.

From my understanding, if a broom's brush is made of twigs like the one we have standing against the wall in our garden, then it is a besom. Besoms have a long history in witchcraft. A modern day Wiccan will use one to sweep the ritual area while visualizing the broom sweeping out negativity and impurities that have built up in the area. This is done for indoor or outdoor ritual space and creates a spiritually cleansed space to practice magic or perform Wiccan rituals. I think that this is where it's interpretation falls in today's draw, since it cleans out that which is worn and no longer needed. The framed picture in the card reminds me of the view from the window in our new bungalow, showing hills and a wood to the left. I think this card definitely has something to do with the move. I was packing old CDs today and chucked out a lot I didn't care for anymore. I think that today's card is all about clearing out the junk, so that we don't have to take it with us. This may be evident in the cleaning out of our possessions, but returning here from the bungalow this morning, it also reminded me that [touch wood] we'll soon be sweeping Oddbod, Pig, Dumb and Dumber out of our lives for good.



Illustration from The Wiccan Oracle by Chatriya Hemharnvival

Sowilo: The Ups and Downs

“Of all the twelve round Odin’s throne,

Balder, the Beautiful, alone,

The Sun-god, good, and pure, and bright,

Was loved by all, as all love light.”

Today, the sun enters my blog in the shape of Sowilo (pronounced soe-wee-low). With that, I breathe a sigh of relief.

Things changed yet again by the end of yesterday. I was right to keep faith in Ehwaz, since things did finally move along for the better. Can you believe that while in a second hand shop with a friend I actually looked through a plastic basket of bits and pieces, thinking that if there was a horse within the junk I'd buy it for good luck. Strangely enough, there was; a small white toy horse, with flowing mane and tail. Good luck was a steal at 10p, so I took it to the counter.

After many phone calls, we heard that the woman at the bottom of the house-move chain said she would definitely pull out if the 2nd December couldn't be arranged. I had a few names for her, which I won't repeat here. Apparently, she's done this before. It was then up to one of the solicitors, who wasn't blameless in the whole affair by not passing on information about moving dates readily enough, to try and persuade the guy we are buying from to agree to that date. This he finally did, which brought much relief here, so a compromise was made, as suggested by yesterday's rune.

Today's rune is connected to the sun, being one of victory and warmth. As with The Sun tarot card, it has positive connotations and brightens up readings. In one book I have been reading by Jonathan Dee, the stone is associated with the mythological deity Balder, known as the god of light. Even though mistakenly killed by a dart of mistletoe by his blind brother Hodur, this god was known to be beautiful and kind, generating good feelings amongst all, so it is not surprising to see him amongst this interpretation. Generally, the rune brings some kind of healing light to situations and can make things brighter.

I was interested to read of the extra connection to Thor. I imagine that this is due to the symbol for Sowilo appearing like that of a lightning flash. He was known for the swift retribution he dealt out to wrong doers. As the guardian of justice, it is timely that he appears in this draw, as today is the day of signing contracts. When fused into this stone with the God of Light, I was hoping it would suggest that all we have invested in to moving will pay off. But today has been another difficult one, since our solicitor failed to check up on some of the details in the sale, leaving a very tight window of time to rectify the problems. This left my parents having to race into town to speak with bank managers and make sure that everything would be alright for Friday. There was a point when all three of us thought it would crumble amongst our fingers again, but once more, I think things are on track. My Mum and Dad have shot back to the same bank manager, since on looking at the figures when they left the branch an hour or so ago, my dad realised that she had calculated some of it wrong. Oh, the irony. It has meant that I have had to transfer my savings to them to help out.

Half way through the day, I began to lose faith in Sowilo, as everything looked as though it was about to fall through again. I was well aware that if it had, my parents had decided that they wouldn't throw any more money into trying a third time. It is their savings after all. I couldn't understand how such a positive rune was describing such a shit day, but like yesterday, tried my hardest to stay focused on it's warm energy and vision of true justice. I will still not be 100% complacent until those darned keys are in our hands, but it looks as if this rune might have redeemed itself.

I have other things I need to worry about, but since today has already been drenched in stress, even more than yesterday was, I am putting all else out of my mind for the rest of it. My parents and I are emotionally and financially at our limits.

My boyfriend will be over after work. He has booked us tickets to go to the cinema and see My Week with Marilyn, which opens today in the UK. We looked online and it has really good reviews. When I was about 14, I had Marilyn posters almost wallpapering my room. I remember getting my first when out with my parents in London's Oxford Street on a cold Winter's afternoon. At the time, I don't think I had much cash and they probably bought it for me. I was so excited. It's the one posted here, and it hung over my bed. I bought many books about her (my favourite being by Andre De Dienes -Mon Amour) and my mate Nikki and I would raid shops for postcards and pictures of her. We watched most of her films, since there was a renewed interest in her during the 80s and a lot of her films found their way back onto the television. As much as I hear that My Week with Marilyn is apparently good, thinking of her reminds me of my teenage years, when life was much more carefree. I feel totally and utterly frazzled by this move and we haven't even started packing yet. I feel angry by all of the ludicrous twists and turns and that fact that Oddbod and her rank family put us in a position where we had to consider moving in the first place. I am just hoping that I can relax out of how we all feel at the moment and enjoy my evening.

Ehwaz: The Power of the Horse

Carry me through battle
to victory
through death
to the land beyond

Well, this is interesting. Yesterday's rune tied up more loose ends than I had expected it to. With many calls between my dad and both the solicitors and estate agents, it looked as though we had our moving date. Even though much earlier than we had thought, it seemed as though we could sign contracts this Friday and move seven days later. That would give us just a week to get things packed, removals sorted, and all else that needs to be changed beforehand. A little scary maybe, but exciting too. So there is Ingwaz, I thought, finishing things off and completing the moving process.

