The Enemy

The Wheel, 7 of Cups, Knight of Pentacles

I still felt pretty numb after Annie's death yesterday. I have lost count of how many of my friends have died over the last ten years, but in this case, I had spent a lot of time with Annie beforehand; unlike the others, where many had died at somewhat of a distance. This kind of makes it harder because her passing is really going to create a hole in my life. It's as though we have unfinished business. A friend wrote a message to me on Twitter, saying that she and I were blessed to have met one another and she is right. If you think about it, in the fifty-odd years of her life, Annie and I made friends in her last year. We had no idea then, as we sat down to dinner in a pub not far away from here, that time was already running out. But that year with Annie, which I am most grateful for, will leave a long and lasting impression on me.

With Annie gone and my boyfriend's aunt Julie dying three months ago, you'd think I'd have had all I can take of bloody cancer, but once again, it comes knocking at my door. My dad went for his test results today. He had feared prostrate cancer, which they confirmed that he has, but they also told him that he has it in his bladder too. We had all worried about the results coming back negatively, but as I sat on my bed and waited for the news, part of me was hoping that he'd walk through the door smiling, and tell me that he had gotten the all clear. I am hoping that things are not as bleak as they might seem. He's been told that they will start treatment. Rather than remove the bladder, which he didn't want, his treatment will consist of going to the hospital for an hour every day for six weeks. That sounds daunting in itself and I am sure it will take it's toll. But then, what's six weeks really, if it gets rid of a disease which has become a personal enemy for me. It's taken three loved ones in the space of a year.

The Wheel has come up quite a bit for me in recent times. It takes things out of my hands and makes the decisions. I often see it turning up on my bad days of fatigue, which it has today. You know what it is like when you're mobile phone is bleeping away at you, telling you that you've got no more battery left? Or if you're as old as me, you're remember personal stereos, where the songs used to slow down when the battery didn't have enough energy to push around the cassette any longer. Well, that's how I felt this morning. My legs were weak, my breathing was short, and each step was a goddamn pain in the arse. The Wheel turns when it likes and doesn't care for where you are sitting on it. My fatigue often hits when I am least expecting it or feel as though I am getting better. I think it was also behind my dad's results.

I haven't done much today. To be quite honest, I didn't feel like it. With everything that has been happening, I feel wiped in more ways than just physically. The 7 of Cups produces choices, but they are presented as fantasies. I can relate to that. Because I like this deck, I want to start some kind of personal and creative study with it, but at the moment, my ideas are no more than just that. I can think of a good six or seven ways of using it as a springboard for expression, but I am not sure of how I am going to bring any of them to life just yet. The Knight of Pentacles rides up to the cups and takes a look (don't you just love the clash between his hair and outfit). He's not too good with things that are at home in the clouds. He is more practical and down to earth. He advises me to take just one of my ideas and run with it. I will invest a little time doing that tomorrow, after I have been to my maths class.

Illustrations from The Tarot of Reflections by Francesco Ciampi