Am I kidding Myself?

I tucked myself up in bed last night and watched a BBC documentary about Da Vinci on my netbook. It was presented by Fiona Bruce, following her around the world as she visited each of his existing paintings. In Poland, she visited the beautiful portrait of Cecilia Gallerani, cradling the white ermine; in Paris, the captivating Mona Lisa (which I couldn't be bothered to go and see when I was first there, choosing a taxidermy shop to wander through instead); and in Italy, the fresco of The Last Supper, which looks to be breathtaking in both size and the fact that 80% of it has faded into history. I was envious of her being able to see all of these wonderful pieces, but at the end of the film, my attention was jolted by there being dates for a current exhibition, showing them all in London. It is said that there may never be one housing that many of his works from all over the world again. I scrambled for my phone to check the date, realising that I am too late, since Leonardo had left the building three days ago. Just my luck.

The documentary was interesting, bringing about much that I did not know; I had heard about the charges of homosexuality on Da Vinci, but I wasn't aware that many consider that the young man shown with ringlets in a lot of Leonardo's paintings and sketches, named Salai, was his lover as well as apprentice. It is said that the two spent many years together and that he was left the Mona Lisa when the artist died. I have read tidbits of speculation that the real mystery behind that particular portrait is that it is actually of Salai, rather than the wife of the a merchant who commissioned it.

What I was also not aware of was that a new Da Vinci had been discovered. Kept hidden in a secret location, a portrait of Christ has been tested and viewed by many experts. It was the focus of the exhibition I have just missed, as it was unveiled to the world for the first time there. Looking at it in the documentary, I'd say that along with the portrait of Ceclia Gallerani, it is one of my favourites. There is something extremely eerie about it. It looks as though it is stepping out from the darkness of it's background. The eyes of the spiritual figure look both alive and dead at the same time. I can only imagine what it must be like to stand in front of the painting in real life.

I have said this before, but there is something about paintings in tarot that draw me in far more than photography. Paintings seem easier for me to read; there is a life to them that can sometimes make photographs appear static and dead. Da Vinci's drawings do this, which makes The Enigma a good reading deck for me. One of the things I have always found surprising is how there are no self-portraits of the young artist in existence (and not in this deck). In the documentary I watched last night, Fiona Bruce spoke of how apprentices often left their own portraits somewhere amongst their masters paintings of which they were working on. There is speculation that on the right of Adrea del Verrocchio's Madonna and Child, the young man seen in the darkness is actually a young Leonardo Da Vinci.

Today's card is the Seven of Water and shows a dog. It is called Study for a dog which becomes a bat when inverted. Titled Illusion, I once again wonder how this is much different to the Rider Waite 7 of Cups, since it is based on the same idea. In this version, the card looks at how what we perceive as reality can be twisted, leading our vision to be clouded. To be honest, I can only vaguely see the bat when I reverse the card, but it reminds me of how programs like Photoshop can lead us to believe the truth in something that is fake. As a daily card, it asks me to think about what I am regarding as true, when it might not be

I often wonder if I am generally deluding myself. This can work in more ways than just the one. I am a terrible worrier and often see things in my health that are probably not there, leading me to actually develop more symptoms out of anxiety and stress. But on a greater scale, the card makes me think of my work and home life. Will I eventually get my PGCE and find a good job? Will my boyfriend and I finally move in together? As much as I want these things to happen, I wonder how many people really believe that I will still be sitting here in my dressing gown two years later, dreaming of things which will probably never happen.

Illustration from The Da Vinci Enigma Tarot by Leonardo Da Vinci