Oh, but does anything ever run smoothly for us? When I arrived home this morning, my dad looked glum. Houston, we have a problem. The reason we are rushing along for the 2nd December is down to the woman who is buying from our buyers, further down the chain. She wants to rent their property and doesn't want to lose money through leaving it one week more. She appears pretty stroppy and has threatened pulling out if it doesn't go ahead for then. She says she was assured that everything would be finalised for that date, but it is the first that our solicitor and estate agent has heard of it. However, through my dad's conversations yesterday, he was told that everything would be fine, so he set about sorting out details with the phone people, has an appointment with the bank, is seeing the removal people today and had planned on signing contracts tomorrow. All fine, we thought. But then last night, we got a phone call to say that the guy we are buying the vacant house from cannot do that date, because he needs the previous owner's nieces to come and look through the stuff there and choose what they want to take; something he has had months to organise. My dad spent half an hour trying to persuade him to try and sort things sooner but he won't budge. Our solicitor just called and said we could lose the house over this. My parents look down and I feel tearful over everything moving so quickly and now stopping fast in it's tracks.

I was in a better mood when I drew today's rune, as I knew nothing of all of this when I was sitting on my train home. Ignorance is bliss. I wriggled my fingers about in my rune bag at the back of the carriage, and as I did, looking through the window, I saw a single horse standing on a hill. It was an unusual looking one and I had to do a double take to make sure it was real. It's leg and head were a dark brown, with just it's side and neck in a warm cream. It looked as though it's outline had been drawn in a thick dark pen. It was as I saw it that I drew Ehwaz (pronounced ay-wawz), which I then went on to find out is associated with horses.

The particular horse to be associated with this rune is Sleipnir, the steed of Odin. He was said to have eight legs and be pretty speedy, so therefore has associations with vehicles of all kinds. Before hearing of today's news, this made perfect sense, since the removal people are visiting for a consultation this morning. However, now that we have no idea what is going on, it may be a pointless visit. The same guy came last time, before the last house sale fell apart. In terms of a general energy, Ehwaz has connections with travel, and in one particular book I glanced through this morning, is said to be a good omen for relocation and house moves. That initially stuck in my throat when I read it, but I can't rule out the idea that this rune and my experience with the horse on the hill this morning predicts good things just yet. The symbolism in today's stone concerns not only the horse, but it's rider. This is why it is also said to be about partnerships as well. It is shown in how the horse and rider work together. In readings, this could translate as support and team work. Believe me, this is prominent for today, since it will depend on everyone in the house move chain finding a compromise, if our move is still to go ahead. Only time will tell, I guess, but as I write, we are due to have our phone line cancelled for the 2nd and many other arrangements have been made in view of moving out that day.

Ingwaz: Tying up Loose Ends

When a card deck (or stone, as in this example) takes you off, looking into stuff around the internet and in books, that is when things begin to get interesting. With my cup of tea this morning, I drew today's rune, Ingwaz (pronounced 'eeeng-wawz') which is associated with the Norse fertility god Freyr (his name, meaning 'Lord'). Knowing nothing about him, I went for a scout about, finding that he is the god of the wind and rain, dark and light, and ruled over the realm of the elves, who were giving to him as a teething present. I searched about for an illustration that made sense for me and happened upon a statue, showing him with his steed, a boar named Gullinbursti (meaning 'golden bristles'). As a god connected to work, getting things done, and therefore the harvest, the animals back symbolises fields of ripening wheat.

Ingwaz appears to be associated with growth and the physical side of life. Therefore, it is about getting new projects off of the ground. To do this, we need to finish up those already started and tie up loose ends. Any unfinished business needs to be sorted, to make way for fresh starts. Learning that this idea is connected with the stone is a little like a slap around the face for me, since I have one particular thing that needs doing. The completion date is getting dangerously near and I have been putting off getting it done for weeks and weeks. I am not entirely sure why. Sometimes, the pressure involved in a process or the volume of what I have to do can be all too much for me and I hide myself away. That is what has happened here, but today's rune tells me that I really must step up to the challenge and get this out of the way. I know I'll feel better when I have. I am going to have a go at doing this today, but I have messaged Kate to see if she is around over the next couple of days to help me sort out some of the more technical bits I am confused about. It is interesting that a few sources look at modern interpretations, saying that now is a time to clean up the house. I see this as a metaphor for cleaning up my business, but as I write, my mum is going through the large bookshelf in the spare room, seeing how some of the books will pack into boxes for the (hopeful) move, so it could concern that too.

Today's rune is one of completion. I know what I need to do, so should just get down to it. Ingwaz is about problem solving and achieving results, ready to move on to the next level or stage. This also makes me think of my father, who is going into hospital later today. After finding the cancerous cells in what was cut away from his operation, he needs a scan to see if any of them have spread. This is obviously worrying, but is something he needs to go through and tie up.

Wunjo: Carry on Laughing

I am glad to draw a happy rune today. From what I have read, Wunjo is positive, dwelling amongst happiness and fulfillment, and sits at the end of the first sequence (Frey's Aett). Many attribute the word joy to this stone.

I was up and out early this morning to meet my friend. We always have such a nice time together and met for coffee. As the only people in the cafe at 9am, we were catching up and laughing pretty loudly. For some reason, a siren went off, which I suggested was the 'you're-having-too-much-fun' alarm, which only made us laugh louder. It was at that moment, I thought of Wunjo (pronounced Woon-yo), which I had put in my pocket before leaving, and the pure joy and laughter it represents. I think that this friend is a good person to think about when I draw this rune, because she always lifts my spirit and makes me smile.

This stone has a romantic edge to it. Even though present for good relationships, it can also depict good friends and happy endings of all kinds. Even though nothing is confirmed just yet, we have had phone calls about possibly moving in the next two to three weeks. Of course, since it is all still in the hands of the solicitors, we can't get excited just yet, but it would be nice to get into the new house for Christmas (even if it does need decorating and will be a bit of a mess). I think that the situation with our move has Wunjo's fingerprints all over it, as things seem as though they are speeding towards a positive outcome.

I spent over six hours of yesterday cleaning out the loft. I moved large pieces of furniture around the small space alone, since my dad was out and Mum is still having problems with her leg. I brought stuff down and we packed things up nicely and chucked out what we didn't need. It doesn't matter how many massive clear outs I have had, there still always seems to be more to shift. Helping my parents, even though I suffered from banging my elbow and head on every plinth and dropped a gold Buddha on my foot, was very much part of the personality of yesterday's rune, Mannaz. I was so tired when I had finished, but am pleased that most of it is done. If we do end up moving sooner than we had expected, then we'll have less work to do further down the line.

Mannaz: Know Thyself

I didn't sleep particularly well last night. This is mainly due to the aches in my body, as there are so little positions I can sleep in comfortably. It has resulted in my waking up with achy eyes and desiring even more sleep. With a slightly sore throat, I wonder if I am getting a Winter cold.

Today's rune, Mannaz (pronounced Mawn-nawz) is the stone of the self. The first thing it whispered to me was 'Know thyself'. The meaning of these two words, as I see it, is to give me the opportunity of testing myself, to learn my personal strengths and what I am good at in life, but also to acknowledging what my weaknesses and short-comings are. I thought about this while I held Mannaz in my hand as I lay in bed this morning. Noticing it's symmetrical design under my fingertips, as I traced it's lines with my thumb, I considered that we should remember to take the rough with the smooth. My personal self is built up of the things I can do, but due to my tiredness and fatigue, I must also accept that I do have days like this, where what I do is limited. Some interesting thoughts came with this stone.

Flipping about on the internet, I discovered that as well as being about me, Mannaz also concerns mankind. Even though much of what I read was vague (no surprises there), I interpreted it in my own way. I imagined sitting at the centre of a circle. Wherever I go, I remain at it's centre and it travels with me. As I sit here with my tea in my room, the circle swallows up my parents, since they are in the room downstairs. Even though far away, it can concern anyone who beeps through on my Blackberry, which sits beside me, or drops into the inbox on my computer. If I choose to go out, what is in that circle with me changes. The stone therefore represents my community and how I as 'my-self' react to them. As I begin to learn the runes. this is how I first taste this one.

It's funny how we are with different groups of people. My friend Annie recently said how polite I am, where as I am sure that a handful of other people who know me might say I am brash and sometimes rude. I guess that this is down to how we react when our personal circle (or environment) shifts. I am sure I am not the only one who behaved like sweetness and light around friend's parents as a teenager, but was like a hurricane of tantrums and bad moods around my own. For me, this rune is all about knowing the many sides of thyself amongst all of the groups and situations we happen upon. As one of mankind on a personal level, Mannaz strikes me as a stone which wants us to reach out to those in my community; whether this is calling a friend I haven't seen in a month, which I just did, or beginning to sort out the loft and pack things up prior to moving, as I have just agreed with Mum.

To be honest, I could quite easily duck back under the duvet today. I am tired and don't feel like rising to any challenges, but this stone encourages me to touch my personal community and interact with those around me. Helping them is part of the process in helping myself.

Kenaz: The Torch

I decided that I wanted to use runes for my reading today. I bought my first set in about 1997. They came in a big box with a book, which combined runic tradition with Zen. I still have the book on my shelves, but I don't know where the plastic tablets went. Many years later, I made my own from a fallen branch in the garden, but they never lost the stickiness from the varnish. Even though it was fun making them with my dad, they were not really a pleasure to use.

I have always found runes difficult to connect to, so when I saw my current set, I wondered if getting some new ones would be a waste of time. They were heavily reduced, so I haven't spent much money, but only time will tell if I have squandered my time on trying to learn them. And this is where the problem lays. Looking around online and in books, interpretations, spellings, and ordering all seem to vary. And then there are the reviews and opinions. My runes came with the Ralph Blum book, which I have seen described as a 'joke' and not scholarly. A person on Amazon slated the Jonathan Dee illustrated guide, saying that it didn't even deserve one star. There seem to be as many recommendations of books as there are individual rune sets, and it looks as though there is as much snobbery around rune stones as there is around the tarot.

So here's the deal. I am going to do what I do with the cards. I will potter about online and may buy a few books in the future, but for the moment, I am going to see how they speak to me. One of the things I like about stones, as appose to cards, is how you can handle them differently. For example, while watching television this afternoon, I rolled today's rune about in my hand. I felt it's edges and ran my fingers over the gold engraved symbol. They are less difficult to damage in transportation than cards. So I'm going to tune out the sighs and cries of 'You can't do it that way because that's not how the old vikings did it' and give it a go in my own way.

So today, we have Kenaz (or Kano, Kaunaz, or even Ken), which I understand to be pronouned as 'kane-awze'. From looking about, the snippets I have pulled from here and there all seem to follow the same lines - that this is a stone of knowledge, wisdom and understanding. Many sources say that the knowledge is passed on, whether that is from someone else or though some kind of inspiration. Being linked to a torch of fire or a lighthouse, I am reading it as a light that can bring clarity to the darkest of situations. The triangular shape actually reminds me of a single flame. A good few commentators attach the rune to the mythological character Heimdall, the watchman of the underworld. Heimdall was apparently the son of Odin and it was his job to prevent mortals and giants from crossing the rainbow bridge, Bifrost, which stood between the world and the realm of the gods. Being ever vigilant, he was also connected to the owl. He was known as a shining god, which is why he is personified as a torch or beacon.

I feel a bit better today. I think that things have been building up lately; Julie's death and her funeral, my parents being ill and my Dad's continuing worries about cancer. The stresses have carved their way into my relationship with my boyfriend and we haven't been getting on as well as usual. However, we have acknowledged this and decided to talk about it today. I know that being with me is not always easy, which I am sure he would quickly vouch for. Following my diet pretty much to the line for over a month and not drinking or smoking for over three weeks has put it's strain on us. It has meant that we haven't been relaxing in the same ways we had previously and I often expect those around me to mirror the fads I throw myself into. I can be a bit naggy sometimes. Don't get me wrong. He can be a grouchy so-and-so as well. I think that this is where the darkness has slipped in.

Today, we lit Heimdalls torch in the shape of the rune, Kenaz. I feel that we have indeed brought light into the situation by planning new things together and cutting each other a bit more slack. Listening always helps as much (if not more) as talking. My boyfriend wants us to get bikes for Christmas so we can go out riding. A bike wouldn't have been my first choice for a present, but I agree that it would be a good way of getting us into doing different things, rather than sitting in here watching television. It would also be a good way of getting (and keeping) fit.


Rune Stone from The Book of Runes by Ralph Blum.

The Lady of the Harvest

I got home last night around 9ish. Kate and her daughter returned from Budapest an hour or so before. She suggested I stay another night, but I decided that I wanted to get back to my own bed and things. When I got home, I thought about using a different deck and then I remembered a bag of stones I had created some time ago. I had been to Brighton and bought a book by Susan Sheppard called 'A Witches Runes: How to Make and Use Your Own Magick Stones'. The book shows you how to make the 13 stones, which I had done by painting white designs onto black nuggets. However, I didn't seal them properly, so once I had dragged them out last night, some of the symbols had scratched away. A little disappointed, I thought I would make a new set properly. I then considered the idea of making a deck instead. Just thirteen cards. Couldn't be too difficult.

I went online and looked for clip art. I love silhouettes, so that was pretty much what I sifted through, finding cameos of a man and woman, some wheat and a skeleton holding a scythe, amongst others. I may very well draw my own at some point, but for the moment, I just wanted to make something quickly that I can use. I found a frame to pop each symbol into and then created my own card back; with every witch I searched for being female, I ended up making my own with a male portrait, crowning him with a pointed hat. Then I slid the thirteen cards through the laminator.

I like creating my own tools sometimes. I have not used the exact symbols from Susan Sheppards book. Hers appear ancient and tribal, where as I picked clip art that I would recognise easily in readings. I have not read all of her book, but it does appear concise, giving interpretations for all conceivable combinations. I like the simplicity of the cards. For today, I have drawn the Woman and Harvest.

The Woman could represent a lady in my life. Primarily, I see the card as depicting a person. The Harvest, showing some wheat, is apparently the most favourable card in the deck, promising fortune or good results. When combined, I see two different interpretations. The first is of a woman's kindness and generosity. This could be Kate, I guess, since knowing I was feeling a bit down last night, called me for an hour in the late evening, after I had left her house to come home. In Sheppards book, the Woman stone (or card here) can represent nurturing and feelings of a gental nature, so as well as the card being one of councel, it can also suggest a particular way of dealing with problems - softly and without ego. Because the card can secondarily relate to relationships of all kinds, I also see this duo as a premonition of healing wounds between people and overcoming problems in relationships.

I woke feeling achey and headachey this morning. I wonder if I am coming down with a cold. My boyfriend is at his own house as he wasn't feeling well yesterday either, so I am alone once again. The sun is shining outside but to be quite honest, I don't feel much like joining it.


Illustrations from The Witches Cards by Prince Le Normand

The Lonely Stone Draws Trees

I was looking at this card last night before bed, thinking how attractive it is, so it is nice to see it turn up in today's draw. I love the way that Will Worthington paints trees.

When I look at this rock, I see it as being similar to an anchor. It is large and heavy and holds us within the material world. I am told that it is about manifesting our dreams in reality. In traditional tarot, this suit was initially named 'coins', so it is hard for me to cut the tie between this ace and the financial side of life. I often see it as a helping hand. Having it come up today emphasised my hope that I might receive some money from the demon Job Centre, since it is meant to go in to my account three days after signing. Of course, it hasn't, so that was a disappointment as funds have run right down. Did I expect any better from them? Of course not.

It is silent here, but for the hum of the refrigerator, where today's card is stuck beside my friend's daughter's drawings and magnets. I sketched and doodled yesterday afternoon before my boyfriend came, and this morning, I have been tidying up. It is pretty much just me and my thoughts. As nice as being here is for a break, I am not sure that I could live alone like this. I enjoy time by myself in my own house, but knowing that people are downstairs is comforting, even if I don't see them for a few hours. This is something else. Without work, there is nothing or nobody to get me up or put me to bed. It can feel a little isolating; especially with really bad mobile phone reception. I feel a little cut off; a bit like that rock, stuck fast and all alone in a clearing of the wood.

So as my money has not yet hit my account, the Ace of Stones must be speaking of something else. Thinking back to the manifestation of ideas into a material reality, it might encourage me to keep sketching this afternoon. Maybe I should have a go at drawing some trees like Will's. This is a good example of how the energy of the ace can translate a thought into something physical that we can see and touch.


Illustration from The Wildwood Tarot by Will Worthington

The Endless Trudge

Without my scanner, I wasn't sure where to stand today's card, the 8 of Arrows. So here, we see it in the kitchen, next to a little ceramic house, which is based on the birthplace of D. H. Lawrence.

The woman in this card struggles through the snow. Yup, once again, it would seem that my path is cluttered with holes and obstacles, but in this one, struggle seems to be in the footsteps of the survivor if we decide to push our self that bit harder. My friend popped round for tea last night and we sat and chatted for a number of hours. I was glad that she came because the evenings seem to pass more slowly here and I am not one for sitting and watching the television by myself. In fact, I have hardly had it on when alone, which isn't really any different to when I am at home. I was talking to her about how I have been feeling of late and suggested that I might have fallen into some kind of mild depression. I don't mean the kind where we are continually upset and tearful; I mean the sort of depression where we just can't be bothered and could quite easily sleep the day away. Getting out of that is a struggle in itself, since even the smallest of tasks, such as ringing the college for a course guide this morning, is something I feel like putting off and don't get around to. I think that after another handful of disappointments, there is only so much enthusiasm that I can muster. No, I never heard back from the agent about the design work. And the bookshop never acknowledged my CV either. Surprise, surprise. For me, this card is about my endless trudge through the snow. It would have been easier for the woman in today's photo to have stayed in D. H. Lawrence's humble abode, rather than risk the torturous weather.

Another of my friends came to visit today. We took a walk up to the village, looking into a few antique and second hand shops. Aside from seeing a painting which I couldn't decide on being either evil or beautiful, we did no more than pick up some food for our lunch. She is on the Dukan Diet too. We cooked and ate when we got back and spent the next few hours talking and drinking coffee. As nice as it is to have time alone, I appreciate visitors breaking up my day. I can now press on with a few things before dinner and seeing my boyfriend this evening.


Illustration from The Wildwood Tarot by Will Worthington

Up the Garden Path

Boy, has it turned cold here. When I woke this morning, I scuttled out of bed as quick as I could to turn on the heating, before jumping back under the duvet until this little cottage had warmed up. With no double glazing and old windows, this place gets cold. Once the old iron radiators had begun to get hot, I got myself ready to hit the same shops as yesterday and find my missing belt. When I got there, it was actually hanging over the rail, so I told an assistant what I was doing and slipped it into the loops on my new coat. Being a very tight fitting coat, I tried the medium in case it was a better fit, but the shoulders looked boxy and the bottom was baggy. I just need to do a bit more exercise and it should fit like a glove.

Even though I have stuck to my diet for just over a month now, I did sin at the end of the last week. Well, when I say 'sin', I had no more than some Weightwatchers treats from the supermarket; not exactly worth being sent to the lions for. I just got to this point where I was peckish on my Sunday evening in with my boyfriend and couldn't stand one more portion of bloody yogurt or seafood sticks. When I bit into my diet carrot and orange cake slice, it was as though I'd fallen into Taste Heaven for the first time in weeks. I have still got some in the cupboard and have been having one with a cup of tea as the odd treat when nothing else will do. I popped back to my parent's house this afternoon and confessed to the weighing scales. I was worried about what they'd reveal when I got on them, but to my surprise, I have lost two more pounds, now taking me down to 9 st 12lbs. I was 11 stone when I began all of this. I just need to do a little toning up.

For today, I drew the 2 of Arrows. Here, you can see Jesus holding the card. He is another of Kate's possessions, which sits between two matching vases by the front door. This version in The Wildwood is slightly different to what I am used to in the Rider Waite and it's meaning is centred around injustice, manipulation and lies. In traditional packs, it is usually the 7 of Swords that bothers me (from the same suit of 'air') but I think in this deck, this card takes it's place. There is something not quite right. In the image, the woman's sight is hindered by a blindfold. She can not see the unequal measures in the scales or the fact that the bow beneath her is broken. This leads me to believe that somewhere, someone is being dishonorable and leading her up the garden path. I have a few niggling feelings about what this concerns and who is perverting what is said to be true, but for the moment, I don't feel comfortable writing about them here. However, as much as the 2 of Arrows is not a card I want to see, I am glad it has given me the heads up today. This card foresees someone manipulating the truth or being unfair between two parties. In this situation, I kind of hope that I am wrong.


Illustration from The Wildwood Tarot by Will Worthington

Rest and Repair

Today's card is the 4 of Arrows, so it is not such a surprise for it to be pushed into view by one of Yoshitomo Nara's little sleep walkers. I have always loved Nara. When I was at university, I had his paintings pasted around my room and have a t-shirt of one of his angsty kids in my wardrobe. So when I walked into Kate's flat in South London, where she was living before here, I instantly pointed at this little fellow on the bookshelf, saying 'Oh my God, I didn't realise you loved Yoshitomo Nara too!'. I think that she picked him up when she was working in Japan and now he sits in her kitchen.

I got up early this morning, since two friends drove over to pick me up and take me out nearer to where I actually live. We went to a market first, looking at second-hand bits of this and that, and then went for lunch. Due to my diet, we found a seat upstairs in Pret a Manger, so I could have a salad. After sitting and chatting for just under an hour, we went on a wander, where I bought a black military-style overcoat. It is pretty slinky and looks good with straight jeans and army-style boots. I just got it home and realised it is missing it's belt, so that means another journey to the store in the morning to sort that out. But there is something nice about buying a Winter coat; knowing that you're spending money on something you want, but are saved by the fact that you actually need it. Well, everyone needs a new Winter coat, don't they? And I noticed how chilly it has turned when I got up this morning.

Before coming back here, I went to the Job Centre. The experience wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My advisor was pretty dizzy but friendly and gave me some numbers for courses, as I asked whether there was any study I could do, funded by them. She suggested I look into evening classes or something at Adult Education. If I find something out of the hours of 9-5, chances are that I can get it paid for. To save cash on the train, my parents suggested picking me up and bringing me back here. We popped into the local supermarket on the way. It reminded me of when I was at university; they'd often drive up to London and take me for a big shop, buying all of the stuff I couldn't usually afford.

So for today, The Wildwood produces the 4 of Arrows. It shows a man asleep between four arrows as a butterfly flutters above, showering him in it's energy. The card reminds us of the importance of sleep. After wandering in town, I began to flag. After my friends had left, I went and got myself a coffee and sat in a cafe before my appointment. Now home, the exertion of my day has caught up with me, so I should really remember to get an early night later so that I am energised for tomorrow. In the accompanying book, it is interesting what Ryan says about sleep and how people seeking to survive in a wild environment must first find somewhere of safety to retire. Even though I feel at home here, when my boyfriend leaves each night at 10, there is a slight unnerving feeling which sets in when I am alone. Last night, I could hear the many creaks and shudders of this old house. With stable-type doors bolted, at one point, I was sure I could hear someone downstairs. Ryan suggests that without sleep, people become disoriented and make the wrong decisions, so tonight, I shall make sure that everything is locked up and sorted out before I take to my friends bed.


Illustration from The Wildwood Tarot by Will Worthington

The Eye of the Horse

I write from my friend's kitchen table, since I am house-sitting for her since yesterday. I had considered bringing the wolves over here with me and also thought about The Druidcraft, but within the last hour before I left, I slipped The Wildwood into my bag. The friend who bought if for me is the friend who's house I am looking after. It's a funny kind of deck because I really like the style of painting by Will Worthington (possibly more so than the artwork in his other decks) but for some reason, I found the pack hard to get inside of when I first bought it. A card was initially missing, so I had to wait for a replacement, but even once that arrived, I still found it a difficult deck to use and with every new time of trying and getting nowhere, it eventually got pushed aside. Until today.

I stayed in this cottage the first night that Kate did, so I wonder if that is why I feel so at home here. It may have to do with the fact that I have spent so much time with her since. It is a little two bedroom cottage in a village with a small courtyard outside the back door. Inside, there are beams lining the uneven ceilings and old wooden doors. My friend has interestingly contrasted the oldy-worldy feel with 1960s furniture and an array of different kinds of paintings and artwork that she has found on her travels. You might think this wouldn't work, but it really does. A piece of sculpture by the Japanese artist Yoshitomo Nara sits on her country kitchen worktop, there are original framed artworks from Stanley Kubrick's film Clockwork Orange in the bathroom, and opposite her beautiful antique fireplace mirror, sits a vintage egg-chair. The house has real personality.

Despite it's warm and friendly feel, I am sure that I haven't stayed anywhere quite so noisy. I awoke to the bin men this morning, clattering about as they made their way down the street. From then on, there were trucks moving up and down the small road, cleaning it up, which sounded like jumbo jets. Even a guy with a broom was banging about outside the window. This must be the cleanest street there is! Because the living room is right out on the pavement, you can hear the conversations of everyone who passes. I got up, got ready, and walked into the village, which took just a couple of minutes. There is a small arcade of independent stalls and a couple of second-hand shops, which I found nothing in, but went into a little spiritual centre nearer to the house on my way back. The two women running it were really nice. I wanted some incense, but found some other cheaply-priced bits, including a relaxation CD of Celtic music.

After making some lunch, I laid out my bits and pieces on the kitchen table - the Wildwood and some sandalwood incense, leaving the Celtic CD to murmur away in the living room. I decided to lay out just one suit - the Vessels - and went through the pips, one to ten, making notes on each. I don't remember doing anything like this with a deck of cards for a long time and the music and scent of the sandalwood really whipped up the experience and drew me into the images of the Wildwood. By the time I had finished, I felt as though I had finally found a way into the deck. The Vessels are a beautiful suit, flooded with cleansing water and reflection. I love the tall trees on the mound on the 6 of Vessels and the healthy moss over the tree trunk on the 7. There is a lot of green in this deck, which brings a feeling of calm to the table.

For today, I drew the Ace of Arrows (air). Without a scanner here, you can see it placed in front of Kate's antique mantel mirror, propped up against her vase of white lilies. It shows the Uffington White Horse, which is potentially 3,000 years old. It is said that if you stand on the horses eye, you will receive wisdom. This is a card of clarity of purpose. I kind of got that idea when I awoke this morning, but amongst the silence of my day, I fell a few steps back into my recent lack of motivation. Maybe it is the realisation that I am stuck which is the clarity from this card in my day.

Illustration from The Wildwood Tarot by Will Worthington

I Believe in the Power

I dreamt that I went deck shopping last night. A nice young assistant was helping me to look through the playing card and oracle packs on offer. I remember picking up a really interesting one and going through it card by card, saying that I would take it. I have been dreaming a lot recently. One of the things I have noticed as strange is that I always dream of the same places, and these are not places I have ever visited. Whenever I am in dreamland, I sometimes manage to find my way to this one bar or a little tarot shop. The bar is always difficult to find, since it sits somewhere amongst the small and winding streets of a city. I know that there are two levels. The main bar is upstairs, where you enter, but you can walk down some stairs to a larger seating area. From my times at this place, I also know there is a club adjoined to it. I can lay my hand on my heart and say that this is not a place I have ever been to in my waking moments, but which I often look for and find in my dreams. Always the same one, waiting.

The same goes for my tarot shop. It is off of a main road, which reminds me of London's Regent Street. I was looking for it in my dream last night. Like the bar, it is also split-leveled. There are many shelves of books upstairs, but you have to descend a staircase to find the real treasures. They always seem to have new stuff there that I don't recognise. As I awoke this morning, I thought about these two places and wondered why it is that they come into my dreams so often. Do they exist somewhere out of the world we know and understand? I just did a little googling and I see that I am not the only person who has had this experience. Some people say that they could actually draw a map of their dream world and one woman said that despite going into a house that didn't look familiar from the outside, when through the front door, she recognised every detail as being from one she had been dreaming of for thirty years. My mum just came into my room and I told her about my dreams. She suggested that they might house places I am yet to or supposed to visit. The bar is in a city, but it has the feel of somewhere abroad. It reminds me a little of the old town in Paris.

I felt a little distance from today's card when I drew it this morning. I think that has something to do with the religious overtones in the illustration. However, I slowly came round to the idea that a greater power doesn't have to have anything to do with deity and could be an energy springing from the over all good of others. As a message, it is comforting to know that my prayers are not falling on deaf ears. As with my parent's results yesterday, our trust in the powers that be can sometimes be returned favourably.

My boyfriend should be over in a few hours. We are having Sunday lunch here and then he is driving me to my friend's little cottage to house sit while she is abroad. I am not entirely sure how long she is away for, but I think it is a week. She has had problems with her landlady and has handed in her notice. Due to the way that the woman has been to her, she asked if I would stay there. I'll probably have to come back to where I live on the train a few times - to visit the dreaded Job Centre next week - but I am kind of looking forward to spending some time there. She lives in a quaint little country village. If I have enough cash, I could walk to the coffee and second hand shops in a few minutes or sit on her little patio and read. As always, I am not sure what deck(s) to take with me. I had considered bunging the Druidcraft in my bag, but wonder if it might be nice to take advantage of the solitude and get to know this pack of wolves better.


Illustration from The Wolf Pack Tarot by Pat Morris

Under My Watchful Eye

This is a strange kind of card to receive. It makes me feel a little on edge; the way it suggests someone closely monitoring the actions of another. At first, I assumed it was me who is being monitored, but I guess it could quite easily be me that is doing the monitoring. I can be a bit of a nag with my boyfriend sometimes, telling him what he should and shouldn't be eating and drinking, so I wouldn't be surprised if that wolf in the background is me, spoiling his fun. I can see him as the wolf in the foreground, walking ahead of me and saying 'yeah, yeah, yeah'. I just hope that this doesn't indicate him falling off of the smoking wagon.

I got up early this morning and my two friends came to pick me up so that we could travel to Annie's house, complete with sewing machines, fabric, and all else that she needs. She lives in a lovely flat in central London, which is light and airy, with a small balcony. We must have got there around 10 and started off with a cup of coffee. Her mobility has become worse since I saw her last, but they are hoping that it might be slightly improved by her operation. The unfortunate risk is that the operation could also leave her paralysed. However, even though she says it is scary, it hasn't affected her sense of humour or general spirit. I have always had such fears of death, since I was a child. As I have got older, they are still there, though not as much. I think I am more worried about how it will be that I come to meet my maker and whether it will be painful or distressing in what is left of life. Thinking about how all of this is so close for Annie makes me anxious and tearful. It must be strange to know you only have a short time here with everyone and not know what will happen next.

Initially, I thought we were making things for and dressing the bedroom, but while there, two wardrobes and a sofa bed turned up, which all needed to be constructed. We all set to work on the sofa bed, but with one of us always being taken up with Annie's conversation at a time, it was lunchtime before we had finished. She had ordered in food, so amongst it, I found salmon and salad, which ticked all of the boxes on my diet. I was so tempted to let things slide and dive into both the pizza and chocolate eclairs, but I am pleased to say that I didn't. After lunch, I started making covers to cover the ugly ends of the hospital bed in a dusky pink, while the others set at the wardrobe. Being probably one of the biggest wardrobes I have seen, it was a real beast and wasn't easy. I eventually helped when I had finished sewing. We had hoped to get a lot more done but because the house has so much needing to be cleared in just about every available space (Annie only moved in this year and being ill has prevented her from doing this), we could only do so much before leaving at 7. The drive back through the dishevelled but lively streets of South London was nice, reminding me of my youth.

So, how about a little good news for a change? My parents went and saw the doctor this morning to get their test results. Both went into lengthy explanations that I'd find hard to repeat correctly here, but I can say that outcome was good. Both concerns were due to infections. This doesn't completely clear up the other fears my dad has of cancer, but for the moment, it has relieved them both, with brings us one step forward.


Illustration from The Wolf Pack Tarot by Pat Morris

The Track in the Snow

This is an interesting little card. I can't help but focus on the part of the message which says 'happiness to come'. But what am I walking away from? As I start my day, the only difficult situation I can think of is our neighbours and wonder if this card suggests that we are getting that bit closer to ditching them. The track in the snow of our house move is built up of just small steps but is becoming longer. As my mother and I came back from doing a food shop yesterday, I commented on how even our neighbour's house looked cold and spiky. Of course, it is no different to ours, but the windows looked like soulless eyes and it's walls lacked warmth. I wonder sometimes if being so close to these cretins is what drains our energy. This card tells me that my actions will be rewarded, but to be patient. We've waited long enough already.

I was just sitting here, worrying about this and that. As usual, it relates to working and where I go to next with that. I do have options, but if I choose to go with them, then there are time limits. This means getting up off of my lazy butt and doing something about it. To not be so harsh on myself, I wouldn't say I was 100% lazy. I think it has more to do with a back catalogue of so little working out that I'd rather fall back to sleep than put my head on the chopping block again. How many times can I trot happily into a new situation, like a cow skipping into an abattoir?

Lessons come about just when you need them. An email popped up just as I told my mum that I didn't know what to do with myself. My friend has cancer and we are going to do her room up tomorrow. I hate to say it, but I think she has months rather than years left. Having had her vertebrate removed, it was replaced with an expandable cage. I have just heard that it has slipped, so she will need to have another operation. This will mean she'll be back in hospital, so getting her room ready for her return is all the more important, so she can rest there afterwards. It makes me wonder just how important these silly worries I have are. Thinking of my friend Annie or my boyfriend's aunt Julie, does all the surface stuff I agonise over really matter? I watched a short video by Michael Berg of The Kabbalah Centre last night, which stressed as much. I am going to help my parents clean up the house today, and before tomorrow, I am going to finish a bear I have been making for Annie. Kate and I found a yellow blanket a few weeks ago in a second hand shop, which I am using for his body, and a patterned 70's apron in orange and white, which I have used for his ears and foot pads. He's a bit strange looking, since making children's toys is not my forte by a very long shot, but I hope she likes him.


Illustration from The Wold Pack Tarot by Pat Morris

Don't take Risks!

When I first bought this deck, I was a little unsure of how it would read, considering that interpretations are printed at the head of each card. I am not a fan of writing on cards. Like many, I find it constrictive; but also, when reading for others, it stops me from being the big 'I am', who can read the cards fluently without the help of a guide book or a set of training wheels. Wanting just the images without having interpretations printed alongside them is about Ego as much as anything else, I guess.

But hey, let's put two fingers up to Ego. The little messages in these cards are quite nice. They have a fortune telling slant which I like, and in some, feel almost poetic. More importantly, they do flesh out the images and actually provide a spring board for our own insights and understanding. Of course, I don't necessarily need them, but if someone hands me a map, why not take it? Even if not used fully, it does give us a little background into what Robert Petro intended in the drawings.

The thing that always drew me to this deck was it's sensitivity. When I began my tarot journey, I had always thought this set was out of print and hard to find. It may very well have been at that time. I never really bothered to try and find it, but it was always one that tugged at my heart, every time that it turned up in the shadow of other packs online. For me, there is something in the pictures which digs deeper than the slick and popular decks on the market, since it pulls at some kind of universal understanding and feeling on a soul level. In my own way, I know what these wolves are feeling. I can see it in their eyes, as though I was looking into a mirror.

Today's card is one of those which makes you sit up in your seat. A risk, you say? The animal moves towards the water cautiously. I have no idea what might lurk beneath the surface, so I imagine that today is a day of dipping my toe in lightly, rather than wading right in or shoving my head into the pool. There are things which I need to sort out, so maybe the card suggests I read the small print first and check out the details before proceeding.

I just got home from my boyfriend's. The hill from the station was hard work, but I am back now and can rest. My father just got a call from the doctor. As a completely unrelated issue to his tests at the hospital, they have discovered problems in some other test results and want to see him on Saturday; the same day as my Mum collects hers. She just came into my room and I asked her how she is. I think she speaks for us all when she says she is 'fed up'.


Illustration from The Wolf Pack by Pat Morris

In Sleet and Snow

As anyone who reads my Twitter minor mumblings will know, I planned on using a deck that would take me out of my comfort zone today. Last night, I was looking through the illustrations by Sylvia Gainsford in Paul Roland's Kabbalah Cards and thinking how beautiful they are; so beautiful, I thought, that I would have a go at using them here. The little book that comes with the set is basic (and I mean 'basic'), so many years ago, I bought Roland's larger volume to compliment the deck, only to find that there was little more about the cards in it. This morning, in drawing the card representing the Hebrew letter Gimel, I was kind of surprised to read that Roland didn't actually agree with the traditional paths that the letters are placed on in the Tree of Life diagram and had changed them. However, in the illustrations in the cards, which illustrate the book and are in his deck, he'd left the traditional placements. Huh?

Now you don't need to know much (or anything) about Kabbalah to understand my building frustration. On the Tree of Life, there are twenty-two pathways. Each pathway sits between two of the ten 'spheres' on the map. The two spheres that Roland placed the card (or letter) Gimel between were Binah and Keter. That's how it appears in the oracle card. However, he says this idea is flawed, so instead, puts Gimel in between Nezah and Malkhut for further contemplation. Sounds confusing already, yeah? But bare with me for just a second. So I trotted off to my bookshelf and started pulling books from it, hoping to find out which is the correct assignment. It was then that things became even more ridiculous. On reading Tim Depodopulos's book 'Kabbalah', he puts the same letter between Keter and Tipareth. The author of 'Personal Kabbalah', Penny Cohen sticks it between Gevurah and Binah, as does the Berenson-Perkins book, 'Kabbalah Decoded'. So that's four different locations, which therefore would change the meaning of the card each time.

So you may be wondering which placement I chose. Well, I didn't. I packed the cards away and thought 'sod it'. I like a little bit of a challenge, but sifting through this many discrepancies and vague interpretations is not fun, which is what drawing cards and talking about them here is supposed to be. I am not saying that I won't drag the deck out again, but for today, I just wanted a simple message; one that I could understand and which would inspire thought. So I bypassed the cryptic systems, all of the meanings squeezed into different card illustrations, the debate between whether Strength is number 8 or number 11 in the tarot deck, and pulled out The Wolf Pack, which instantly gave me an image I can relate to. Phew!

Well, that wolf certainly looks like me. That's kind of how I felt beneath my shelf-load of kabbalah books. Don't get me wrong, I have learnt a lot from the teachings of the Kabbalah Centre in both theory and practice, but it seems that many books skirt around the real wisdom and try their best to confuse matters. Too much talk, not enough action. But this lone wolf certainly cuts through the bullshit and tells me something I really needed to hear.

God, I felt like that animal yesterday. I went to the Job Centre in the afternoon and saw an advisor. She was no more or less than I expected. She was more interested in my signing papers and filling up boxes on her computer than in giving me any real advice or help. I told her about my physical limitations caused by my chronic fatigue but she didn't really know where to go with it. I told her about the kind of work I had been doing, but she couldn't put it into the system because there wasn't a 'code' to enter that kind of work under. Give me strength.

When I left the interview, I walked into town. It was getting dark and the roads were wet, reflecting the car and bus headlights on them. I was amongst this kind of half-light which hurts my eyes and is pretty depressing, so as I trudged through the crowds, I felt physically and emotionally worn out and tearful. Even though my boyfriend was coming over in a matter of hours and my parents were waiting at home for me, I felt alone. Today's illustration picks out how I was (and am still) feeling so well.

But this card would lead me to believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It says that how I am feeling will not last and that this trudge through the sleet and snow will soon be over. It's kind of interesting, because one of the comments here on my blog yesterday said the exact same thing. My friend, Magic Mentha, said "I know that feeling too well...when things seem really horrible and bleak, and you can't see the other side of it. Or it seems as if NOTHING is happening. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, a glut of opportunities come pouring in. Or maybe just ONE opportunity is enough to turn things around, get the wheel turning. That's one thing about life. Stagnation is so often temporary".


Illustration from The Wolf Pack by Pat Morris